


In Your Orbit

by Alanahsaurus



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Awesome Charlie Swan, F/F, Trans Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2019-09-21 15:00:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 65,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17045852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alanahsaurus/pseuds/Alanahsaurus
Summary: The day after Bella Swan’s first biology lesson, she swears that she’s going to give that gorgeous jerk a piece of her mind. That is, until she sees a cute little pixie of a woman is sitting in his seat.A Twilight AU where a very queer, very trans Bella Swan falls in love with a different vampire and everything is gay as shit.ABANDONED/UNFINISHED





	1. Eviction and Relocation

Forks, Washington wasn’t somewhere I wanted to end up. The constant threat of rain leaves me on edge and the cold weather only serves to make me feel even more gloomy. On top of that, the few I have memories of the small town were nothing more than the “vacations” I had during summer break to visit Charlie. While I was relieved to get out of the Arizona heat, it wasn’t exactly the my first choice alternative.

Now, riding in the car with Charlie on the way to my new home, I deeply regret not spending more time with him. It’s a feeling that shakes me to my very core. I never expected him to be the one person in my life that I could safely turn to when everything went to shit.

It’s been seven years since we last talked. Back then he knew me under a different name. I was a different person entirely. Since then his son had grown out her hair, changed her name, and been secretly taking hormones. All the while, desperately hiding the changes from her mother and her friends. To see this sudden, stark change greet him at the airport, barely able to keep it together, must not have been easy.

“I’m sorry for what happened, Bella.” His eyes never leave the road. He voice shakes a little; clearly strained. I’ve only got a few memories of Charlie that I know are real. One’s that aren’t distorted by time and our remarkable capacity to misremember things despite thinking we know the truth. One of the few things I remember is his difficulty with conversations that are even remotely serious in tone. It seems like nothing has changed.

We drive past fields of nothing and forests that look way too dense to be traversable. The morning sun hasn’t shown itself yet but that has nothing to do with the time. I’m quickly relearning that Forks and sunshine don’t go together. A more fitting odd couple doesn’t exist. What little sunlight that manages to peek through the clouds on this dreary morning causes the wet grass and damp leaves to glisten; to sparkle. It would be pretty if it wasn’t for the lack of light causing that dreary feeling you get in the afternoons when you feel like you’ve wasted the entire day and tomorrow is going to be more of the same.

I never liked the endless sunshine of Arizona or the blistering heat. I always wanted to get out - to go somewhere else. Anywhere else. But right now I’d take anything to be back home and for things to be like they were. Forks is depressing. Forks is a reminder of what I can’t have. Forks is the logging capital of the world which all but sums up exactly how exciting Forks, Washington is.

“It’s okay.” I manage choke out, finally. My eyes don’t leave the road either. I bite my bottom lip as the pit in my stomach grows. It’s been there for almost two days now. Still, there’s some respite offered by Charlie saying that name, my name, out loud. Despite choosing it a long, long time ago it still sounds foreign to my ears. It still makes me question whether or not it’s right.

Looking over at Charlie, his face is strained. His lips fidget, his moustache moves. The drive is silent all the way to his house. I’m not sure I can do much talking anyway. Tears are still on the brink of exploding from my face..

It takes about an hour of driving past what feels like the same trees, the same forest, with nothing but the hum of the radio to keep us company. I feel compelled to say something; to start a conversation or even just small talk. However, I’m still too tired from the flight to even muster even the smallest effort. I’m too tired from everything that’s happened. Even worse, I’m afraid that saying anything will cause the tears battering at the gates of my lids to finally break free. It’s not long before we’re pulling up to Charlie’s house, anyway.

The paint is chipping on the wood and the bushes are well overgrown. Even the lone tree out the front has been scraping against the house for some time with its thorny branches. The slightest gust of wind causes it to rub and corrode the paint. It’s all but wrecked the exterior finish. At least the grass looks like it’s been mowed somewhat recently even though it’s soggy with morning dew.

“It’s not much.” Charlie comments as we’re stepping out of the car. He doesn’t hesitate before stepping around to the trunk and getting my things. I’m expecting a “but” that doesn’t come.

“I like it.” I say, putting on a smile. It’s almost worse in every way to Mom’s house in Arizona: smaller, less cared for, and a decent distance away from anywhere interesting. However, it’s a blank slate and that’s all that I can ask for at the moment.

Stepping up to Charlie’s side, I reach out for the bags. “You don’t have to-”

“Nonsense. Come on, I’ll give you the grand tour.”

“I don’t think you can legally call a tour ‘grand’ if it takes less than a minute to give.” I chuckle nervously. My voice croaks again. Fuck, I hope I don’t cry. My eyes glance sideways. Charlie nods. “S’pose not.”

His house is much nicer on the inside. It looks like it hasn’t changed in years judging by how all the furniture looks worn. There’s dishes drying in a rack next to the sink too. What little sunlight gets in through the clouds and windows is glistening off the plates and cutlery. Looking down at the carpet, I can see the lines made by a vacuum. Everything manages to feel a bit alien and a bit familiar at the same time but it almost doesn’t matter because it feels cozy.

Upstairs, Charlie introduces me to my room. It’s next to his - separated by a lone bathroom that’s somehow smaller than my tiny room.

Charlie lifts my luggage up onto my bed. His hands rest on his hips as he looks around. There’s a couple posters of bands I liked when I was 10 still hanging on the wall. I’m cringing a little just remembering that I used to listen to some of these guys. There aren’t any memories flooding back but the whole room feels much more recognisable than the rest of the house. Even though I wouldn’t have been able to tell you a thing about it ten minutes ago.

His hand gently slaps the only part of the room that seems out of place: a wooden desk which sits a lamp. There’s a mismatched chair too. “Picked these up at a thrift store yesterday. Figured you might want somewhere to study or…” He drifts off. A silence fills the room.

“Thanks Charlie, I really appreciate everything.” I smile. Even though it’s forced. Some significant part of me wants to reach out for a hug; to back up those words with something physical too. I don’t though. Charlie already looks like he wants to race out of the room and leave a dust outline in his wake. It’s either that or he’s really struggling with some awful aching pain in his body.

“Look, I really am sorry about Renee-”

“Can we… Not right now, okay?” My eyes find my hands which are awfully interesting. Fingers fidget with one another. A rock wells up in my throat and my eyelids suddenly become heavy.

Charlie nods and out of the corner of my vision I can see that he’s suddenly found his shoes quite interesting too. “Right. Sorry, Bella. I’ll leave you to it.”

I smile again through the hollow pain.

Everything still aches. My thoughts are drawn to Arizona, to Mom, like a mosquito to an electric fly trap. Even as I sit down on my new, old bed everything about being here just feels… wrong. Unresolved words hang around in my head with nothing to wash them away. The foreign sensations brought on by my surroundings begin to sink in.

I lie down on my bed, burying my face into my pillow, and just let myself be. As my long, brown hair hangs around my face like a makeshift curtain, I close my eyes and the darkness feels welcome. The heavy weight in my chest, in my stomach, and in my throat draws me down while the thoughts in my head drift away to usher in a restless slumber.

~~~~~~

“Bella?”

My eyes slowly squeak open to see Charlie standing in the doorway. There’s a smile on his face that makes me slightly uncomfortable because I’m not entirely sure that I remember him ever smiling. At least not that wide.

“C’mon. Get up. I’ve got something to show you. I promise you’ll like it.” He waits until I manage to rise from my bed and follow him downstairs. Outside there’s an orange pickup truck, a man in a wheelchair, and…

My heart stops beating. That pit in my stomach? Yeah, it’s just grown tenfold.

Charlie has to practically guide me over to the man in the wheelchair and the long-haired teenager standing next to him. My legs are concrete and my mind is blank except for the utter panic that’s spread throughout my body. Except for that one, tiny thing. Charlie’s still grinning like an idiot. Like this is just a casual reunion between old friends. Like one of those old friends isn’t suddenly a girl.

Jacob Black and I used to play when we were kids; whenever I’d visit Forks on those wonderfully dull vacations. I’d all but forgotten about him like most of this town and anything that had happened in it.

He’s kinda just staring at me. He’s smiling but his entire face is frozen; stuck like there’s been a sudden change in the wind.

“You remember Jacob and Billy, right Bella?”

Billy looks up at me with a smile that genuinely warms my body. He rocks back and forth in his chair like he’s brimming with excitement. Excitement over what, I’m not exactly sure. “Bella, is it now? You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman. Isn’t that right, Jacob?”

Jacob gives little more than a quiet “yeah”. It’s unsettling. It’s a stark reminder that I’m wearing women’s jeans and a women’s shirt. The clothes that I usually feel most comfortable in start weighing on me. I want to hide my hair in anyway possible, brushing it to the side so it hangs over one shoulder before letting my hands fill the impossibly small pockets that all women’s jeans come with.

The one saving grace of Forks was that it was supposed to be a clean slate. Nobody knows the old me here. Nobody would have probing questions or snide comments to make. At least, that’s what I thought. Now I’m standing before the one thing that I’ve feared most all my transition. I just never expected it to take this form.

Billy wakes me from my thoughts and the awkward pause that’s filled the air by slamming the side of the rundown pickup truck he’s sitting next to. “Whaddya think, sweet’eart?”

“It’s cool.” My fingernails dig their way into my thighs to try and override the awkwardness as I rock on the balls on my feet. “Yeah, rustic. Very hipster.”

“Hipster?” He chuckles. It’s a warm belly laugh that gives me the first genuine smile I’ve had in a long time. At least, until I glance over to Jacob and see that piercing death stare. Billy interrupts my thoughts with that deep voice of his. “I’m not exactly sure what that means but I’ll take it as a compliment. I’m sure you’ll be right at home in ‘er.”

I give a double take. My eyes widen and if it wasn’t for the absolute terror that Jacob’s neverending stare is giving me then I’m sure I’d be smiling too. “Seriously? My own car? Charlie… You di-”

“I didn’t. But I did. A small favour from Billy. Well, a big favour given it’s such short notice. Your Mom and I were gonna put something together for graduation but I figured you could do with the early present.”

My hand runs over the truck, feeling the chipped paint beneath my fingertips that’s not unlike the house she’s sitting in front of. “How… Where… Thank you.” I laugh.

“You can thank Jake. Thing was damn near scrap metal before he touched it.” My body stiffens. Still, I turn to Jacob and put on the best smile that I can muster. “Thank you, really. I…”

“It was nothing.” His voice is weirdly monotone. He’s smiling everywhere but his eyes. It gives shivers. “The clutch sticks a bit so watch out for that. Otherwise, you’re good to go.”

Charlie dangles the keys in front of my face. It doesn’t take any asking before I’ve nabbed them and am slipping into the driver’s seat. Running my fingers over the steering wheel, settling my butt into the seat, it’s all so surreal. I barely even notice the passenger side door opening and that unsettling teenager sliding in next to me.

“You can drive manual, right?” He asks. There’s a bit more life to his voice this time.

“Yeah dude, I’m good. Don’t worry. I won’t destroy her.” I chuckle, trying to be friendly.”

He starts pointing out some of the odd quirks of the care. Things like how long the air conditioner takes to heat up and how the radio only gets three stations. I’m just in awe that I get an air conditioner at all. The awkwardness seems to be washing away as we talk and I’m finally discovering that behind the muscles and the hair, there’s actually a human being in that shell.

“How do you get your voice to sound like that?” The question is sudden. In a split second, I’ve got whiplash. I shake my head, nervously chuckling to myself. “What… What do you mean?”

“Like, I get that some guys have small bodies and you can stuff your bra or whatever but how do you get your voice to sound like a girl’s?” My toes curl and my skin crawls. It actually feels like something is moving underneath there but thankfully the feeling is brief.

There’s something difficult about describing what it feels like to have someone so blatantly, so fearlessly, ask about your gender identity. Within the few seconds that it takes for me to muster up some kind of answer, my fight or flight response goes haywire. Like a needle wildly flickering back and forth on a radiometer or a scale.

They tell you to be polite. Most people don’t know better so you should educate them, right? Make it better for the next trans person they come across. Maybe one day they won’t have to ask questions because someone has already filled those gaps within them.

And, sure, I want to be that helpful person. I want to be optimistic and assume that Jacob is just curious. That, despite the stone cold stare he was giving me earlier, that he’s just new to all this.

But that needle keeps flickering. Am I indulging in his innocent curiosities or am I setting myself up to be attacked by his ignorance and bigotry?

“Luck… mostly.” I say quietly, meekly. My fingers grip the steering wheel just to have something to hold onto.

“Huh.” He says, nodding, before breaking out into a smile that’s admittedly adorable. It still doesn’t put me at ease though.

“If I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have been able to tell.”

I cannot get out of the car fast enough after that. I’m unsure if he felt the tension but my entire body feels like it’s going to cave in on itself. Forks is about to become the epicentre for Earth’s first black hole.

“So, whaddya think?” Billy asks, grinning up at me. Charlie still looks like an excited puppy begging for approval. It’s impossible to not feel all warm and gooey from how hard he’s trying.

“It’s great. Thank you so much.” Jacob’s by Billy’s side, having jogged around from the passenger side. “Both of you.”

It’s hard to push out those last few words but I keep up appearances for the sake of not starting something awkward. I bite down on my lip. While I’m grateful for the gift, more than grateful for the freedom it’ll give me, I want to rush back up to my room and fall asleep again. Sleep isn’t half as awkward as everything in this moment.

It’s not too long before Billy and Jacob say their goodbyes. Jacob practically goads me into making me promise to see him again sometime soon; something that makes Charlie smirk despite him trying to hide it. The whole encounter leaves me feeling confused. Happy about the truck, sure, but I feel sick about everything else. Once Billy and Jacob have made their leave, I quietly head back upstairs to start packing away my luggage.

There’s not much in the way of anything inside my suitcase. There’s t-shirts and jeans, a flannel here and there, with the only pair of shoes that I own being the sneakers on my feet. It was a split second decision to leave Arizona with nothing but my meager supply of girl’s clothes; a stash that I had built up over the years with whatever spare money I had. The bras I have don’t quite fit and my underwear selection is decidedly masculine but it’ll do.

Without my boy clothes, I’ve got no choice but to muster forward. I think I like it that way. Go into it head first, you know? But then again, I’m not thinking too hard about my first day of school next week.

Reaching into the far back of the suitcase, I wiggle my hand around until I feel something hard and plastic. It’s one of a few bottles that I’ve got buried in here. One of the few lifelines.

I pull it out and give it a shake. It’s about half full. Hormones weren’t cheap to buy online but it’s all I’ve got right now and I’m sure as hell not waiting however long it would take to actually get them sorted.


	2. Settling In (To A Perpetual State of Anxiety)

The morning sun, if you can even call it that, greets me early. I roll over in my bed, groaning quietly, before opening my eyes. It takes half a second for me to realise why my bedroom is different.

Right. Forks.

Pushing myself off the mattress of my bed, I look down at my pillow. The damp spots have dried since last night. There’s no lingering indication of the gross cryfest that occured right before I fell to sleep. I wipe my eyes even though they’re dry too. Both of them still sting a little.

It’s not like I hadn’t expected it. I know how I get at night, alone in my room. You get too sleepy to fight against the awful part of your brain that absolutely hates your guts and it becomes too much too quickly. I’d hoped that reading one of the few books I’ve taken with me to Forks until I was exhausted would be enough to stave off the grossness.

But at 1AM I was too tired to read and not tired enough to fall asleep. Cue the waterworks. Classic Isabella Swan.

I fall back down against the pillow and pull the covers up over my body. I should shower - I should.

But... bed comfy.

~~~~~~

My day isn’t exciting. Charlie’s already left for work long before I get up. He leaves a note on the kitchen counter telling me to have a great day which warms my heart and leaves me smiling like an idiot for longer than I should. The worries I left in Arizona are leaving quicker than I ever thought they would. Other than that, it’s take my hormones, shower, get dressed, and go for my first drive in the old-new pickup.

It takes a bit to get used to the sticky clutch but I get the hang of it soon enough. For the most part, I spend my time driving around town to get used to the local landmarks. Gas stations here, diner’s there, and I also make a trip from my house to the school just to be sure I know what I’m doing next week.

My heart’s racing the entire time. It’s positively pounding. It’s partially because I’m having to get used to a new car and a new town. But it’s also because this is the first time I’ve ever dressed even somewhat femininely outside of my own house.

It sounds stupid, I know. Unless you’ve experienced this before then you might get it. You’d think I’m even more insane if I told you exactly how long I spent just driving around before I managed to sum up the courage and actually get out.

Take whatever amount of time you think it is reasonable for this situation.

Now up that by about half.

Yes, I’m being completely serious.

And, no, I’m not only doing this because Charlie called me and asked if I wanted to have lunch with him. Although that definitely helps. My grumbling tum also acts as a bit of encouragement.

The old truck pulls into the parking lot of a diner I must have passed at least a dozen times. Charlie’s police cruiser is only a couple spaces down. When I finally flick my keys to turn the engine off, the grating rumbling of the entire chassis comes to a stop and it leaves me missing the comforting noise. To make matters worse, all I can really hear is the pounding in my head.

My legs are shaking when I step out of the truck. Almost every part of my body feels incredibly heavy - everything except my clothes which for once feel right. Even then I can’t help but thinking that I’m wearing high-vis gear that makes everyone notice me.

I take a deep breath as I approach the front door. It’s glass so people can definitely see the silly girl hyping herself up to enter a small, local diner. It looks straight out of the fifties with wood panelling on the walls and way too many tables and chairs scattered around for how tiny the place is. And yet, to “Honey and Hal’s” credit, almost every single one is taken.

After the first deep breath I take another. Then another. Then one more before pushing my way inside. I jump as the doorbell jingles. My heart skips a beat. A few faces turn to look at me only to look away just as quickly. My eyes find Charlie sitting in a booth by himself, he nods and smiles a little when he sees me.

“Glad you came, Bells.” He chimes (as much as he can with his gruff voice) as I squeeze past a table or two before sitting down next to him.

“Wouldn’t miss it.” I say quietly.

Turns out Charlie had already ordered food for the both of us because it arrives in a couple minutes, handed to us by a cute waitress that has me blushing with nothing but her smile.

Should I be insulted that he ordered me a salad when he got steak and chips? I mean, I’m not complaining but it seems a little sexist. Validating, but sexist.

We mostly share small talk about our day, what Charlie’s working on, and my plans for the rest of the week. I try to mostly keep the conversation on him because I’m not exactly sure how or when I’m going to buy the necessary things for school. Charlie’s already gracious enough to put me up with zero obligations. Asking him for money to buy school supplies, and clothes, seems like pushing his kindness.

The entire atmosphere of the conversation changes for the worse with only a few simple words from Charlie. “So, I talked to your mother this morning.”

A chill rattles down my spine. “Mhm?” I respond, shoving vegetables into my mouth as quickly as I can.

“It was… something.” He stares off blankly into the distance and gives a deep sigh. “She did mention something I need to talk to you about.”

There’s a pause. My mouth is full of lettuce. Charlie continues.

“Have you been… self-medicating?”

My face turns red and I almost choke on my greens. “Can… Can we not talk about this here?” I plead.

“Nobody knows what we’re talking about, Bells. Answer the question.” His stare turns to me and it certainly isn’t wavering. I wouldn’t call it intimidating. He’s trying his best though and at least he’s giving me a chance to explain myself unlike Mom.

“I need to.” I tell him. “I didn’t want to- I couldn’t- I can’t-”

“It’s okay. Slow down. Take a deep breath. I’m not mad.” Charlie whispers. His hand is on my back and it’s actually kinda soothing.

I follow his advice. I inhale slowly and take the time to gather my thoughts. It’s still hard for me to talk about this stuff with another person. I don’t know if it’ll ever be easy. I hope it gets easier.

“I…”

Another deep breath. C’mon, you can do this.

My voice is barely a whisper. “Going through the wrong… puberty… It’s the hardest thing to do. It was… It was…”

I shake my head. “I needed to do something. I did my research, Charlie! I swear I was being safe! If I wanted to get it prescribed by a doctor I’d need to see a psychologist and so many doctors and this was just so much easier.”

Charlie nods along. His eyes never leave my own even if I can’t muster the courage to meet them. His hand starts rubbing my back.

“How long? How did you get them?”

“183 days. Including today. I bought them online.” I chew on the inside of my lip.

Charlie finally leans back in his chair. His arms fold over his chest and he stares into the distance for what feels like ages. The gears are turning in the back of his head. All I can do is sit on my hands while I await my death sentence. Renee threw me out when she found nothing more than the empty bottle in the trash. I can’t imagine Charlie being much better-

“I’m taking you to a doctor. I’ll make an appointment as soon as I can.” He tells me.

“Charlie, no!” My voice is still quiet, still meek. This time I’m able to look at him. I summon all the pity I can in my puppy dog eyes.

“I’m not going to stop you. Not yet. I just want to make sure that what you’re doing is safe.” I’m not sure if I’m smiling or if my jaw’s dropped. Probably a weird combination of the two that can’t be attractive. “I don’t agree with you doing this without the help of a professional but I think I can understand why you’re doing it.”

“Charlie, thank you.” I breathe out.

“Look, I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, Bells. I don’t want to make it any harder.” He offers a sympathetic smile and I swear in this moment I could cry.

~~~~~~~

That afternoon, Charlie comes home from work to tell me that he’s specially booked an appointment with a trustworthy doctor. His words, not mine. All I’m told is that he’s not an endocrinologist but rather a beloved doctor at the local hospital and that his name is Carlisle Cullen.

“Carly?” I ask Charlie.

“No, Car-lie-el.”

“Carlisle? Huh.”  
I’m slightly worried that this Carlisle Cullen will blab about me to everyone that will listen. All I can do is trust that Charlie isn’t going to go around telling everyone about this.

Is it bad that it doesn’t quite fill me with hope?

~~~~~~

As the week goes by I’m managing to get more comfortable leaving the house en femme. I’m not using the truck as much except to drive back and forth from the library. The Forks Public Library isn’t exactly swimming in the latest literature but it’s got enough that I’m able to busy myself with reading for most of the week.

I’m also starting to realise that either I pass pretty well or that people around here aren’t exactly comfortable with accusing someone of being trans. Considering some of the strange looks that I get, I’m leaning towards the latter. Even then those are becoming easier and easier to deal with. So, when I have my appointment with Dr. Cullen I’m not entirely shaking in my shoes going to the hospital with Charlie.

He leads me down corridor after corridor directly towards Dr. Cullen’s office. As we’re walking he explains that Carlisle came to town two or three years ago with his “brood”. Everything Charlie says about him is positive but it’s all said with this air of… uncertainty. Like there’s something going on with Carlisle that Charlie can’t quite place; something that isn’t concretely rational so he doesn’t feel comfortable about voicing it.

Then again, if somebody gives Charlie the creeps then I don’t think he’d be the kind of person to be quiet about it.

Charlie knocks upon a wooden door that simply reads “Dr. Carlisle Cullen” on a golden plaque. The door opens in seconds to reveal a statuesque man standing inside.

And, when I say “statuesque” I’m not saying that he’s particularly muscular, although he does seem to work out. Carlisle is statuesque because his skin doesn’t have a single blemish upon it. Even the few wrinkles that form when he smiles appear to be chiselled out of his pale, almost grey, skin. If it wasn’t for his blonde, slicked back hair and his honey-golden eyes then he could blend right in next to Michelangelo’s David.

“Good evening, Officer Swan. Please, come in and take a seat.” Carlisle steps aside and motions to the two chairs in front of his large wooden desk. Behind it is a leather chair and a bookcase filled neatly stacked books no doubt relating to medical things.

“What do I gotta do to get you to finally call me Charlie?” He chuckles with his signature smile-not-smile. Carlisle laughs too. His friendly demeanour is inviting and already I feel at ease as the three of us sit down. I find myself staring a bit too much at his presence wondering exactly how somebody is lucky enough to be that handsome and smart enough to become a doctor.

“This is my daughter, Bella. We’re here about her, actually.”

I smile through blushing cheeks. It’s not hard to conjure an authentic smile when Charlie calls me his daughter. “It’s nice to meet you.” I simply say, pushing past the frog that’s stuck in my throat.

Carlisle’s brow furrows lightly. His eyes squint a little too. He leans back in his chair, elbows on the sides, with his fingers intertwined right below his stomach. “Forgive me, I wasn’t aware that Officer Swan had a daughter. Either way, it’s a pleasure to meet you Bella. What brings you to my neck of the woods?”

It never gets easier - coming out. You’d think after ripping off that band-aid twice now it wouldn’t make my heart race. That it wouldn’t make my body sweaty and leg bounce.

But it doesn’t.

“I’m transgender and, um…” The words get stuck as I search Carlisle’s face for a reaction. His face tilts a little and his eyebrows raise slightly; small gestures. I could even swear I see his pupils dilate. Enough to tell that he’s surprised by the news and enough to make me think that he’s taking it well.

Thankfully, Charlie takes over for me. “Her mother didn’t take it well. She found an empty bottle of… hormone pills? I think?” He looks to me and I nod.

“I’m worried about her taking something that she’s bought off the internet. I wanted to get your professional opinion. Make sure she’s not doing any permanent damage to her body.”

Carlisle nods and smiles. “Well, that’s not what I expected to hear this afternoon. You have the right to be concerned, Officer Swan. There’s a reason medications are prescribed by doctors. Without the proper knowledge and training, even the most well-meaning of medication can do serious harm.”

“I did my research!” I interrupt. Charlie looks surprised and to be honest I am too. “I… I only took small doses and I made sure I was doing everything safely.”

“I understand that, Bella, but you should have gone to a profes-”

“I couldn’t. I wanted to but… I’m underage. I couldn’t go without Mom.” I let my fingers play with the ends of my hair before I slump down into my seat. All my biggest fears about what would happen today are being realised. I stare down towards my shoes in the hopes that this will be over quickly.

“He’s right, Bells.” Charlie frowns. I barely give more than a quiet “yeah”. There’s words burning at the tip of my tongue and a powerful urge to say them and explain myself but I have neither the energy to say them or the patience to explain myself. However, I know this is might be my only chance to get what I need so I push past the apathy to let my feelings be known.

“It’s… It’s not like I’m taking drugs to cope. It’s like prescribing antidepressants to someone who’s severely depressed. I need hormone replacement therapy like I need air to breath. If I don’t get it then…”

I let the words hang in the air. Charlie’s face turns almost as pale as Carlisle’s which is saying something. It’s not something I should say so casually. I know the weight that it has - I’m betting on it to save myself. Cruel but necessary.

Carlisle pauses for a moment. “I’m not an endocrinologist and, to be honest, I’m quite naive when it comes to transgendered people.”

I cringe at the word as the doctor reaches into his drawer and pulls out a piece of paper, a form. He starts scribbling down things on it, circling parts, and ticking boxes. “I can do my research. I’ll ask around. Meanwhile, go down to the first floor and get a blood test done at the clinic. It shouldn’t take too long. We need to see what your hormone levels are before taking further steps.”

My eyes positively beam as I sit up in my seat. Charlie smiles too. “Seriously? T-Thank you!” I resist the urge to leap over the desk and throw my arms around the doctor’s chiselled body.

Carlisle asks me about what I was taking, and I answer swiftly, before handing me the form. “I need you to stop taking those. The results of the bloods should be back tomorrow so if you have time, stop by my office again and we’ll get you your prescriptions.”

Charlie and I leave Dr. Cullen’s office with a handshake and a form held tightly in my hands. I’m staring down at it and reading words that I’ve spent dozens of hours researching online: oestradiol, progesterone, prolactin, testosterone. Before it was all stuff that I read about late at night in the glow of my computer monitor fearing that my Mom would burst in through the door at any moment and catch me.

Now, it’s something that I can be honest and open about. It’s something that’s official. No more black markets. No more shady websites and sneakily taking my medications with a pounding heart. Even the prick of the blood test feels gratifying despite not being able to look at the actual process without feeling light-headed. I’m even a bit woozy just double-checking my name and details on the vials.

But nothing feels better than the drive home in Charlie’s cruiser when he asks a simple question.

“So, what’s this all do, anyway?”

I turn to him. His eyes are locked to the road. “Do you really wanna know?” I ask.

“Of course I do, Bells.”

He shakes his head in disbelief and laughs.

“What kinda question is that?”


	3. Edward Cullen Is A Massive Dick

Monday morning doesn’t spring up on me as much as it looms over my head for the entire weekend. Since arriving in Forks I’ve been acutely aware that in a less than a week’s time I’d be going to a new high school, meeting new people, and be required to function as a nearly adult human. A nearly adult Isabella Swan at that. However, the closer the day has gotten the more and more worried I’ve been about it.

Charlie notices my panicked state around Sunday afternoon after the fifth time I’ve come down from my room for no reason other than to have something to do. When he asks what’s going on, I manage to suppress the gurgling in my stomach long enough to tell him that I’m worried about school. The conversation doesn’t go much farther than that. For as wonderful as Charlie has been he isn’t exactly the best when it comes to emotional problems. From what Mom told me about him, he’s the kind of person to put his head down and power through it.

Gee, doesn’t that sound like someone I know?

To our credit, powering through usually works. Unless you’re wide awake at 4AM on a Sunday morning because you’ve slept a total of two hours. For all the good my tossing and turning does, it doesn’t alleviate the knot in my stomach nor does it make me any less nauseous. I try so hard to go to sleep, I really do, but nothing works.

Around 5AM, I’m rushing to the bathroom to throw up. It’s the first of many that morning. Charlie wakes up. He doesn’t offer much help beyond asking if I’m okay after every loud guttural roar that lurches up from my gut. Honestly, it’s about all the help I want right about now.

I haven’t been this anxious since Mom forced me to wear a shirt and tie to the one and only middle school dance she could force me to.

Charlie leaves for work as early as he usually does. He wishes me good luck on my first day and tells me to call him if anything goes wrong. I nod and give the best smile that I can through the sheer panic and the pale, decrepit face that one can only get through puking three times in the span of two hours.

“You’ve got this, Bells. You’re… You’re a strong woman. Stronger than most.” He tells me while maintaining a considerable distance from me. Hearing that from him is enough to give me a genuine Charlie Swan branded smile and make all the horribleness I’m experiencing disappear for several fleeting seconds. Except, the moment he’s out the door it’s back to pacing and panicking.

That’s my M.O. for the next couple of hours. I try to keep myself hydrated with small sips of water. I don’t even think about eating anything. It’s just pacing and hyping myself up until the time comes for me to leave. And, when it does come time for me to leave I double check my backpack, double check my pockets (not that I can fit much in them anyway), and head out into my truck. Opening the door, I throw my bag into the passenger seat, and settle myself in. As I put the key in the ignition and the machine roars to life, I realise that this is something that I’m actually going to do. There’s no turning back. The tension settles just a bit.

That is, until I look at my face in the mirror of the sun visor and see my sickly visage staring back at me. Even if I was the kind of girl who wore any substantial amount of makeup, nothing could fix the mess of dehydration and generally ill tone of my skin. With a single glance, I’m able to pinpoint every masculine aspect of my face in the cruelest possible way.

I slam the sun visor up and take a deep breath. My hands grip the steering wheel. I take another deep breath. I can do this. I think?

The truck takes me all the way to Forks High School, Home of the Spartans. Even though I’ve only made the drive a handful of times over the past week I manage to do this one on autopilot. My nerves don’t really get any worse but they don’t get better either. Before too long I’m pulling into the parking lot and securing a park. My truck somehow manages to look out of place among the other similarly beat up rides. It might have something to do with the slightly rusted orange paint job or the fact that it sounds louder than a heavy metal concert.

When the engine stops and my truck stops rumbling, I take another second to compose myself. I’m staring down at my thighs and the comfortable pair of skinny jeans that they’re wrapped up in. My hair falls around my face like a curtain. It’s a moment of privacy that I need. I should be using this moment to hype myself up, to reassure myself that I can do this and that nothing will go wrong, but instead I’m wondering if it’s too late to throw in the towel and fly back to Arizona. If I beg on my hands and knees then surely Mom will take me back, right?

But it’s not an option right now. Right now, I’ve gotta girl up and…

Without so much as a second thought, I grab my things and exit the truck. I slip my hands into the pockets of my hoodie, pulling either side close around my body, and keep my head down as I make a beeline to the front office. The sound of chatting students puts me on edge. I know they’re talking about me. I know I’m walking too fast and that I’m trying too hard not to be noticed but before too long I’m opening the front doors and stepping inside.

It doesn’t take long for the surly ladies in the front office to get my things in order: a timetable, map, and a little sheet that I need all of my teachers to sign. Even though I’m sweating and fumbling over every second word, I manage to get through it. And, as the first bell rings I’m reminded that I just need to get through another six hours.

~~~~~~

First period math is easy enough to get through. I’m able to focus on the work and ignore the nausea in my stomach. Although, it is pretty difficult to do trigonometry on an empty stomach. Aside from having everyone stare at me when I enter the room and hand the teacher the form he has to sign, it’s pretty smooth. The stares leave me with a not-nice feeling that doesn’t stick with me long, thankfully.

And yet, that doesn’t even compare to when I’m exiting the classroom and hear a voice shout, “Hey! New girl! Wait up!”

I’m greeted by an arm around my shoulder and a face that’s way too close to my own. The smell of his deodorant isn’t exactly overpowering but the fact that I can smell it at all should be enough to tell you that my personal space isn’t so much as being invaded as it is being completely swamped by this lanky, spotted teen.

“You’ve just been lucky enough to win the best tour guide in all of Forks! You want to know anything about this dinky, little town? Eric Yorkie, at your service!”

Everything Eric says is with this playful smile and a jovial tone. It’s hard to be angry or upset at someone invading my space when they do it with charm and an infectious smile. Still, every inch of my body is uncomfortable in this moment. Yet it is pretty gratifying that he doesn’t see me as anything more than the new girl.

Slowly, I take Eric’s arm with both hands and lift it from around my neck to create a more comfortable distance between the two of us.

“You’ve definitely got one hell of a bark.” I say with nervous laughter.

Eric gives me a blank stare.

“Like… Yorkie… The dog?” The corners of his lips curl up before bursting out into a laugh that draws attention from those around us. I smile too. Apparently, I’m funny now?

“That’s good! You’re very good! Where you from, New Girl?” He looks down at the timetable in clutching one hand and the map I’m holding in the other. “You got Spanish? Mucho gusto, I’ll show you the way.”

“Thanks, leave it to me to get lost in the smallest high school I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s what I’m here for, doll. Your own personal Siri.” Eric doesn’t miss a beat. There’s a bit of small talk, more jokes and quick wit from him, as he leads me to Spanish class. The entire time I’m waiting for him to figure me out, to see through me, but it doesn’t happen. By the time we reach Spanish I’m wondering if I’ve made a new friend?

“Here’s your stop: Mrs. Goff’s Spanish class. Hey, you should sit with me and my friends at lunch. I’ll show you all the cool people.” I swallow the lump that forms in my throat as I nod. “Yeah, that… that sounds good.”

But after I manage to survive a Spanish class that I’m wholly unprepared for, I’ve got other plans. Namely, holing myself up in a cramped stall in the girl’s bathroom with nothing but my endless tumblr feed to keep me company. Eric’s invitation was awfully kind but I can do without second guessing myself and my appearance in front of several strangers who will be pestering me to try and swallow something that my body will refuse to digest. I’m not entirely sure if this is the healthier of the two options but it’s definitely the easier one. So, for now I’ll settle with the company of internet strangers.

As if the anxiety of avoiding lunch wasn’t bad enough, my timetable is telling me that I have PE next.

Sport.

That would be bad enough except it’s only now dawning on me that sport requires changing into sport-appropriate clothes.

Which means undressing in front of other girls.

Immediately, I snatch up my backpack and leave the stall in a huff. The bell has only just rung. I’m weaving my way between bodies to find the nearest exit. Once I do, I make a beeline for my truck.

Sitting inside is enough to send a wave of calm through me but it is by no means strong enough to quell my shaking body. I’m sweating too. Fuck, that’s exactly what I need. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I quickly find Charlie’s number in my contacts and dial it.

“Please pick up.” I beg. I can already feel the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. That’s not even mentioning how snotty my nose is becoming.

The dial tone repeats over and over. “Please please please.” I mumble and plead.

The dial’s cut short. “Bells? What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m supposed to be in PE class. I didn’t even think about PE! Charlie… I-I-I-I can’t do it. They’ll all find out and I’ll be bullied and picked on and-and- I can’t do it! Please don’t make me do it.” My voice shakes out all that information in a burst. There’s silence on the other end. All I can hear is my heavy breathing coupled with the sound of the penny dropping as Charlie no doubt thinks over a solution or, at worst, tells me to buckle down and get through it.

I sniffle. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. “It’ll be alright. I’ll swing by Carlisle’s and get you a note or something that’ll get you out of it. Just… Skip today, alright?”

“Alright.” I mumble.

“You’re strong, Bells. Try your best to relax, okay? Deep breaths.” It’s not exactly the most helpful words but I’ll take what I can get right now.

“Deep breaths.” I repeat.

“You good?”

“Yeah, sorry Charlie.” I wipe the tears from my eyes and the snot from my nose.

“It’s what I’m here for. Take care, Bella.”

“Bye Charlie.”

My body’s still shaking, I’m still practically panting, and my sweat is drenching my brow. There’s nothing I can do about this situation except hope that things work out in my favour. Again. I know that it’s a matter of time until my luck runs out.

I try to reassure myself that it’s out of my control; that I need to let it go. I fish headphones out of my bag and pop them into my phone before laying down across the two seats of my truck. It’s not a great solution and, yeah, I should really be studying to catch up for classes but right now this is what I need, I think.

~~~~~~

The good thing about missing PE is that I’m able to calm myself down somewhat. I’m also able to find the biology classroom and arrive sort of on time despite taking a good fifteen minutes to figure out where it’s located. You’d think that navigating a one story building with a map would be easy but I’m Bella Swan. I make everything difficult.

The seats are already mostly filled leaving me with little choice about where to sit. Eric’s in the back of the class, waving at me like a lunatic. I smile and wave back before handing the teacher my attendance slip.

“Nice to meet you, Bella. Welcome to our school! I’m Mr. Molina. Everyone’s partnered up for my class except for your new lab assistant, Mr. Edward Cullen.” The smiling, cheerful teacher motions to the only empty seat in the room. Right next to it is, apparently, the son of my doctor.

And, it wouldn’t be hard to figure out they’re related. While Edward’s hair is brown and, quite frankly, much more gravity defying, the father and son share the same complexion and same skin tone. Edward’s eyes, however, are a dark black. It would be hard to miss them considering he’s boring his gaze right into my soul right now. His hand grips the table and his entire body looks tense. I… I almost want to say that he’s in pain?

“Thank you, Sir.” I smile before moving to my seat next to Edward. It’s almost impossible to take my eyes off him. Carlisle is beautiful, no doubt, but Edward is something else entirely. There’s a hint of red in my cheeks as I try to play it cool but I don’t think anyone could buy me as anything even remotely close to “cool”. I’m like the soul of every “hip” parent shoved into the body of a seventeen year-old girl. I would be right at home in a made for TV special about the importance of friendship.

I give Edward a polite smile and he just stares. If I didn’t know any better, and I don’t, I’d swear he hasn’t taken a breath since I stepped in the room. As Mr. Molina begins teaching the class, I try to smoothly and seamlessly take a sniff of my armpits (remember what I said about being cool). I know I’ve been sweating all day but do I really smell that badly? I wear deodorant everywhere it’s possible to wear deoderant. I’m no stranger to the anxiety sweats.

The teacher outlines a little task for us involving the samples and the microscope already laid out on our desks. I take notes as Edward just stares at me throughout the corner of my eye. It’s becoming a little more than creepy.

But, when the teacher gives us the go ahead, I try to give Edward the benefit of the doubt. “Hi.” I smile at him, even showing my teeth like a normal person who is comfortable with their own smile. “I, uh, am pretty bad at first impressions. Sorry if I was rude. My name’s Bella.”

He keeps staring with that pained look on his face. His fists are definitely shaking. “Ed… ward…” The words eventually come out. His voice is about as smooth as gravel. In any other context, it might be sexy?

“Pleasure to meet you! Should we get to work?” This dude is seriously freaking me out. He pushes the sample towards me with his fist and I get the hint. I’ll do all the work while you… Try and get through whatever you’re going through right now. Honestly, a quiet lab partner is probably for the best after my day.

But as I’m making notes about the sample with my book in the middle of the desk so Edward can copy, I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong. Have I accidentally offended this guy? Did Carlisle sa-

Carlisle.

The only other person besides Charlie who knows that I’m transgender.

That all-too familiar wave of anxiety pushes through me. My heart thuds in my chest. I bite my bottom lip so hard to stop it from shaking that I swear I almost draw blood.

He’s… Disgusted by me?

I turn my head and look at Edward with a newfound fear in my eyes. His pupils dilate, his pained look only gets worse. “Are you okay?” I quietly ask. “You, um, look like you need to see the nurse?”

It’s an easy out; an easy way for him to get out of this classroom and separate himself from me. Next class we can ask for new lab partners if he hasn’t exposed me to the entirety of the school. Fuck, surely Carlisle wouldn’t mention me? I hope he hasn’t.

But, he doesn’t take my out. He just sits and stares. I try my best to keep up the one-sided small talk but Edward isn’t giving me anything. The longer that the class draws on the more I find myself wondering how someone could be so repulsed by me that they won’t even say a word. I’m wrestling back and forth with self-deprecation and positive thoughts so quickly that it’s giving me a serious case of whiplash. Is it my fault? No, I shouldn’t care about what this asshole thinks of me. But maybe he has a point?

The rest of the class is going about their business, doing what Mr. Molina asked, and I’m here trying to make conversation with a dude at best hates my guts and at worst hates my guts enough to spill my secrets to the entire school and ruin the rest of my high school life. And, yet, I continue to be a dumbass by trying to make friends.

“So, is your Dad Carlisle Cullen? I met him the other day. He’s really nice.” Once again, I smile at Edward and he gives me his patented “I’m going to shit my pants and then murder everyone in this room” look. And that’s all he gives me. Not even a yes or a no or a nod.

“Did he mention me at all?” I ask, not making eye contact this time.

Still nothing from Edward. I’d settle for a grunt or a fucking punch to the face at this point. He could be having some sort of medical crisis and I wouldn’t know. Has the dude even blinked once in the past forty minutes? The asshole should call Guinness because he’s about to break a record.

Reaching underneath my desk, I pull out my phone from my pocket and quickly text Charlie. I’m not even sure he knows how to text since every one that I’ve sent him has resulted in a phone call but I’m too curious to resist. I need to know if Carlisle said anything to Edward.

Can you ask Carlisle if he told his son about me? I’m next to him in biology and it’s like talking to a brick wall except somehow worse??

The bell rings an odd hour later and Edward almost jumps from his chair. He takes his jacket, racing out of the room, and all I can do is try not being offended or deeply hurt. Try as I might, I’m completely and hopelessly unsuccessful.

I get up from my chair and collect my things. It’s a slow walk to the front office to hand in my attendance slip. I’m in no rush. When I do manage to get there, most of the school appears to have cleared out. That is, except for the one person that I don’t want to see. The one person who I can’t even get a two minute break from.

“You don’t understand! I need to change classes!” He exhales through gritted teeth. The woman opposite the counter looks visibly shaken. However, it only takes a second or two for Edward to notice my presence. This might sound crazy but I swear he growls before pushing his way past me as he storms out of the small space.

~~~~~~

Charlie gets home long after I do. He comes in the door holding a plastic bag that doesn’t even remotely draw my attention. “Hey, how was your-”

“Did Carlisle say anything?” I ask him. The words practically explode from my mouth.

His face sours just a bit. “He would never tell his children about any of his patient’s personal or intimate details. His words. And, it took a bit of pushing but I got this.”

Charlie reaches into the plastic bag and pulls out a folded up note. I snatch it from him, unfold it, and skim over the details. It doesn’t list an explicit reason for me getting out of PE class but Carlisle’s signed off on it.

“Some of Carlisle’s kids do extracurricular sports. You just gotta sign a few forms and pick out somethin’ you wanna do every week. He suggested yoga?”

I nod along, smiling. “Thanks Charlie. I’m sorry if I freaked you out earlier. It’s… been a rough day.”

“It’ll get easier, Bells. Just take it one day at a time.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. It feels a little weird and I think he feels it too because just as soon as it’s there it disappears. “I’ve got something else you might like.”

He hands me the entire bag. Peering down into it, I see several different types of pill bottles. My smile only gets bigger as it stretches from ear to ear. Finally, I have hormones.

~~~~~

That night I’m left tossing and turning in my bed. I can’t get Edward out of my mind. One minute I’m angry and the next I’m hurt. It’s even more confusing because he’s, well…

Nevermind. Let’s not think about that. I’m completely unsure how I’m going to handle him come tomorrow. I don’t even feel like going to Biology. Maybe I’ll skip it? I missed one PE class it won’t hurt missing a Biology one too.

I’ll figure it out tomorrow, right now I’m too tired to think straight.

~~~~~~

The next day I’m feeling a lot better about myself. It could be the higher doses of estradiol or it might be warm hug that is knowing I don’t have to clumsily stumble my way around a gym twice a week.

“Lots of people do that extracurricular stuff. You should join the soccer team! It’s a whole thing.” Eric cheerfully explains as we wait in line at the cafeteria. His eyes are lighting up as something that resembles a burger is slapped onto his tray. I opt for some fruit. “You’d look totally cute in their uniform. You get short shorts and everything.”

I let out a little chuckle. Eric leads me over to his table of friends. “Uh, sports aren’t really my thing. I’d say I have two left feet but, uh, I don’t think a foot transplant would help at all.”

“You might have dyspraxia.” A tall woman, taller than me, with eyes that could only be described as kind looks up at me from her seat at the table. “Do you have trouble with stairs? Or writing? Can you ride a bike?”

Eric breathes out a sigh as he takes his seat. I sit down next to him. “That is Angela, our resident doctor. She has a thing with diagnosing people. Next to her is Jessica, Mike, and Tyler.”

I give a little wave and a smile that’s as forced as you’d expect from someone being scrutinized in every possible way by a group of strangers. Thankfully, the mousy woman with dark skin, dark hair, and a perfect complexion who I think is Jessica speaks up.

“Aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be, like, tanned?” There’s a chorus of laughter that I try to join into but for the most part I’m wondering if this girl is as bitchy as she seems.

“Guess I missed the memo.” I shrug. Everyone laughs at that too but Eric and Mike are noticeably louder. Jessica does not seem pleased in the slightest judging by how she pokes and prods at whatever she’s eating.

Conversation quickly turns away from me and I’m incredibly grateful for that. As I look around the cafeteria my eyes are inevitably drawn to a group of impeccably dressed, impossibly gorgeous men and women. Judging by their shared eye colour and the fact that Edward is sitting with them, it doesn’t take too much of a leap to put two and two together. His golden eyes shoot a glance in my direction and I immediately look away.

I wait for the conversation to lull naturally before asking, “Are those the Cullens?”

Jessica rolls her eyes. “The freakishly beautiful ones? Yeah.”

“Jealous!” Tyler smirks. The boys laugh. Jessica hits him which, to be honest, it seems like it had it coming even if Jessica is a bit of a dick.

“What’s their deal? They seem… different?” I mutter like I’m afraid of being overheard but people on the opposite end of a noisy room.

Angela leans back and folds her arms. In fact, everyone seems to resign themselves to losing the next couple moments of their life as Jessica leans forward, eyes smiling. “They’re all adopted by this cute doctor and his wife and, get this, they’re all together. Like… Together together.”

I look at her with total surprise. “Dating? Is that even legal?”

“Right?!” She exclaims. “It’s like some weird, incestous Brady Bunch. The only one that’s on the market is Edward and, believe me, it’s not worth trying.” The way she sounds so exacerbated makes me think that she’s been rejected more than once. I’m kinda hoping it was embarrassing. Is that awful of me?

I pull back at the mention of Edward. “I was his partner in Biology yesterday. He’s a bit of a creep, isn’t he?”

The look on Jessica’s face can only be described as, well, thirsty. “Who cares? He’s a hunk.”

Angela’s hand is on Jessica’s arm. “Calm down, girl.”

Meanwhile, I give another shrug. I don’t push the subject. The last thing I want to do is start a fight about a boy that I may or may not have been thinking about way too much the night before. Let me tell you, going to sleep full of rage, self-consciousness, and indecision about a boy is not a good idea. I mean, there were other feelings too but those are way too confusing to address with any clarity.

It’s hard not to leave the cafeteria with anything but a smile on my face. I’ve made a couple new friends or, at least, it feels like it. The only thing that could sour my mood is another biology lesson and, hey, guess what’s next?

The anxious part of my brain, which is most of it, is telling me to skip it. However, with clenched, shaking fists I’m determined to see it through.

You know what? I’m going to give that stupidly handsome man with the gravity-defying hair a piece of my mind! Yeah, Bella Swan is growing some b- ovaries? Hell, I wish that was possible.

As I round the corner to the classroom there’s one slight problem affixes itself to my plan.

Sitting in Edward’s seat isn’t Edward but a tiny woman with dark brown hair and those gorgeous golden eyes. Her head turns towards me. A smile spreads across on her face and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. My breath catches in my throat and for a second it feels like the whole room is brighter because of her.

My feet carry me towards her and her desk as if on autopilot. I sit down, trying to collect myself as I pull out my things. “Hi! I’m Alice.” She smiles.

Goddamn, she smiles.


	4. Girls Are Pretty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who left kudos or comments! Heck, thank you if you even read this. I wasn’t intending on publishing it at all but the affirmation has been really encouraging.
> 
> I can’t promise that updates will be regular but I’m trying to make them frequent from now on. I try to write a decent combination of plot and fluff and only upload when I feel like I’ve gotten a significant amount written. Sometimes that means getting multiple chapters at once! Like today!

Alice’s voice is like a song. Every syllable flows after one another in a cheerful melody. The words eb and flow like rushing water down a sparkling river. I let myself be caught in the meandering stream until my smile comes to mirror her own: happy and carefree. I’m lost in her world. But as she’s speaking, and she’s barely even saying anything, I’m left wondering how someone as strange and off-putting as Edward could be even remotely related to a woman who radiates such beautiful kindness.

“Bella.” I say with all the confidence of a mouse. I’m unpacking my things, my gaze doesn’t even begin to acknowledge the beautiful and tiny woman sitting next to me. Even sitting down I’m a good head and a half taller than her which is quite amazing considering that I’m not exactly a giant myself.

But before Alice can say another word, I’m cutting her off with a question that’s niggling at the back of my mind.

“Where’s Edward?”

I shouldn’t care. It’s not healthy to care. He made his opinion of me quite clear yesterday. The only reason I’m missing him is because I was looking forward to make him angry by merely existing in his proximity. Yeah, that’s definitely it.

It has nothing do with me staying up most of the night thinking about him. How could I not? There’s a reason Jessica is so obsessed with the boy.

Alice bites her lip. My breath stops for a tick. Even though I only see it out of the corner of my eye it’s breath-stopping worthy. However, it seems to have the same effect on her. Her body’s still, too still, and her face is strained. It’s the same reaction Edward gave me yesterday. Only this time it somehow hurts more.

“I’m sorry, Bella. Edward’s…” She pauses. It’s long enough that I begin to think that she’s trailed off completely. Alice squeezes her eyes shut.

Alice can’t get the next part out. I watch as she tries to compose herself but something is definitely off. It only serves to make me nauseous. My breath has disappeared for a completely different reason and my heart’s pounding and I’m sweating just enough that it’s noticeable. I’m trying my best to replace the oxygen that’s quickly left my lungs. No matter how fast I breathe it’s not coming back. 

This time I’m the one closing my eyes. 

I’m clawing the edge of the desk. It’s the only way I can stop my hands from shaking. My fingertips are numb from the pressure.

“Bella? Shit! I’m sorry… I didn’t… Please, open your eyes?”

Edward knows. Alice has to know. I wanted this to be easy. I knew it was going to be hard but this...

I open my eyes. I’m out of my seat before I even realise what I’m doing. Alice calls for me but I ignore her as I rush past the tables and Mr. Molina as he enters the room. I’m not even sure where I’m going until I turn the corner and see an open door, an empty room.

The door swings shut behind me. I lean against a wall, resting my head against it too. I know what I should be doing when I have a panic attack. Breathe slowly, Bella. Br-

Barely a second’s reprieve before that tiny girl with the pixie haircut is bursting through the door. She’s not even past the threshold. Her eyes glance over me. I don’t need to look at her for more than a second to recognise the expression on her face. It’s the same one Edward wore yesterday except her golden eyes aren’t filled with malice like her brother’s. If I didn’t know any better I’d say they were kind eyes. Except I do know better.

I also know that I’m overreacting. I’m jumping to conclusions; stupid conclusions. I’m embarrassing myself in front of someone I don’t even properly know and it’s making a mess of everything. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.

“Bella.” Alice winces. There’s hesitation, then a step forward. My heart pounds faster. Alice winces again, stronger this time, before shaking her head over and over. She takes one final look down at me while I look up at her. I watch through my blurry vision as Alice stiffly lowers herself and sits down next to me.

There’s no physical contact. Alice doesn’t try to hug me or even put a hand on my back. In fact, there’s quite a bit of distance between us; at least a whole arm’s length.

“I’m sorry if I scared you.” She whispers. It’s barely audible. I sniffle and wipe the snot from my nose which causes Alice to sympathetically smirk. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I shake my head. “No, it’s okay. I’m not usually like this, I swear. It’s been a long week, that’s all.” It takes a lot of effort to stop myself from sobbing like a complete idiot but even with all that work I fail miserably by letting out a couple noises that sound like a honking goose.

It’s impossible to get a read on the girl. By all accounts, she seems genuinely concerned about my wellbeing but judging by the way she winces and tenses her body, it feels like she can barely stay in the same room as me. Her hands are clenched into fists, her back is impossibly straight, and I swear she’s not even breathing. Maybe I do smell bad? Maybe I’m insufferable and disgusting to her.

“You’re missing class.” I pull my knees closer to my chest, sniffling again, wrapping my arms around them and hugging them closely.

“So are you. But I can’t go back until I’m sure you’re okay.”

Have you ever noticed that girls are pretty? Like, really pretty. I’m not entirely sure that I’ve ever stopped to think about it. But girls are really fucking pretty.

I’m kinda left staring at Alice’s curved lips for longer than is appropriate. My thoughts are stuck on girls. And Alice. And the way her short hair frames her face. She looks like a pixie; a faerie from those books Mom used to read to me as a kid. Alice kinda fills me with that same sense of wonder that those stories did.

“Is everything alright?” It comes out gravelly and low, almost like something between a growl and a hiss. I blink, wondering if I heard correctly. Alice squeezes her eyes shut for a second before repeating herself.

“Is everything alright?”

I nod along. “Do… Does your family have a problem with me?”

Alice’s brow furrows. “No. Why would we?”

“Do you have a problem with me?”

That causes her to quietly laugh. “I wouldn’t be here if I did.”

I nod again.

There isn’t much said after that. We sit in silence. Every now and then I glance at Alice only to look away the moment she turns her head in my direction. It’s like a game of chicken that I’m constantly losing.

“C’mon, you should get back to class. It’s almost second period.” Alice stands up. I stand up too and we both walk back to class in silence. Alice is several steps ahead of me. She doesn’t once turn her head to make sure that I’m following. Almost like clockwork, when we finally get back the bell rings.

“And where did you two run off?” Mr. Molina puts his hands on his hips. The smile on his face betrays any sort of serious demeanour that he might of been trying to get across. Truth be told, he comes across more like your friend excitedly telling you about all these cool biology facts he knows. Except then he tests you on those facts later. Either way, he’s much better than most teachers I’ve ever had.

Alice answers him straight away. “Women’s troubles.” I nod in turn, rubbing my stomach.

He doesn’t ask any more questions after that. “Right. Take a seat.”

~~~~~~

 

By the end of the lesson I’m not entirely convinced that Alice likes me. Someone who hates your guts doesn’t exactly sit with you as you’re a crying, snotty, blubbering mess but on the other hand someone who likes you doesn’t look like they’re in pain just trying to hold any semblance of a conversation. The only thing I’m convinced is that a biology lesson with Alice is much better than one with Edward. But only just.

And, it has nothing to do with how just looking at Alice fills my stomach with butterflies. Or how she makes me forget about her brother entirely. That’s purely coincidental.

I’m still recovering from making a complete idiot of myself when I get home. Charlie and I talk a little bit but it’s forced on my part. He sits in his chair as he tells me about the day he had and, by all accounts, it sounds even worse than mine. However, I don’t really pay attention. My mind is elsewhere. I pick up the odd word or phrase: “rabid animal”, “killings”, etc. Eventually, I drift off to my room to study.

~~~~~~

With no more biology lessons this week, there’s no reason for me to be around Edward or Alice. I do pass them in the halls and take fleeting glances towards them whenever I’m in the cafeteria. Alice is able to muster a smile or a less than energetic wave. Edward’s face is either blank or offering something akin to a sneer.

I’ve literally got no idea what I’ve done to make that boy hate me and yet I’ve completely stopped caring. The more of a dick he is the more Alice’s light outshines his own. By Friday I’ve lost interest in Edward Cullen.

One other thing comes to my attention: Alice is head over heels for Jasper Hale. They’re inseparable. Whenever I see the two of them they’re joined by the hip or by their hands or by the adorable little kisses Jasper delicately places on her forehead. It’s on that Friday, staring at the two of them a little too obviously from across the cafeteria that something horrible starts to bubble up inside of me. I’ve been watching Alice rest her head on Jasper’s shoulder for a little too long and, with a deep breath, I have to admit it. I’m jealous.

“She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?” Angela leans over and whispers.

My hand darts to my mouth. I lean forward, coughing, as I try not to choke on my food. If that wasn’t enough to draw everyone’s eyes then the bright pink blush in my cheeks would do it. Eric passes me his gatorade and I take a quick sip. The look on his face voices a genuine concern. 

“I suppose.” I say, cool as a cucumber. Angela snorts as she laughs. It’s really fucking cute. She covers her face too. “Dude, you don’t have to pretend. It’s cool. I’ve thought about it.”

Jessica’s entire face lights up whenever anyone gossips about the Cullens. That girl is way too obsessed with that family. Although, it’s pretty hypocritical coming from the girl that has spent most of her time thinking about at least one of the family members since arriving in Forks.

“It’s ridiculous how hot she is. Like, leave some for the rest of us!” There’s a fake laugh followed by Mike insisting that Jessica is hot. Trap meet bait.

Angela’s eyes are locked on mine now. Everyone at the table is kinda focused on us. Even Eric is leaning forward more than he usually does when I talk. “So, she’s hot, right?”

I nervously laugh. “Yeah, I mean… I guess?”

Eric’s gaze darts to Angela’s. They lock eyes for a moment. Eric turns back to me. “She’s not that pretty though. Like, compared to Emmett or Edward, right?”

My face scrunches up and that nervous laughter continues. “Dude, why are you so interested in who I think is hot?”

Angela sighs. She leans back in her seat and folds her arms which, when you’re as muscular as she is, looks pretty damn good. “Me and Eric have a bet. I think you’re gay. He thinks you’re straight. I’m telling you my powers of bisexuality give me a better gaydar!”

My brain short circuits as I try to process everything that was just said. Silence fills the table as everyone leans forward just a bit. Eric is practically lying on the table at this point. I’m kinda just trying to look anywhere but the several sets of eyes boring into my soul.

“There’s no pressure but, uh, I’d really like to win twenty bucks.”

I poke around at my food, staring down at it. “I dunno. I suppose Angela wins? I’m not really… anything.”

Angela raises her hands up and shouts. “Fuck yeah! Twenty bucks, Yorkie! Pay the fuck up!” Everyone just laughs as the money changes hands. Angela stands up and starts flexing. She chants “Bisexual Queen!” every time she switches her pose. It’s impossible not to giggle at least a little bit at how silly she is. Even Jessica looks like she’s enjoying herself for once. I’m left feeling awfully confused but happy that I’ve got friends that I can be honest with.

Sorta honest with.

Nevertheless, when Angela finally sits back down, it doesn’t stop me from feeling all gooey when she leans over and whispers one last time. “If you were so obviously in love with Alice, I’d totally date you.”

My mouth hangs open. Angela gives me this look that, I guess, is sultry. “I… Thanks.” I blush, looking away. Angela chuckles to herself before her attention is taken by the rest of the table.

When lunch is over and we’re heading to our next classes, Eric walks next to Angela instead of me like he has the past couple days. I chew on the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from saying something. Even if I wanted to, Jessica is at my side almost immediately. She clutches her books in her arms, pushing them against her not-exactly-modest chest.

“Don’t worry about Alice. Everyone gets over their silly Cullen crush. It’s like… A Forks tradition or something.” She laughs a little and offers a smile alongside it. I smile too.

“I suppose you’re right.”


	5. Human Disaster

Over the next several weeks, the conversations between Alice and I don’t get any less stilted. It always feels like she’s holding back. The excited, cheerful girl that I see dancing around in the halls isn’t the same girl that I’m spending my biology lessons with. There’s marginal improvements, I guess, but I’m too awkward to carry on conversations with people who do like me let alone those who don’t. Somehow, I don’t think there’s a chance of us becoming friends anytime soon.

It wouldn’t be such an issue if Alice wasn’t the most exciting thing about Forks. My new friends are great and things between Charlie and myself are only getting better. I’m catching up with schoolwork too. Yet whenever I have any freetime to myself there’s only one place my mind wants to wander.

Thankfully, taking up yoga as an extracurricular means that I get four free periods a week to work on other things. Or chill out in my truck. Yoga isn’t bad either. It’s not great but it beats anything that requires, you know, coordination.

So, I guess things have been looking up? I’m settling in properly, at least. I have friends, I have school, and everything’s coming up Bella.

Except Math. Fuck Math. College Algebra is supposed to be the easiest possible Math class that I can take. Can someone then please explain to me why I’m spending more time studying for this shitty class than any other? Who the fuck puts letters next to numbers!

That’s why, instead of listening to music and laying down in my truck, I’m tucked away in a corner of the library with books scattered across the small desk that I’ve got to myself. I let out an exhausted sigh, throwing my pencil down with a little too much force, and watch it bounce onto the floor. For the billionth time, my answers don’t line up with the answers given in my textbook.

“Fuck!” I mutter quietly. My fingers run through my hair. My lips purse to form a thin line as I try to calm myself with a deep breath inhaled through my flared nose. Count to three, Bella.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as a small woman gracefully lowers herself to pick up my pencil. She carefully places it on the desk.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out who it is.

I turn and look up at Alice, as much as anyone can look up at Alice, and force a smile. “Thank you.” She smiles back and as I look up at her something dawns on me; something that has those all too familiar butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

And, Alice is actually smiling at me. I’m not talking about the kind of polite, fake smiles she’s been giving me. I’m not talking about those pained smiles either. It actually looks like she’s happy to see me.

“Do you mind if I sit down?” I nod and blink a couple times more than human. “Y-Yeah… Go ahead.”

Alice lets out a little giggle and for a couple seconds I swear that I’ve ascended the material plane. Why has she deprived me of this sound for literal weeks? She’s nibbling on her smiling lip as she’s looking at me and I swear, in this moment, I could die happy. It makes me wish that I could bottle this feeling because it’s so addictive that I know I’ll want more.

She takes the seat to my left, on a different side of the table, and gently places her neatly stacked books in front of her. “I need to apologise. I… haven’t been fair to you. Things have been going on with my family and I’ve let it effect what I know will be an amazing friendship.” Her hands come to rest squeezed between her thighs like a sandwich while she leans forward. Her eyes never leave mine. I barely manage to meet her gaze.

“I’d love to start over. If you’d let me?” There’s a few seconds of silence as my brain catches up. Staring at cute girls has that effect on me. It stings a little when I realise she only wants to be friends while I’m wishing for something more. Nevertheless, I smile. “Yeah, definitely. And, uh, it’s kinda late but thanks for sitting with me while I was being a total freak.”

A laugh that’s somewhere between pity and sympathy glides from her lips. It’s soft and gentle; not meaning to do harm. “Oh Bella, you’re nothing of the sort. Now, what’s got you looking so adorably flustered?”

I push my notebook, rotating it so that Alice can see the messy, scribbled numbers that form equations and my horrible attempt at working through the problems. Meanwhile, I’m trying to ignore how she can make my stomach flip with a simple comment.

“Oh! I see what you’re doing wrong.” Alice pipes up. I turn my head to look at her. She does the same.

“Yeah?” I ask.

“Mhm. Everything.”

The blank look on her face lasts all of two seconds. It cracks into a smile. Then a full blown giggle. I laugh a little, cringing as I do. “Is it that bad?”

“Oh, sweetie.” Alice doesn’t stop giggling.

The laughter dies down and Alice does take the time to explain to me how to do the problems. It takes all my focus to pay attention on her explanations and not how wonderful her voice sounds. Or how beautiful she is. Or how there’s this pesky little strand of hair that keeps coming to hang riiight above her eye and no matter how many times she effortlessly brushes it away it stubbornly keeps coming back.

It’s strange. I’ve never really noticed that I’ve never crushed on girls before. I’ve never crushed on boys either. My “friends” in high school would talk about girls they fancy and I would pretend like I could relate. Sure, I totally noticed that girl’s ass. Yeah, that teacher definitely has nice tits. Can we talk about books again?

Even now it’s difficult to relate to that. This is different. I’d be stupid not to realise how unbelievably attractive Alice’s body is. Anyone with half a brain could notice that.

Alice shines. There’s a feeling in my gut that compels me to want to know more about her. I want her to be happy. And, with any luck, I want to be the person that makes her happy because goddamn the world should not be deprived of Alice Cullen’s indescribably beautiful smile.

“So, did you get that?” She asks. Again, I blink one too many times. My body catches up with my brain and I nod. “Yeah, totally.”

Alice sighs. “You’re clueless, aren’t you?”

“Completely.” I laugh. My grin spreads wide

That smile spreads across her lips again. The world seems a little bit brighter. “Isabella Swan, you are a disaster.”

The final bell of the day rings and saves me from having to respond to Alice. Given the chance, I’m pretty sure that I would have drooled all over my books and mumbled something incoherent. It makes me wonder if Jessica was right and everyone feels this way about the Cullens. How could anyone possibly ignore a feeling like this? It seems impossible. Maybe my willpower isn’t as great as everyone else’s.

Alice stands, collecting her things. “If you do really need help with this I’d be happy to try again. Maybe when you’re feeling less distracted?” She smirks. My face turns red. For a moment I’m wondering if I’m that obvious and yet all Alice does is giggle. “Anyway, bye!”

With that Alice, quite literally, skips away.

I’m a bit slower packing away my things but it’s not too long before I’m out in the carpark, doing my best to weave between the reckless drivers. I pop into my truck and get the engine started just so I can listen to the radio while I wait for everyone to move.

As I’m leaning with my head back, barely staring out the window, when a bright and shiny car full of Cullens passes by. The windows are tinted black so I don’t see who’s inside. That’s not the important part though.

It’s kind of strange that I never really noticed it. I guess I’m usually out of the car park quite early or the Cullens beat me to the punch. Regardless, it’s a bit odd that a bunch of teenagers are driving such fancy cars, isn’t it? Back in Arizona I wasn’t a stranger to seeing people my age with brand new cars bought by their rich parents but even those were tame by comparison. These guys have, like, five different vehicles that they drive to and from school. They even drive two or three to school each day.

I mean, I figure that being a doctor is a well paying job. At least, that’s what soap operas would have me believe. It can’t be that good though. Unless their Mom is some sort of billionaire or something.

It shouldn’t stick with me as much as it does. The whole drive home I’m trying to forget about this pointless, wayward thought but it doesn’t leave my head. Something about it doesn’t make sense. 

It’s like when you’re enjoying a movie until something happens that grabs you by the scruff of the neck and yanks you out of the experience with all the force of a ravenous mountain lion. You’re sitting there, in the comfort of your living room, trying to go back to that mindless state where you were having fun. Except you keep unconsciously reminding yourself of that one dumb bit. Suddenly, the whole movie starts to unravel. All because a bunch of evil machines decided to use humans as batteries despite so many other more efficient energy sources already existing!

I’m home before Charlie is, as always, so I make myself comfortable on the couch and watch some TV. He says hello when he comes through the door and plops down in his chair.

“What does Dr. Cullen’s wife do? What’s her job?” I abruptly ask. Charlie gives me a curious stare. His brow lowers and the wrinkles in his forehead disappear.

“Uh… Esme’s an architect, I think. Never met her but Carlisle’s talked about her. Why do y-”

“How long have they been in Forks?” I continue.

He pauses for a moment, looking towards the ceiling, as he blows through his lips; puffing them out. “Two years? Give or take? What’s with the questions, Bells?”

I’m leaning forward now. “Don’t you think it’s weird? These totally rich supermodels show up out of nowhere, live on the outskirts of town, and nobody sees them ever except at school or the hospital. That’s weird, right?”

Charlie laughs like it’s the most normal thing in the world. He looks at me like I’m a madwoman connecting unrelated things with wool on a corkboard; like I’m a conspiracy theorist in a tinfoil hat.

“Yeah, it’s a little strange. I don’t suppose there’s a point you’re making here?” Charlie smiles. I pause for a couple seconds as the cogs in my brain slowly turn. In the end, all I can do is let out one of those half laughs. The kind where you don’t really make any noise except exhaling out of your nose.

I shake my head a little. “Not really. Maybe they were part of the Mafia? Carlisle’s got the hair for it.” Charlie chuckles at that. It makes me smile to hear him laugh. Sometimes when he laughs it makes me glad that I ended up here.

I let Charlie know that I’m going to go study before heading up to my room. Laying down on the bed with my back propped up against my pillows, I pull out my phone and continue my investigation. If the chief of police doesn’t have proper answers to my questions then perhaps my Google Fu can enlighten me.

My thumbs type away at the screen. One by one, I search the names of the Cullen family. Every time I’m given irrelevant results. Even searching specifically on Facebook or Linkedin turns up with nothing. Facebook I can understand, I don’t have a Facebook account, but shouldn’t a doctor or an architect have a Linkedin profile? I’m not an expert by any means but it’s enough to make my current fixation hunger for more.

Stopping for a moment, I take the time to collect my thoughts. Maybe I need to get more sleuthy about this? Just because they don’t have a digital footprint doesn’t mean there isn’t some sort of paper trail.

It seems like a stretch but it’s all I’ve got right now. I find some newspaper databases and begin the search again with the name of each Cullen revealing nothing. It’s the same story as before: entries referring to people with the same names that so obviously can’t be these teenage high schoolers. I’ve got obituaries for people sharing the names of every family member but no pictures to confirm if they’re committing insurance fraud something.

So, all in all, a little over an hours work with nothing to show for it. I can’t even find any reviews for Carlisle. Not a single review on the hospital’s facebook page mentions him. As for Esme’s architecture career, I cannot find any mention of buildings or homes she’s designed. Again, there’s no reviews or even a single listing for her anywhere on the internet.

And, yes, a smart person would look at this complete lack of evidence and conclude that the Cullens are just some boring people with a bunch of money. Money that they happened to acquire in completely legitimate means.

Maybe it’s because Forks is such a humdrum town or maybe it’s because Alice is too perfect to simply ignore. Either way, the hungry monster of curiosity growls at the back of my head. The Cullen family is too clean. Much like Alice, this whole thing is too perfect; too good to be true.

As for what I can do with this burning curiosity? I’ve got no idea. What are you supposed to do with the absence of information? The best I can do is choose to ignore it and choose to believe that some people are simply super rich supermodels with fancy cars living in the most boring town in America.

~~~~~~

The following morning isn’t anything special. My roaming, wandering thoughts kept me up the night before for much longer than I’d like. At this point, it’s not unusual for me to drive to school feeling sleepy. Maybe if I’m lucky I can get in a quick power nap before first period. You wouldn’t think that the seats of an old, beaten down pickup truck would be comfortable but I’ve already spent hours laying down in here. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to sleep.

Carefully, I park the truck in my usual spot. The engine turns off and I shove my keys into my bag. The thought of a nap is really appealing to me. The only problem is that I can see a certain girl, adorably wrapped up in a scarf, talking with the rest of her family across the either side of the car park. Her eyes are glued to my truck as she bounces on her heels.

Has Alice been waiting for me? My heart flutters at the thought. I quickly squash those butterflies. Jasper puts his arm around his girlfriend and any remaining insects in my stomach that might have been holding onto life meet a sudden end.

My crush on Alice might be super fucking intense but I’m not about to even attempt to go down that route while she’s dating someone. She’s probably straight anyway. Maybe I should ask Angela out instead? She’s super cute and nice.

Alice keeps staring at my truck. The Cullens are glancing in my direction too. It’s a little more than weird; definitely unsettling. My thoughts instantly jump to the most obvious and most hurtful conclusion. However, I’m in a lot better state of mind than I was several weeks ago and I’m healthy enough to know that it’s just my insecurities getting the better of me.

I step out of the truck knowing that it’s probably nothing. My bag’s slung over my shoulder. I shove my hands into my jeans. I could go and find my friends, they’re probably inside somewhere, but spending this half an hour alone might be a better idea. An idea that has nothing to do with my crush standing far away from me.

The first time my eyes dart over to her, Alice is waving me over. I can’t help but give a curious look. She cups her hands around her mouth and shouts “Bella!” as she beckons me over again. Her hand flaps quickly.

I fidget for a second, biting my lip. Alice doesn’t look happy. It’s not her usual look that she reserves for me either. I’m not sure what’s going but it leaves me feeling uncertain.

Deep breath. It’s less than half an hour until class. I’ve got a get out of jail free card if things, when things, go south.

Tentatively, I take my steps over towards the Cullen clan. A naive child walking straight into the wolves’ den; a spider getting trapped by the fly. Too soon, I’m close enough to greet them. “Hey, what’s u-”

Any words I could possibly say to make this encounter not-awkward are overpowered by the sound of screeching; tires screeching. A hand reaches out and grabs my wrist. Their touch is colder than the mid-Autumn air. I turn my head just in time to see someone’s van careening sideways into something. The bang of metal meeting metal is louder than the what the tires made burning their rubber into the asphalt by a good margin.

It takes a moment for me to realise that someone’s crashed their car into someone else’s. It takes another for me to realise that my truck is the one that’s been hit. I can’t actually see the damage but I can connect the dots from what cars I’ve parked next to.

My mouth is left hanging open a tiny bit. My stomach turns. My insides cave. The first thought I have is how devastated Charlie will be. The second thought is hoping that whoever caused the accident is okay. Please be okay.

My worries are answered pretty quickly. A man I recognise but don’t actually know steps out of van looking a little shaken and disorientated but otherwise completely fine. A swarm of students crowd him as teachers looking on start dialing their phones which I assume is to call the police. Some of them part the sea of students to make sure that he’s alright. All the while, I’m frozen on the spot.

It’s stupid. I shouldn’t be so dramatic. It’s only a car.

I look at Alice for only a moment to see the concern on her face. The others don’t even register. I tug my arm and she lets go of my wrist. The cold of her hand lingers as I drudge across towards the wreckage. The crushing realisation of what happens bears down on me as I silently hope that everything’s not totally fucked.

The crowd doesn’t notice me as I pass. A few of my friends try to grab my attention by shouting my name but I just speed up past them. Finally, I lay my eyes on what’s left of my truck.

The front has completely crushed inwards. The back of the van has absorbed almost all the blow. The front window of my truck is smashed. There’s glass all over what’s left of the hood and even more on the ground. I’m not sure what would have happened if I’d decided to take that nap in there but it wouldn’t have been good.

I’m left staring. My expression is blank. There’s a single thought passing through my head.

It’s gone.

The stupid deadbeat truck that I’ve had for a little over a month is totally destroyed. It should mean nothing to me. But it does. It’s another in a long line of awful things that have happened to me this year. This one stings especially.

“Bella! Did you s-” Jessica’s stops mid-question as do her feet. She stands next to me. Her attention turns from my wrecked truck to me. “I’m… I’m sorry.” Her voice is low, solemn, genuine. It’s not long before she’s joined by Mike, Angela, and Eric. They say similar things but I don’t quite catch them.

Charlie’s voice is the one that finally breaks me from my daze. I’m so lost that I don’t even hear the cruisers pull up. I turn and my friends clear the way. Charlie grabs my shoulders before pulling me into a hug, my face meets his chest, and I have to remind myself to wrap my arms around him.

“Are you okay? You’re not hurt?” He asks. His attention isn’t even remotely on the truck. I swallow my spit to help my dry throat as I nod a little.

“Y-Yeah. I wasn’t… wasn’t in the truck. I’m sorry.”

The corners of his moustache turn up a little. “What for, Bells?”

“It’s not gonna run again, is it? You put so much effort into getting me it and now it’s gone. I’m… I’m sorry.” I apologise again. Every part of me feels hollow. My eyes are leaking. But then Charlie laughs.

“Bells, sweetheart, it’s okay. It’s a thing. An expensive thing, sure, but a thing that can be replaced. What matters is that you’re okay because you’re…” He drifts off and I see him swallow too. His eyes become glassy as he checks over his shoulder. There’s two other cops assessing the damage and asking the driver of the van what happened. The rest of the students are slowly drifting towards the building to get to class. My friends are still hanging around though.

Charlie faces me again. He’s still not quite making eye contact though. “There’s only one Bella. Millions of trucks but only one Bella Swan.” His voice is quiet, low.

Throwing my arms around Charlie, I pull him into a big hug. With all my strength, which isn’t much, I squeeze him tight. “Oof. Careful, Bells.” He laughs.

When I pull back, both of us avoid looking one another in the eye. I’m not sure I could even if I wanted to because my vision’s suddenly quite blurry.

I cough, clearing my throat. “I should get to class.”

“Yep, alright. Have a good day, Bells.” Charlie puts his hands on his hips and nods. I laugh a little bit and quietly too before walking off with my friends.


	6. La Push

Who in their right mind goes to a beach when it’s overcast and in single digit temperatures? Bella Swan, apparently.

Everything is grey. From the muddy sand to the murky water to the horribly depressing clouds which hang around Forks no matter how hard I wish for them to leave. The water’s as still as a small lake. The waves lazily roll onto the shore, coming in less than a metre to almost meet my shoes, before being pulled back into the melancholy stillness. Then there’s the smell of the salt water which is fucking repugnant. Does anyone actually enjoy the smell of the beach? I fully believe that anyone who says they do is just lying to themselves because this is horrid.

And yet, my friends are having the time of their life. There’s splashing and laughing and the exciting sport of “climb on my shoulders like a two person Voltron and lets try to push the other two person Voltron over”. Angela and Eric have won three bouts out of five with Eric using his tactic of flailing his arms wildly to upset Jessica’s lack of balance. Angela, of course, supports Eric like the mountain woman she is. It’s no surprise considering that she’s hella buff. Jessica keeps blaming Mike for them losing but, surprisingly, they’re laughing about it and for once Jessica isn’t her usual serious self.

And I’m on the beach - alone. In jeans and several layers of warm clothes, no less. Angela did offer me her younger sister’s wetsuit, because to swim in this freezing water you need a fucking wetsuit, but skintight clothing isn’t exactly my thing. I’m enjoying being inside the closet. Quite frankly, I’d like to keep it that way.

On the bright side, I am sitting next to a gigantic penis that Mike drew into the sand. So, I’ve got that going for me. Next to it is a beautiful sandcastle that I made (which _totally_ isn’t just a sand hill) and a score tally of the wrestling matches.

Jessica screams right before clumsily falling into the water with a mountainous splash. I make another mark under the “A + E” column. The ripples make their way to the shore before fading into nothing.

Just as I think that things can’t get any worse, I hear a deep voice that fills me with anxiety-induced nausea. “Isabella Swan!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a curtain of black hair sit down next to me with his legs criss-crossed like a child. He brushes his hair behind his ear and I see that face that resembles a puppy dog more than a human teenager.

“It’s just Bella.” I say, forcing a smile as much as I have physically force myself to look at Jacob. In the distance, I can see what must be his friends pushing each other around and play-wrestling. They all share Jacob’s dark hair and brown skin tone.

“Ah. Sorry.” For what it’s worth, he does look apologetic. “Why aren’t you out there with your friends?”

I chuckle a bit. “Dude, I like my water to be above zero degrees and not coated with a thin layer of ice.” Jacob laughs too. “That’s what wetsuits are f-” He stops himself, pauses for a moment, and I watch as the lightbulb goes off in his head. Bracing myself for impact, he continues.

“You haven’t told them. Have you?” He whispers a little like it’s possible for someone to hear despite being dozens of feet away from anyone.

“It’s none of their business.” I state firmly.

“Yeah but… They’re your friends.”

Under most circumstances, I would be angry at Jacob for probing about something so personal. The thing is, I’ve had this exact same conversation with myself time and time again. Both in Forks and in Arizona. It helps that, despite the discomfort of the situation, I can see that he means well. At least, I have to hold out hope that he does because I’d rather avoid an argument.

So, I shrug. “If I knew it wouldn’t change anything then I’d tell them in a heartbeat. I’d tell everyone. But it so doesn’t work like that.”

There’s nothing but silence as my shoulders drop and I stare out towards the horizon. I’m chewing on my bottom lip. Jacob reaches out and slowly rubs my back. It should be pushing my boundaries but his hand is so warm that it’s hard to do anything except relax.

“For what it’s worth…” Jacob stumbles a bit. “I mean, I don’t care. I think it’s cool.”

I laugh again. This time it’s more boisterous, almost maniacal. “Cool? How on Earth is it cool?”

There’s silence again as Jacob thinks. It’s actually kind of adorable watching the cogs turn in his head. If you’ve ever taught a toddler something new and you’ve watched as their entire worldview has shifted; it’s kinda like that.

“Because… you’re being who you want to be. The easy thing would be to hide and pretend that you’re somebody else. You wake up everyday holding onto this… this secret that could totally fuck up your life if it got out and you don’t care. You keep going forward. Being you.” He chuckles. Jacob chuckles a lot. “Bells, you’re kinda badass.”

I turn away, blushing. I’m not use to blushing and I’m especially not used to boys making me blush. This might actually be a first. I never expected Jacob Black, of all people, to make me blush.

“You’re also really cute.” He laughs. His back straightens, his smile widens. Pride is not an attractive look on him. “Has anyone told you that?”

Jessica’s screams as she falls into the water again. I look down at the scoreboard and mark another line in the “A + E” column.

I shake my head. “Never.”

“Well, they should.” He smiles and I try to smile back.

We sit there together watching the tag-team wrestling match between my friends as I try to process that conversation. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been too harsh on Jacob. Maybe I’ve mistaken ignorance for curiosity?

“I heard about the truck. It sucks bad. I’m glad you’re okay though.” I’m not sure if he’s trying to move on from calling me cute or being genuinely interested in my life. Maybe it’s both.

“Yeah. Wish it wasn’t completely ruined though.” I give Jacob an apologetic look. “I know you put a lot of effort into it. I’m really sorry.”

He shrugs his shoulders and tells me, “It’s whatever.” A statement that convinces nobody. It leads to a lull in the conversation for several moments; something that seems to make Jacob uncomfortable as he’s already asking another question.

“How’s school been? Nobody giving you trouble?” I glance over at Jacob. He’s tracing circles in the sand as he watches the water wrestling.

“What if someone has? Will you beat them up for me?” I smirk.

“That depends.” He says with a grin. I turn to look at him. “On what?”

“How big he is.”

We both laugh together. The sound is actually kind of nice; harmonious. “Why’s it gotta be a boy? Can’t I have trouble from a girl?”

Jacob waves his hand, palms facing me. “I don’t fight girls. The last thing I need is to be known as the guy who beats up girls.”

I shrug and mumble. “I don’t think she deserves to be beaten up anyway.”

Jacobs eyes darken and for once he doesn’t look remotely happy. It’s actually a little frightening. Only one word leaves his lips. “Who?”

Shaking my head, I respond. “You wouldn’t know her. It’s not like she’s been bullying me or anything she’s just been…”

“Bella.”

“Alice Cullen.”

Jacob rolls his eyes and purses his lips. He stares out into the ocean. I can feel the weight on his shoulders from here. “Figures.”

“You know her?” I ask, surprised. I’m leaning forward a little bit now, curious about what Jacob has to say.

“My Dad tells stories about the Cullens.” He’s looking at me now. There’s a seriousness in his face that I’ve never seen before. Gone is the jovial, playful banter that Jacob clings onto. This is real. “Bella, please stay away from them. They’re dangerous.”

“Tell me? The stories.”

Jacob sighs. He stares out into the horizon once more, past my friends who have now settled down to enjoy the water; however possible that is. “We’re not allowed to tell outsiders.”

“Jake. Please?” I look at him with pleading eyes. He shakes his head, smirks, and gives in.

“Dad calls them The Cold Ones. Our tribe… We’re supposed to be descended from wolves. When our land is threatened we… Look, it’s just a story but Dad says our people can transform into wolves.” Jacob rolls his eyes. He looks at me for a reaction but I give him nothing except my attention. Again, he sighs.

“The presence of The Cold Ones it… it sets off something in our blood. Something to do with a shared history - of battles we’ve had against them. A rivalry that’s so deeply ingrained in our blood that we can barely control it. Dad says it’s only a matter of time until they break our treaty and our people start changing again.” He explains.

“Treaty?”

“Yeah, the Cullens aren’t allowed on our land. We don’t attack them, they don’t attack us, and we don’t tell others who they really are.”

“And, who are they?” I ask. Jacob laughs. “I just said I can’t tell you that.”

I frown. “What if I ask really nicely?”

“You can try. They’re dumb stories anyway. Who would actually believe that they’re immortal?”

“They’re what?!” 

Jacob only winks.

He doesn’t hang around for much longer. He seems quite happy leaving me totally fucking bewildered by this. I’m half-tempted to chase after him but I’d rather die than actually chase after a boy like a hopelessly stupid, teenage girl. I like to think that I have higher standards than that.

There’s also the desire to not look like a complete dweeb in front of my friends. Chasing after a boy isn’t exactly the best way to achieve that. Especially since they’re looking directly at me as they come out of the water Baywatch style.

No, seriously, they’re pretending like they’re in slow-motion like total dorks.

“Very sexy.” I tell them, standing up and brushing the sand from my bum. “Seriously, I’ve got crushes on all of you now. I won’t be happy unless we’re in some sort of love pentagon.”

There’s a handful of laughs. “Only if you promise not to leave us for your boy toy.”

I outwardly groan and we start walking back to the car. “He’s not like that. I knew Jacob as a kid. My Dad’s friends with his Dad so we spent time together when I visited in the summer.”

As we reach my friend’s cars, they start getting of out their wetsuits and drying themselves off with towels. Even as she’s wiggling out of the tight material Jessica still manages to swoon all over this supposed romance that I’m in. “That’s so cute! You’re in a rom-com! You’d be played by Zooey Deschanel and your boy toy would be…”

I lazily throw up my hands, blushing. “Can we stop calling Jacob my-”

“A buff Dave Franco?” Angela suggests. Jessica squees. “Yes!”

The conversation continues like this as my friends are preparing for the drive home. Each one takes turns trying to out embarrass me. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with Jacob. It’s hard to shake those first impressions but he’s growing on me. And, I guess he’s pretty handsome.

The topic naturally moves away from my love life, or lack thereof, when we cram into Eric’s car. I’m mostly quiet; thinking about what Jacob told me. It’s all that’s on my mind on the way home. Even as I’m telling them goodbye, thanking Eric for the ride, and walking into my front door I’m wondering if I can sneak by Charlie to get some alone time to research.

No such luck but our talk doesn’t last much longer than “hello, how was it?”.

When I finally get to lay down in my bed, I pull out my phone and google “cold ones” as quick as I can. Naturally, I’m brought to a website about Quileute legends. As I’m quickly reading through what little information they have the curiosity monster moans. Finally, it gets its feast.

You see, the Quileutes might call them The Cold Ones but the rest of the world has a much more common name for them.

Vampires.

As much as I don’t want to shit on anyone’s beliefs, it’s difficult to take this seriously. How would anyone else react to being told that vampires are real? They’d laugh, feign interest, or run away from the crazy person. Yet the more I think about it the more the pieces lock into place.

Alice’s cold touch, her inability to be near me when I’m anxious or stressed, the Cullen’s fortune, their supernatural good looks, and the fact that I’ve never ever seen them in sunlight.

Okay, that last one could just be a coincidence.

But it still doesn’t stop me from shooting up in bed and quietly screaming through a huge smile. I launch onto my feet, jumping on my bed, as I completely lose myself. “Vampires!” I say out loud. Quiet enough that Charlie won’t be able to hear. “Fucking. Vampires.”

Vampires.

Creatures that feed off human blood.

I sit down on the bed and let the realization simmer. It doesn’t take much to picture Edward, eyes frenzied, blood covering his mouth and dripping down his chin as he feeds off an innocent human. Maybe that’s my bias speaking. It is much easier to hate someone than reconcile the reasons why they detest you.

Alice, however, couldn’t drink blood. Could she? Again, maybe it’s my incessant crush clouding my judgement but even with all the shit she’s thrown my way over the past month it’s just seems impossible. Carlisle doesn’t make sense either. He’s a well respected doctor; at least from what Charlie’s told me. Sure, he could be stealing blood from the hospital there’s no way he’d not get noticed. Could he even take enough to feed his entire family?

His family of vampires.

How the fuck am I even considering this? It’s vampires! Am I really entertaining the thought that Alice and her family live in coffins and can turn into bats?

And, for that matter, where does the legend end? Are werewolves actually real too? What about witches and mummies? Does Bigfoot hang out with the Loch Ness monster?! Sure, they have parties every Friday and they invite all the mermaids and yetis and fucking unicorns in Scotland. They have a big rave and everyone gets blitzed.

Fuck this, I’m gonna calm down and then ask Charlie what we’re having for dinner and hope beyond hope that it’s not takeaway again. I never thought I’d say this but there’s only so many times you can have pizza before you want something different. That might actually be more worldshattering than vampires existing.

~~~

Over the next few weeks Charlie takes me to school in his police cruiser. We share the ride in silence not out of discomfort or a lack of things to talk about. It’s simply too early in the morning to bother with something as trivial as small talk and Charlie, for all the positive traits he possesses, does not even come close to resembling a morning person. 

I, on the other hand, am a deceptive morning person. When I stay up late, and I often do, it’s not out of my own volition. It’s certainly not time that is used wisely. When I get up in the morning it’s with bags underneath my eyes and an expressionless face however I have no problem getting up the moment my alarm rings that awful, bone chilling tune. As long as I get my shower then I’ll be fine for the rest of the day. The occasional crash of energy notwithstanding.

The lack of a car is imprisoning. Having to rely on others for transport is belittling. It wasn’t an issue in Phoenix because we had a serviceable public transit system but here it’s practically nonexistent. Walking wouldn’t be much of an issue if it didn’t rain most days of the year. The days that it doesn’t the ground still manages to be an awful sludge of viscous mud that sticks to anything it can get its grubby paws on.

Waiting for other people to be ready to leave, or waiting for their car to arrive, saps your energy in subtle ways. It absolutely destroys your flow. It’s like pausing a song right after the intro and waiting ten whole minutes because the song can’t find his missing sock or because the song needs to wait for the coffee to brew.

“Why don’t you let me give you a ride to school?” Alice pipes up. One of the other downsides to not having my truck is that I no longer have a safe haven during my free periods. That wouldn’t be so bad if Alice Cullen didn’t have a bad habit of finding me no matter where I am. Which, again, wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t so certain that Alice Cullen is a vampire.

It’s not to say that I don’t enjoy her company. I really, really do. I’ve even been briefly introduced to her boyfriend who is seriously charming. That’s saying something considering Alice can make my heart flutter with little more than a coy smirk.

The problem is that no matter how hard I try to tell myself that vampires can’t exist and that it’s all just merely legend I can’t deny that the evidence has stacked up. Alice’s touch is much colder than your average person, the Cullens are absent whenever the Sun is even remotely out, they’re breathtakingly gorgeous, stick almost entirely to their family, and they’re all adopted. I’ve even heard others describe them as being ripped out of time. Some of their mannerisms, the way they hold themselves and talk, does come across like they’re acting in a period drama.

Alice’s question hangs in the air. “It’s alright. It’s on the way to Charlie’s work anyway.” I keep myself focused on math. Even in the middle of figuring out an equation Alice stops me and corrects my small mistake with her nauseatingly pink pencil.

“Isabella, do you take me for a fool? The police station is on the direct opposite side of Forks.” I blush a little bit having being caught in a lie. I catch Alice’s toothy smile out of the corner of my eye and pretend to ignore it. Why does knowing that she could kill me with her bare hands make her more attractive? “If you don’t want me to you can just say so, silly girl. It’s no harm.”

“Sorry.” I meekly mumble. There’s a brief pause as I move onto the next question in my textbook. It’s difficult to focus because I can predict exactly what Alice is about to say.

“Do you have another clever, well-thought out reason as to why you can’t spend one measly night at my house for a sleepover?” She’s pouting, batting her eyelashes, and being altogether adorable. It’s truly sickening. She’s been asking me to have a slumber party at her “house” for days now. Ever since I let it slip that I’ve never been to one. Every time I’ve danced around the topic but I haven’t exactly rejected her because I don’t have a good reason.

But a good reason isn’t needed. How about not wanting to step into a vampire’s lair? Or maybe being surrounded by an entire coven might suffice? I’d rather not have Edward Cullen’s dumb hair be the last thing I see before I die. Alice shackling me up in her dungeon though…

I wish there was some way that I could prove her vampire status. Despite all the evidence I’ve collected it’s entirely conjecture: it can’t stand up to the simple statement “vampires don’t exist”. And, look, I’m not trying to be some vampire hunter or one of those terrible paranormal television shows but it would put my mind at ease if I just knew.

It’s not like I could ask her. She would deny it. Who wouldn’t? I don’t even care about getting recorded proof. All I want is my own peace of mind to know that I either am or am not going completely insane.

The question that I’m about to ask probably isn’t a good anecdote for disproving the latter.

“Why don’t we have the sleepover at my place?”


	7. The Worst Idea I’ve Ever Had

Alice tried to weasel her way out of my suggestion through kindness. Explaining that it would be easier to host at her place and that she already had plans. I put my foot down. If we’re going to do this it’s going to be on my terms and where I feel safest. She might not have understood why I was so adamant but it didn’t take long for her to relent and accept my proposal.

That gave me three days to prepare.

Most girls prepare for sleepovers by buying snacks, renting movies, and wondering whether they’re going to order Chinese or pizza. I had different ideas in mind. Namely, how do I vampire proof my house without making it way too obvious?

The way I see it, there’s a very slim chance that Alice will harm me in any way. Charlie’s pretty well known around town and having his daughter attacked or, heaven forbid, murdered by another girl would incite a riot. Unless the Cullens want to become wanted criminals I think that leaves me relatively safe. There’s also the small fact that none of the Cullens have attacked me. They’ve had plenty of chances to do so and I’m still alive, still breathing, and still living in this miserable town.

Besides, I have no desire to hurt Alice. I just need validation. Any proof that she’s what I think she is will make me happy. Scared but happy.

Once I told Charlie the good news he was excited for me. “Alice? Cullen?” He asked me with a bewildered expression on his face. “I didn’t know you two were friends.”

Apparently, it didn’t cross his mind that his not-straight daughter being home alone with another girl might lead to something because he immediately offered to remove himself from the house that Friday night. He made plans to stay at Billy Black’s place so they could go fishing bright and early in the morning. I would feel more comfortable with him hanging around but I don’t think there’s any way I could convince him to babysit me.

That leaves me all on my lonesome. I would be worried if I didn’t have several defences. For one, our living room already has a cross stuck to the wall. I don’t think Charlie is that religious but it’s there nonetheless. It’ll be interesting to see if Alice has any reaction to it.

Next, I’ve got some garlic stored away in our pantry. I’m not exactly sure how potent it’ll be but I’ve got several cloves tucked away in there if I need them. There’s also a sneaky trick that I’ve got planned after Alice arrives. It’ll be another litmus test similar to the cross.

Lastly, I’ve got a stake tucked away in one of our end tables. I don’t suspect that I’ll have to use it but I feel safer knowing it’s there. All I had to do was walk into the forest and whittle down a branch into a point. Not exactly my finest moment. It’ll serve its purpose if Alice tries to get bitey.

I realise that all of these precautions come directly out of fictional stories but they’ve all I’ve got. Jake’s legend doesn’t seem to stray too far away from the likes of Dracula. The evidence that I’ve collected so far points in that direction too. So, if the Cullens avoid the sunlight, are pale, and lukewarm to the touch then what’s stopping them from being weak to garlic or a holy cross? Sure, it’s silly but I’m dealing with actual vampires here. Vampires that are real. Everything about that is silly.

Charlie picks me up from school on Friday afternoon and leaves for Billy’s place not long after we’ve arrived home. There’s an uncomfortable silence as I wait for Alice to arrive. My phone’s stuffed into the pocket of my pajama pants and I’ve already got 911 dialed in preparation for the worst. Much like the stake, it’s something I hope I won’t have to use. The thought of Alice baring her teeth and sinking them into my neck seems impossible but so does the existence of vampires.

There’s a loud knocking on the front door half an hour earlier than I expected it. The unexpected noise causes my body to flinch. My heart’s pounding as I approach. It’s just a sleepover. A sleepover with my new vampire friend. Nothing to worry about in the slightest. Except for being used as a juice box and left for dead.

The door swings open. It’s not Alice standing on my doorstep but rather a nervous looking Jacob Black. Behind him is a rumbling sedan being driven by a man that I don’t recognise. His skin and hair bear a resemblance to Jacob’s. It’s possible he was with him at La Push but I can’t say for certain.

“Sorry, Bella… I…” Jacob’s arms are folded. His eyes avoid mine.

“What are you doing here?” I ask. There’s concern in my voice. “Is Charlie okay?”

“What? Yeah! Of course. Uh, my Dad sent me. He heard about what you’re doing tonight.” There’s a pause as I process what this means. Jacob doesn’t seem entirely comfortable being here. For once, I’m agreeing with how he’s feeling.

“Look, just call it off. It’s not safe to be alone with her. You know why.” His eyes finally meet mine. It’s clear to see that he’s serious. His brow is furrowed, his shoulders square, and he readjusts his tightly folded arms.

“Alice is my friend. And besides, you told me yourself those are just stories.” I stand my ground. I’m not sure I believe myself. Jacob surely doesn’t. I’m not sure why I’m insisting I have a sleepover with a vampire either. Jacob shares my confusion.

He sighs. “Bella. Call her up. Tell her you’re sick. You’re not sa-”

“No.”

The uncomfortable silence I was feeling before returns. Jacob stares me down. He’s not much taller than me but he’s much, much wider. Puberty will hit him like a ton of bricks but for now he’s nothing but a little kid trying to be scary. I’d be more intimidated by a tiny, yapping dog.

“Bella.” He repeats. His body is unwavering as is his stance.

My hand firmly grasps the edge of the door. My nostrils flare and I stare daggers into his eyes. “Go back home, Jake. I don’t need a babysitter.”

He tries to get another word out but I close the door in his face. Fist meets wood as Jacob pounds on the door, yelling at me to open up. Eventually, he relents and lets out a loud groan. I hear his footsteps getting quieter and the rumbling from his friend’s car slowly fades away.

The severity of the danger I’m potentially putting myself burrows into my skull. It doesn’t even begin to match my yearning curiosity nor my desire to spend a single night alone with Alice.

The second knocking on my door tonight doesn’t make me jump nearly as much as the first. It’s right on 5PM, exactly like we planned, and when I open the door there’s a small woman with a tote bag over her shoulder. Her smile is wide, toothy, and absolutely infectious. Almost all of my worries for the night escape my mind as leans forward and quickly kisses my cheek. “Bonjour cher ami!” Alice sings. I reply with a confused but friendly “Oui”.

Alice steps into my house with all the inquisitiveness of a toddler. Her gaze scans everything from the dinky kitchen to the scrappy living room. The door closes behind me. She obviously didn’t need to be invited inside. I follow her.

“It’s cosy…” She muses out loud. I’m unsure if it’s a compliment or a criticism. Yet I can’t help but chuckle to myself. Alice continues voicing her thoughts without a care. “I think it needs more of a woman’s touch, no? Just a little something here and there. Cushions, some art, less dust in the kitchen… You should take Charlie shopping. Do neither of you cook?”

It’s difficult not to smile at Alice’s affirmation. That slight validation of my gender goes a long way even if she’s not intentional in her words. I’ve only been living as myself for several weeks so I still get giddy at these little things.

I step further into the house with Alice and guide her to the living room. “I do. Charlie is hopeless. I only did a little bit here and there in Arizona but I’m learning.” Alice takes a seat on the couch, gracefully smoothing out the back of her skirt, and sets her bag down. “But you’re sharing the workload?”

My fingers find their way through my hair as I nibble on the bottom of my lip. “He orders takeout sometimes?”

I make a squeaky little noise as the back of Alice’s hand wallops my arm. “Bella! You are his daughter, not his maid. If you do not push him then he will assume no fault. It’s how men have been for centuries!”

I giggle some more as I rub my sore arm. That’s definitely a check in the super strength column. For a small girl she packs a huge punch. “Oh dear! Did I hurt you?” The expression on her face quickly turns to that of concern. I shake my head and quickly reassure her. “No, no. It’s fine. I’m a wuss.”

My hand moves away from the sore spot to reveal a red mark and signs of a bruise fading in. “Shit! I’m sorry. I don’t know my own strength!”

Alice’s hands cover her mouth. I smile in return. She’s adorable. Even more adorable when she curses. Truly the cutest bloodthirsty monster that I’ve ever seen. Why did they make Dracula some old, rotting dude when they could have had a tiny, beautiful woman instead? I bet that would kill with the gay demographic. It’s definitely doing a fine job with the Isabella Swan, gay disaster, demographic.

That does remind me that she’s shown no reaction to the cross on the wall. She hasn’t even noticed it. It’s disappointing but at the same time I’m glad I didn’t go to all the effort it would have taken to get holy water.

“It’s alright.” I laugh it off even though I’m becoming more wary. My suspicions are slowly getting confirmed while simultaneously my belief that Alice won’t hurt me grows. There’s a chance that this is all an act to have me lower my defences but if you’re a super strong vampire why wouldn’t you take what you want?

Alice reaches into her tote bag and pulls out a handful of DVDs which she then lays out on the coffee table. There’s horror movies and romcoms. The latter of which seems very Alice. The former though? I pick up one and take a look at the back.

“Creep? I wouldn’t have guessed you’d be into this stuff.” I muse. Alice smiles. “Jasper picked those out for me. I’m told that horror movies are a sleepover staple? Not really my thing but eh.” She adorably shrugs.

Jaspers name alone is enough to sullen my mood but I don’t let it show. Another DVD Alice has lifts my spirits immediately. It’s a cover of four people. Two women are secretly holding each other’s hands behind the backs of their male partners. “This looks… Gay.” I laugh.

Alice’s face is adorned with a cheeky grin. She looks into my eyes. “It’s one of my favourites.” Her voice is quiet. Her tone is more intoxicating than usual.

I’m clearly imagining it.

We settle in on the couch once I put the movie in Charlie’s old DVD player. I’m not exaggerating when I say the thing has literally been collecting dust.

A few seconds after I sit down, a few seconds after the movie has started, Alice wriggles closer to me. We’re not touching but it’s close. What I should be feeling is the warmth of her body and yet there’s nothing. My knee barely touches her own, holding it there for a moment, and Alice doesn’t move. Or rather she does but it takes a minute or two for her to do it.

It’s pretty obvious that either Alice has some sort of condition that makes her body cool to the touch or that she’s absent of anything that would produce body heat. A pulse, for example. She’s not exactly cold but lukewarm.

There’s moments of small talk interrupted by poking fun at the movie. Alice giggles in the most adorable way whenever I shout at the screen, yelling for the two female leads to kiss. She covers her mouth whenever she truly laughs hard like she’s embarrassed at enjoying herself so much.

As we approach the third act I feel my tummy rumbling. “Do you mind if I make dinner early?” Alice meets my gaze with a soft expression. I don’t even need a second guess to predict what she’s about to say.

“Oh! I ate before I arrived. Please, eat without me.” Another point for the vampire column.

“Are you sure? I was going to make pasta. I swear I’m a good cook.” Alice still shakes her head and refuses with some poor excuse about being vegetarian.

Nevertheless, I do make pasta by my lonesome. Alice is more than happy to hang around my kitchen even as I’m chopping up and frying garlic. I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake in trusting obviously fictional stories for my vampire knowledge. She shows no adverse reaction whatsoever. At one point she does excuse herself to get changed into her pajamas only to return in what appears to be nothing but an oversized t-shirt.

I freeze. The pasta simmers behind me on the stove. My eyes travel along the length of her pale, slender thighs. It takes much longer than I expect to finally reach the hem of her shirt-dress. Alice wears it almost as well as her cheeky smirk. It’s a smirk that doesn’t disappear even as she sits down at Charlie’s small, round dining table. Her elbow rests on the wooden surface while her chin sits neatly on the edge of her dainty palm.

“Do you miss Arizona?” Alice asks - quite bluntly too.

My own palms rest on the edge of the counter as I keep watch on my dinner out of the corner of my eye. The sound of it simmering on the stovetop adds beautiful ambient music to our conversation.

“Not really, why?” I respond. Alice exhales quickly. The sound of air rushing out of her nose is audible even from this distance.

“You spent seventeen years there, no? Do you not have any connection, any feelings, towards it?”

My fingers run through my hair. I stare briefly at the carpet as I try to think of a diplomatic response; one that doesn’t include prying questions about why I left. “It’s a beautiful place, I suppose. If you’re not bothered by the heat.”

“That’s it?” Alice’s smirk turns into a sour frown. “No friends or family? No exciting memories?”

“I… Stuck to myself, mostly. I had friends but by the time I got to high school they’d all drifted in different directions.” There’s more to it that I want to explain. We drifted because I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t happy so I didn’t put in the effort. It was easier to be alone than pretend to be someone else. I miss those people but even now that I’m able to be the authentic version of myself the ship has long since sailed.

Alice doesn’t say much. I don’t blame her. What do you say to that sob story? Regardless, I plate up my food and we get back to watching the movie.

One movie turns into two then three. By the start of the fourth one I’m curled up on the couch with a blanket over me and Alice is laying down on her blow-up mattress in a pose that is more seductive than it has any right to be. It’s taking every ounce of willpower that I have to not fall asleep at a pitiful 2AM. Pitiful from sleepover standards, at least.

Every part of my body is telling me to give in and yet I know that falling asleep next to a vampire is about the stupidest thing you can do.

One moment I’m trying my hardest to focus on the assaulting glow of the television screen and the next moment I’m squinting at the natural light invading the living room. Of course, it’s not actual sunshine. Just Fork’s muted version of daytime. I blink a couple times. My gaze travels over to Alice who’s sitting in Charlie’s armchair, her knees pulled close to her chest, as she scrolls through her phone. I wriggle a little bit. My body is stiff. Sleeping on a couch is never a good idea.

Alice flicks her attention over to me. Her smile greets me more pleasantly than anything else this morning. “Good morning, sleepy head.” She whispers, barely audible through the white noise of the outdoors.

My body jerks awake. I sit up. My hands reach for both sides of my neck. I kick off the blanket and scan my wrists. There’s no blood, no scars, nothing. I’m safe.

“Bella?” Alice’s eyes speak concern. “What’s wrong?”

Thinking quickly, I answer. “Nightmare.”

Her brow furrows. “You’re lying.” I breathe in sharply. “What’s wrong?” Alice repeats herself. Her eyes are darting in every direction as she analyzes my body like a machine.

Alice doesn’t want to hurt me. There’s been dozens of opportunities and she’s taken none of them. I know she’s a vampire. There’s no better explanation short of a combination of medical issues. Somehow, that seems less likely.

Something changes. Her expression shifts. For the first time, I see panic in her eyes.

I’m going to tell her. I hate confrontation but this is necessary. I need my proof.

“Bella, wait-”

My accusation cuts her off. “You’re a vampire.”


	8. Reconciliation

Those words hang in the air. I wait for Alice’s response. The motions I need to take to grab the stake play over and over in my mind. Reach behind me, open the drawer of the end table, thrust the glorified stick at her heart. I’m not sure if I’ll be quick enough or if I even have it in me to willfully hurt another person but what other choice do I have?

Alice’s words finally come. She speaks carefully, almost mocking in her tone. “Why on Earth would you think that? Vampires don’t exist, Bella.”

“Your body is colder than it has any right to be. I’ve never seen you or your family in the sun. You all have deathly pale skin. You’re -” I keep listing all the evidence I’ve collected. Every last scrap of information is laid out on the table in the hopes that I’ll get the confession that my curiosity craves. Alice’s face is unusually expressionless and I can only imagine it’s because she’s keeping her cards close to her chest. However, the more I talk the more I can see her concern.

My heart’s throbbing in my chest. Adrenaline pumps through my body. I’m not scared. It’s Alice, she’d never hurt me. Yet no matter how much I tell myself that there’s always a creeping thought in the back of my head asking me “are you sure?”.

“How did you…?” Alice lets the question get away from her. It’s not an outright admission but it’s enough to make my heart rate jump. Being right has never been so fucking terrifying.

I’m not sure I can tell her about Jacob without getting into serious trouble so I deliver her a half-truth. “Your family isn’t exactly normal. I just… Started piecing things together.”

The lie sits in my stomach like a stone and yet Alice seems to accept it for what it is. At least, if she can tell that I’m lying then she doesn’t make it known.

“Bella…” She breathes softly. She stands. I flinch. The hurt in her eyes cuts so deeply that I can practically feel the agonizing, throbbing wound that it leaves in my chest. Slowly and deliberately, she takes the opposite end of the couch and lets her eyes wander away from mine while her fingers fiddle with one another in her lap. I would never hurt you, Bella, I promise. My family isn’t like that. We’re not what you think we are.”

I chew on the insides of my cheeks for the smallest amount of relief. The tension in the air and in my shoulders is beyond uncomfortable to the point of even moving my body the tiniest bit saps away my energy. “I believe you. But…”

“But?”

I exhale deeply. “I don’t really have a choice, do I? Even if you wanted to hurt me, could I do anything about it?”

Alice turns to me and slowly, very slowly, reaches forward to take her hand in mine. My eyes are locked to hers out of self-preservation. They’re trembling as much as any other part of me. Alice places her other hand over mine and her voice, barely a whisper, speaks cautiously.

“Je me soucie trop de toi, ma chérie. Do you remember what I said the first time we spoke in the library?”

I shake my head as her French wooshes over the top of my head. “My memory’s really bad.”

Alice giggles quietly. The smile that grows on her face soothes me somewhat. “I told you that we were going to have an amazing friendship. I still want that for us but only if you want it too. I promise that I’m still the same person that I always was but you need to choose if you believe me.”

I’m trying not to panic. Maybe it’s my predisposition to panic attacks or maybe it’s that I’m inches away from an actual vampire. Either way, I’m failing terribly at my goal. Alice gently holds my hand while her thumb softly caresses my own. “You don’t have to answer right away. Breathe deeply. Breathe slowly, my darling.”

I close my eyes and follow Alice’s instructions like I know I should. It’s difficult to get my heart rate down when the woman, and literal vampire, I’ve been crushing on for several weeks is so close. I can smell her perfume as her cool hands simmer down my raging body temperature. All the while, I’m trying not to be completely embarrassed by my body’s chaotic sweat response to even the slightest bit of anxiety.

“Do you drink blood?” I ask. My voice isn’t the most stable and my eyes are still closed but it’s something that I think I ought to know right now. I like to know if my friends are going to take a bite out of me whenever they get hungry. Maybe that’s just a Bella thing.

“Yes. Only from animals. My family doesn’t drink from humans.” Her calm voice responds.

My eyebrows raise. “But other vampires do?”

“Mhm.” She responds like I’m asking her if her favourite flavour of ice-cream is chocolate. I hear the sound of Alice moving and my eyes immediately dart open. “I’m getting comfortable. Nothing to worry about.”

I nod, chewing on my bottom lip, and let my eyes close again. We’re both sitting with our legs crossed; knees touching. Time passes effortlessly as Alice continues to gently caress my hand with her tiny, delicate fingers.

There’s one thing that doesn’t add up. Despite everything I know there’s a tiny bit of information that doesn’t neatly fit into the rest. I want to ask it but I’m not sure how.

“You’re not going to like the answer.” Alice frowns. I open my eyes to meet her own.

“What?”

“The question you’re going to ask. You won’t like the answer.” Alice repeats herself. I don’t even know where to begin with what she’s saying. As I stay silent, trying to figure her out, she sighs and presses forward.

“Animal blood doesn’t quite satisfy us. It leaves us wanting. An untrained vampire won’t be able to control themselves around living people if they only feed on animals. The need becomes too much. That’s why most vampires don’t follow our way of life.” She carefully explains. It doesn’t help one bit. A neverending chill rolls up and down my spine. Goosebumps are trickling all over my arms which is definitely a first for me.

Alice nibbles on her lip, adorably I might add. I persevere and ask the natural follow-up. “How do you…?”

“Decades of training. It took Carlisle centuries to get where he is and even he’s not completely immune.” 

I swallow the massive bundle of nerves that’s collected in my throat. “Centuries?”

Alice continues on like I didn’t say anything. “Every living human gives off their own scent. Some are more desirable than others. Yours Bella…” She stops for a moment to squeeze my hands. My heart is galloping right now. All that work Alice did to calm me down is undone with a couple sentences. The concern written all over her face continues to grow but I both think we know that if she stopped it would only leave me completely and utterly terrified.

“For one reason or another, you’re almost irresistible. My brother wasn’t prepared. When he told us about you I naively, stupidly, thought I could handle it better and I was very, very wrong. It was even worse knowing that every lesson we spent together made you think that I hated you.” I can see that Alice’s feelings are genuine. It doesn’t make me feel any better. 

Her voice picks up speed. There’s a touch of panic in her golden eyes. I’ve never seen such a thing from her and it hurts as much as it worries me. “As… As soon as I started to get accustomed to your presence I tried my best to fix our friendship! I swear!”

No matter how much I tell myself that I accept her for who she is and that I’m okay with the whole vampire thing, I can’t quite become comfortable. You’d think that after “knowing” for so long that I’d be cool with it. I wish more than anything that I could say it doesn’t change things but it does. There’s no denying that.

How am I supposed to be friends with someone knowing that they thirst for my blood? One slip up on Alice’s part and her teeth could be sinking into my neck for all the wrong reasons.

I think for a moment. The words aren’t coming as easily as I’d like. Whether that’s because I’m a nervous wreck right now or because I’m completely out of my depth when it comes to dealing with humans let alone (centuries old?) vampires. Regardless, I know what’s best for me which might not be what’s best for Alice. Slowly, I voice my thoughts.

“I still want to be friends.” I resist the urge to add an “I think” to the end of that. Alice’s eyes light up. I smile happily at first and then apologetically soon after. “I need time to work through this. Give me, like, a week or two.”

“Alone?” She quietly asks.

I pause. Slowly, painfully, I nod.

It doesn’t take long for Alice to gather her things and leave. Every second of it hurts knowing that she’s tried to be so good to me and I can’t give her this. I have to remind myself that I’m being completely reasonable. I wish it helped.

Charlie returns home a bit after midday. He asks how things went and seems fully satisfied when I tell him that we watched girly movies and ate the pasta that I made. He’s even more excited when I let him know that there’s leftovers in the fridge. In turn, I ask how his fishing trip went and he regales me with the stories of the fish him and Billy caught together. It’s no Moby Dick but he’s happy and that makes me happy too.

The next few days at school are odd. Alice and I exchange polite smiles when we pass each other by in the hallways but that’s it. Biology is hella awkward with our small talk being mostly kept to pleasantries and the work that we do together. My free periods in the library are especially lonely without my usual tutor by my side.

I’m able to cope pretty well because of my friends. I think Jess and Angela pick up on my sour mood because they’re more attentive than usual. Angela is playfully flirty in her own funny way while Jess tries her best to not seem awkwardly heterosexual when talking about girls I might like. Things get a bit stressful when she starts poking into my awkwardly short romantic history and I’ve got to change a few details here and there to make it seem like the one kiss and few dates that I’ve been on were sapphic in nature.

Mike and Eric help by being teenage boys. That usually involves one, or both, of them shouting “Watch this!” followed by something colossally stupid happening. Like when Mike sang “fuck this shit, I’m out!” before jumping butt first into a trash can. A trash can that had, you know, trash in it. Trash that went all over the floor and all over Mike. He told me the detention was “totally worth it” but I’m not entirely sure if was concussed or not when he said that.

When Charlie picks me up on an overcast Thursday afternoon he delivers news that doesn’t exactly raise my spirits.

“Do I have to go?” I groan. My whining isn’t mature or attractive but it sure as hell feels good. I’m staring out the window as Charlie frowns.

“It’s one night, Bells. What have you got against dinner with the Blacks anyway?”

That’s a fucking loaded question if I’ve ever heard one.

My feet kick up on the dashboard only for Charlie to immediately tell me to get them off. I let out another sigh. “Billy’s cool. Jacob is… The dude’s weird. One day he’ll be charming and funny and the next he’s…” I audibly shiver. “He’s one part puppy dog and two parts pigheaded.”

Charlie laughs. I give him a look. “So, you’re saying he’s a teenage boy?”

“That doesn’t excuse it.” I say flatly.

There’s a nod from Charlie. “Maybe not. Have you tried talking to him about it?”

Shrinking in my seat, I let out a little squeak. “No.”

Charlie laughs again - a little louder this time. “Bells, let me tell you something that took me thirty odd years, a gorgeous daughter, and a ugly divorce to figure out: if you got a problem with someone, talk it out.”

There’s a minute or two of nothing but the sound of the cruiser’s engine before I speak up. “Hey Charlie?”

“Yeah Bells?”

“You’re a smart guy.” I smile.

“Wait, say that again, I wanna record it this time.” He smirks wider than I’ve ever seen before. It’s almost obnoxious. All I can do is laugh happily. After all, I’m really, really lucky to have him.

We show up at the Black’s place on Friday afternoon. The low Sun coats the cloudy skin in a miasma of pinks and oranges. It’s one of the few days that the Sun has actually graced us with its presence and although I never thought I’d say this when I was living in Arizona: I actually miss the Sun.

The Black’s house is a bit bigger than Charlie’s place but that isn’t difficult. The most noticeable difference is the sheer amount of space surrounding it. There’s a massive front lawn and backyard. A sizeable garage sits in the back although it’s more like a typical barn than your average garage.

Billy and Jacob both live by themselves so it’s not much of a shock when Billy answers our knock on the door. He smiles up at me but I can see something more in his eyes. It’s reminder that he’s the one that sent Jacob to interrupt my sleepover with Alice. Jacob was merely the messenger. 

“Howdy Swans. It’s nice to see you again, Bella.” I purse my lips into an awkward smile and say hello.

“Jacob’s ‘round back fixin’ a couple dirt bikes if you wanna see him.” I nod a little and take his advice. I’m not exactly sure that he’s the lesser of two evils. I figure that Charlie would prefer to be alone with Billy anyway. He doesn’t need his daughter cramping his style or whatever he has to make up for his lack of style.

True to his word, I find Jacob inside of his garage, kneeling beside a rusty looking dirt bike with some mechanical tool in his hands. He has his long hair tied up into a surprisingly neat bun and his hands are covered in what I hope is grease. I lean my body against the frame of the garage door with my hands in my pockets. All I can muster up is an apologetic “hey”. Jacob responds in kind.

“I… Uh… Wanted to apologise for the other day.” My fingers travel through my messy hair. Like Jacob, mine’s worn up in a ponytail because I’ve been too lazy to wash it. “I know you meant well and you had my best interests in heart. I’ve never had someone try to protect me before. It’s really sweet.”

I wait for a Jacob to say something. He keeps working on his bike and gives me nothing except an uncomfortable silence.

“I was stressed and anxious and… I should have handled it better. I’m sorry.” Jacob smiles and stands up. Seeing him without a hoodie on shows me that he’s actually kind of fit. Dude’s much more muscular than I would have given him credit for. As he’s cleaning off his hands with a towel, my attention drops to his forearms. His toned, well-defined forearms.

“I appreciate it, Bells. Thank you.” He steps around from behind the bike and slowly approaches me only to stop when I interrupt him. My eyes meet his own again. My brow is lowered slightly. “I’m not finished.”

“I get that you were trying to protect me but that doesn’t mean you get to order me around. What I did was stupid, I get that. It turned out really well. Alice and I had a nice time together. She’s not dangerous.” I explain. It’s so fucking obvious that Jacob doesn’t believe me one bit however he doesn’t say a thing. He nods. “Fair.”

My attention wanders over to the beat-up bikes. There’s a desperate need inside of me to change the topic from this awkward apology to something less heavy. So, I speak the first thing that comes to mind.

“Dude, can you actually ride those?” I ask. Jacob’s smirk grows. I swear he’s flexing a little bit.

“Once they’re fixed, yeah. Could you?”

I laugh. “Does GTA count?”

He raises his eyebrows. I give him a confused look in response. “Damn Bells. That’s pretty hot.”

“God, you’re such a teenage boy.” I chuckle. He laughs too although there’s a hint of nervousness mixed in there. Folding his arms, Jake returns to his usual coy, puppy dog smile. “I could teach you?”


	9. Friends?

Much to my own surprise, I took Jacob up on his offer immediately. Never have I ever wanted to learn how to ride a motorbike or have I wanted to really spend time with Jacob. However, I figured that I should take a page out of Alice’s playbook: start things fresh. Jacob and I didn’t meet on the best terms. Maybe that clouded my judgement somewhat?

Charlie drops me off at Jacob’s house on Sunday morning. His face is stern on the entire trip. Barely a word is spoken. The passing trees and usually cloudy weather give it a solemn vibe that I’m a bit uncomfortable with. Things take a turn for the worse when we arrive. The car stops, Charlie turns the key in the ignition, and the engine dies. He turns his body halfway to face me with his hand resting on the shoulder of my seat.

“So, uh… If Jake gives you any trouble call me and I’ll pick you up early. And, um... You know, don’t let him pressure you into anything you don’t want to do.” Charlie swallows and nods like he’s agreeing with himself. I stare at him with a look that can only express one emotion: what the fuck are you talking about? Charlie quietly coughs to break the silence and continues with his train of thought.

“You know, if he wants to… Make a move.”

Another pregnant pause ensues. Charlie and I stare at each other. My face is blank and he’s awkwardly waiting for me respond. This time he doesn’t try to wriggle his way out of it by overexplaining.

“Okay, so I’m going to get out of the car and pretend you didn’t assume that I have a thing for a fifteen year old boy.” I cringe. Unbuckling my seat belt, Charlie stumbles out with a response. I’m too busy focusing on getting as far away from this situation as possible for it to register. I poke my head into the car one last time before closing the door. “You actually thought this was a date?” I laugh. “Goddamn Charlie.”

Ignoring that entire conversation is easy. Charlie drives off and I skip up the dirt driveway to Jacob’s garage. I pull the sleeves of my plaid shirt over my freezing hands as the cold wind sweeps through the trees. Friday’s sunshine was, as anyone could have guessed, short lived and now we’re back to the usual overcast clouds. At least it isn’t raining. Yet.

I knock on the frame of the garage door. Jacob’s head pops up from behind the motorbike like a fucking meerkat. His puppy dog eyes, pupil bulging and wide, finds me. His lips curl up from a serious line to a disarming smile. It’s impossible not to laugh a little. Jake’s completely oblivious to his entire world.

“Bells!” He smiles. “Just finished up! You’re right on time. But, uh, give me like half an hour for the finishing, finishing touches.”

We both laugh and I settle in on a small, upside down crate. The surface digs into my butt. I pretend not to care too much as Jacob keeps working.

We make small talk. I learn a lot more about Jake in twenty minutes than I have in any other interaction that I’ve had with him. I suppose that’s what happens when you make an effort. We talk about school and his friends but nothing that’s really too important. As I said, small talk. It turns out that he’s got a thing for ancient history but doesn’t really try in any of his other subjects. It’s a cool thing to learn about him. It’s not earth shattering by any means. It is enough to remind me that he’s human and not entirely the awful qualities that I assumed about him.

What’s important is that neither of us talk about the other day.

Jacob takes one of the bikes, something that I can only really describe as a blue dirt bike thing, and rolls it out of the garage and onto his driveway. He takes a hair tie from around his wrist and starts collecting his hair in his hands. 

“Grab a helmet.” He motions with his head to one resting on his workbench. With my hair already up, I take the thing and put it on. It fits snugly. Almost uncomfortably so. The foam inside the black casing squishes at my cheeks while the visor dulls the already dull light pushing through the clouds.

With his hair up in a bun, he pats the seat of the motorbike and smirks in a way that comes across as somewhat cheeky. “It’s pretty simple. Throttle, clutch, brake. Start slower than you think. The last thing you want to is race off and lose control.” He motions to each part of the motorbike as he lists them. My arms are folded. I nod along with his instructions. I’m a little bit more nervous than I thought I would be.

That only gets worse when I mount the bike. I grip the handlebars with both hands, knuckles white, and then I pause.

“How do I turn it on?” I blush as I ask. I’m glad the visor covers my stupidly embarrassed face. Jacob chuckles to himself. “Like this.”

In two swift movements, Jacob pushes the starter out of the way and forces the weight of his foot down on the kickstarter. He steadies himself against the bike the entire time. One hand on the handlebars while the other grips the back of the seat. It leaves him quite close to me.

The bike chugs to life and I do mean chug. Sitting on top of it I can feel every throb of the engine as it rattles underneath me. “Are you sure this is safe?” I yell.

Jacob, clearly oblivious to what I said, yells “go!”.

Not the best bit of advice I’ve ever had. He guides me with his hand on the back of my waist. I push the kickstand out of the way with a bit of help from Jacob and slowly turn the throttle. The bike starts to putt along and eventually I can steady myself when I pick up speed. It’s a bit embarrassing having Jacob run alongside me, hand never moving from that slightly uneasy position, as he shouts his words of encouragement. Some of them I actually manage to hear.

Two or three more trips up and down the driveway with Jake by my side, shouting words of encouragement through the rumbling noise, and I think I’ve got it. My upset stomach has calmed down somewhat except for the fact that it hasn’t. I reach my final loop of the driveway and let the kickstand down. Leaning forward, I breathe deeply through closed eyes.

“Bells, you alright?” His hand is on the small of my back again. I resist pushing it away. I want though. Another deep breath, I push through, and smile.

“Little nervous. I was the same way when I was learning to drive.” I chuckle. I was much worse. That was hell.

“You’re doing great though?” I don’t press the issue even if he doesn’t appear to understand. Our history with heavy issues hasn’t been great so I’m trying to avoid them as much as I can today. 

Jacob steps into his garage, picks up another helmet, and wheels the second bike out into the cold La Push air. “You feelin’ up for a run through the woods?”

My nerves say fuck no. They want to be back in my bed in Forks, cuddled up under the covers, finishing the book that I’ve been reading for the past couple days.

Power through, I tell myself.

My face stiffens and with determination, I nod. Jacob smiles, “Fuck yeah!”

He mounts his bike much more gracefully than I did. I’d like to think that I’m channelling the energy of a much more confident woman. One bound in leather who rides a Harley or something and kisses girls like it’s not even a big deal. Seeing Jacob on top of that dirt bike like he’s lived his whole life sitting on there shows me that I’m very, very mistaken in my self-identity.

His hands clench down on the bars with purpose. There’s a tension in his forearms that ripples all the way up his exposed arms. It’s mirrored in the happy smirk that’s written on his face right above a jawline that in a couple years will no doubt be as sharp as a knife. Nevertheless, it’s impossible to ignore that Jacob’s still a baby. He might only be two years younger than me but when you’re seventeen that might as well be a generation.

The bike’s kick started with the same force as before. Watching it from this distance is impressive and already I’m wondering if I could manage that on my lonesome. My body was never built for strength and hormones have already deteriorated my natural muscles to leave me scrawny. I’ll take curves over muscles anyday; at least on my body. 

“Follow my lead!” At this point I’m recognising the words more so from lipreading than actually hearing them. Jake stuffs his head into his helmet and shoots off down the driveway.

Following him down the driveway and onto the road, it’s not long before we’re veering off the street onto a track that leads neck deep in the woods. The path we ride down has been crafted long before us. Every little bump gives a short bit of air time that Jacob, with his speed and confidence, manages to ride much longer than me. The nerves and worries that I had moments ago vanish like the trees through my vision. One second they’re there and the next they’re not. All I can focus on is keeping up with Jake and not completely bailing.

There’s no time for Jake to even check that I’m following him. While I take the small jumps slower than he does, I’m able to keep up with his incredible speed. The deeper we get into the forest the more the path becomes rocky. It’s riddle with branches. Most of them are scattered on the dirt path. Some barely miss scraping by my body.

A feeling of freedom is something I’ve sorely missed. The amount of control I’m given by a vehicle is something that I can’t get anywhere else. Even if I’m not confident in my own abilities to drive this thing those moments where I’m too focused on not crashing to worry about anything else are carefree and blissful.

There’s some serene about the forest too. A combination of browns and greens that sparkle with the morning dew as it passes by in a blur. It melts together from the speed of the bike. All I can see is the colours. It’s pleasant. More interesting than a desert too.

It makes me wonder if Alice explores these forests much. She lives in the thick of it, right? And, she’s always going camping with her family.

Alice.

I shake the thoughts of her from my head and try to focus on not crashing. I’m able to pick up the speed a bit more. The small jumps become a lot more natural and I’m getting into a rhythm with them. It takes a bit but I’ve reached the point where I’m not crushing myself on the seat of the bike whenever I land. Yeah, Jacob forget to teach me about that.

The track turns around on itself without me noticing it. Jake takes a tight swerve off the track and into the bush. I don’t have any time to react, any time to think. I follow without question.

Off the beaten track I’m less composed. The rocky, uneven ground causes the bike to jolt up over and over again. It’s biting against my thighs. There’s a definite path on the ground but compared to the one we were following it’s new, hardly touched.

Almost as quickly as Jacob’s taken that turn, we’re out of the forest, and shooting out into his backyard. He slows to a crawl outside his garage. I do the same. The second we stop, I fumble for the kickstand, and hop off the bike. The helmet comes shortly after. It lands on the ground.

I’m double over, hands on my thighs, breathing heavily. Jake’s laughing. His helmet’s disappeared too. “It’s a rush, ain’t it?”

“Fuck.” I giggle. There’s a smile on my face. My heart is racing and for once it’s for all the right reasons. The adrenaline is a pleasant, organic high. It’s not something to be feared or to shirk away from. I look down at my palms and I’m shaking.

I straighten my back. Jacob whacks me on the shoulder. He’s smiling hard. His brow tucks down as he tugs on my sleeve. That’s when I feel the warm blood trickling down my arm.

“You hit something. Must have been a branch. Let me get the first-aid.” Jake disappears into his house with half-jog. His concern is relaxed. This isn’t an issue. I sit down on the bare ground without a care for the dirt on my ass. Knees raised, my arms lazily rest on them, after I take off my plaid shirt. Underneath is a tank top which lets the long, thin gash spreading almost halfway around the girth of my bicep become clear. Now that I see it, it stings quite badly.

There’s a decent amount of blood too. Not enough that it’s serious but enough to know that whatever hit me did a pretty good job. I turn away from the red. Like most things in life, the sight of blood makes me nauseous and more dizzy than I have any right to be.

Jacob returns moments later with a box of supplies. He stops when he gets close to me. I look up at him. There’s something in his eyes. He’s looking down at a girl in skinny jeans and a tank. She’s got dirt on her hands and knees, a thin layer of sweat over her body, and she’s breathing heavily from exertion. If there’s ever been a clearer moment of Jacob being a teenage boy then this is it.

I can’t deny that it makes me feel fucking great though. I don’t want the attention at all. Jacob’s too young. That doesn’t mean that I can revel in the fact that someone finds me hot enough that they have to stop in their tracks to get a look at me.

He comes to his senses quickly enough that I don’t need to bring it up. It saves an awkward conversation. “Shit Bells.” He murmurs. He pats down my arm with a towel to soak up the blood. We sit side by side with Jacob applying pressure to my bleeding wound.

“What’s the time?” I eventually ask. Jacob checks the phone in his pocket.

“Bit after two.” He replies.

“Charlie’ll be here soon.” The phone returns to his jeans.

“Yeah.”

I’m able to handle the rest of the first-aid by myself. With the bleeding stopped, the wound is no issue to my weak willpower. Jake quickly proves himself to be totally clueless in fixing up injuries too. “I’ve actually taken a course on this for a Summer job I had.” I tell him. All I get is a grunt of affirmation. 

Anti-bacterial shit, dressing, done. Easy as that. Jacob doesn’t give much to the small talk that I try to initiate. 

“What are you gonna do with the bikes?” I ask.

“Probably sell ‘em.” A short reply.

“Got anyone lined up?” Another question.

“Nuh.” And, that’s where that line of conversation ends.

“So... Are they done?” C’mon Jake, give me something.

“Yeah.” Fucking hell man.

For whatever reason, he doesn’t seem capable of meeting me halfway. I keep pushing to find the easygoing vibe we had earlier. It’s pointless. It’s gone. Jacob’s checked out. We sit together in the chill breeze. I reach into my pocket and text Charlie to pick me up early while insisting that everything’s okay.

Charlie pulls up at the front of the driveway. As I stand I wrap the right arm of my plaid shirt, and what’s left of the left, around my hips. It’s dangling quite a bit from the cut. “That’s me. I really enjoyed this, Jake.” I smile. He doesn’t meet my eyes but he smiles too. It’s clearly fake. Jacob really isn’t the best actor. I don’t know what I did but the self-destructive part of my head, the one that causes my panic attacks and breakdowns, has an awful suggestion. I try not to consider it for long.

“Well, see ya.” With my hands slipped into the back pockets of my jeans, I shrug.

“Yeah. Bye.” Jacob says flatly.

What the fuck did I do?

I walk to the police cruiser and before I even get in I can see Charlie’s bulging eyes. The instant the car door’s opened he’s asking the predictable question.

“What happened to your arm?!” He asks, panic in his voice. The concern is heartwarming to say the least. Mum would be telling me about some time that she got an injury that was way worse. Charlie only really cares about my wellbeing; not some metaphorical dick measuring contest.

My lips curl up. “Jake was teaching me how to ride a dirt bike and-”

“You were what?!” I let out a boisterous laugh that doesn’t help the situation at all. Charlie’s face only manages to get more serious. There’s so many wrinkles in his strained face and I’m pretty sure that I’ve created at least half a dozen right now. 

“I told you that’s what we’d be doing! You didn’t say anything!”

“I thought you were joking! I was under the assumption that Bella Swan didn’t ride motorbikes. Next you’ll be telling me you were drinking and… And smoking weed!” If it was for Charlie’s dead serious face then I’d be sure he was joking. It only causes more laughter booming from my lungs. He doesn’t seem to appreciate it.

“I’ve only ever had, like, one bottle of beer in my life. Weed isn’t my thing.” Charlie finally pulls out of the driveway and nods. “Good.”

Once he’s settled down a bit I’m able to tell him exactly what happened. He doesn’t seem all that fussed exactly how I got it more so that it was because of a boy and because of a motorcycle. “You know,” I start. “You never had a problem with Alice and I being alone at a sleepover. Why’s Jake such a big deal?”

“Why Alice be a problem?” He asks. “Alice gets straight A’s. She never gets in trouble. I’m glad you’ve got a close friend here.

I breathe a deep sigh to push through the nerves. “Charlie, I’m not exactly straight.”

There’s silence. I watch the gears turn in Charlie’s head as he processes all of this. “Huh.” Is all I get.

“Yeah.” I follow up.

“You want to be more than friends with her?” He’s feeling me out. While he might be confused he’s not repulsed or lecturing me about how it’s a phase or something.

“Yeah.” I repeat.

“Doesn’t Alice have a boyfriend? Starts with a J?” 

There’s a bit more silence.

“Yeah…” I repeat once more.

“Ah. Sorry Bells.” Charlie purses his lips. His moustache envelops them completely.

I let out a little chuckle. “S’alright.”


	10. Friends.

Jacob’s radio silence extends into the coming days. He doesn’t respond to any of my texts and Billy can’t manage to get past his sullen mood to ask him what’s going on. Charlie tells me that he’s nothing more than a moody teenager except I know it’s more than that because you don’t go from being a smiling, happy guy to the human equivalent of a brick wall. I shouldn’t care as much as I do. Before last Thursday I didn’t even like the guy. Now I’m craving his attention?

What’s worse is that Jacob’s issues with me are bleeding into my Alice problems. They’re mixing together to create a dreadful, overbearing parasite that I’m unable to shake with even the best efforts of Charlie and my friends. I want to talk to Alice, to reach out to her and tell her what’s going on. I want to listen to her problems too and help with whatever she needs. I want us to be friends. However, I’m not quite there yet. Reservations are still rooted deep in my being. As happy as I am to see her around school, part of me fears her presence.

My weekends aren’t much better. I’m trying my hardest to study for all the tests I have right before the holidays. I can barely manage to spend even an hour sitting at my desk without my attention drifting to something else. It’s even more difficult knowing that my bed is mere inches away and that I could be curled up under the sheets doing nothing except scrolling through Tumblr and Twitter. Which I end up doing most of the time. Only that makes me feel even worse. Horrible, in fact.

So, yeah, me and this parasite are getting along swimmingly. In that I want to drown it in a swimming pool and watch as the frantic bubbling disappears to nothing.

On Sunday afternoon, I’m curled up in my bed telling myself that I’m just taking a short break from studying even though I know it’s been hours since I’ve done so much as look at my books. There’s a knock on the front door. I’m happy to ignore it. I can hear Charlie talking to whoever it is downstairs.

“Bells! Your friends are here!” He shouts from downstairs.

I cock an eyebrow, then both together. Friends? First of all, who and, second of all, why? Reluctantly, I raise from my bed and pull on a pair of jeans. I second guess myself a couple times but eventually settle on putting on a bra too. I’m careful to make sure that everything’s neatly in place before gradually making my way downstairs.

Mike and Jessica are standing on the front door. Charlie leaves me with them. Mike tries to be subtle in looking over my body while Jessica doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she’s enjoying the view.

“Damn girl, you’re an even bigger mess than I thought.” Mike nudges her with her shoulder. “What?” She says, turning to him. “She looks like a fucking zombie. C’mon, grab a jacket we’re going shopping.”

I look past the two and see Eric’s car pulled up on the street. He smiles, waves, and honks the horn a couple times which I can only assume is his hello.

Returning back to the moment, I give Mike and Jessica a look. “Shopping? In Forks?”

Jess opens her mouth to speak but Mike cuts her off quickly. She looks less than impressed and I have no doubt she was gonna say something pleasant as calling me a zombie. I’m not mad at her at all because she’s totally right. Jess’s brutal honesty is sometimes necessary.

“Port Angeles. Operation: Get Bella Swan Out Of Her Funk.” He smiles. He’s almost as goofy as Jacob except Jacob doesn’t try anywhere near as hard to be liked.

“Subtitled: Bella’s A Moody Bitch Because A Supermodel Won’t Date Her.” Jess smiles her toothy smile. Mike looks horrified but I’m laughing. I run my fingers through my hair and let out a deep sigh. “Fine. I’m coming. Just let me get my jacket.”

I disappear for a few moments to grab one of the few jackets I have that I don’t wear on a daily basis. I’ve basically got three in rotation and then two others that I keep for special occasions to make it seem like I’m not being lazy about my outfit. It might sound stupid but you try having fashion critic Jessica Stanley as one of your closest friends.

Charlie is more than happy to hear that I’m going out. He lends me a couple bucks and tells me to be safe as I’m heading out the door. It’s a tight fit in the back of Eric’s car but it’s not so bad being crammed next to Jessica in the back seat. Angela, of course, sits in the passenger seat because nobody can match her ability to call shotgun. Or her ability to push you out of the way when you’re trying to call shotgun.

Eric pulls out into the street and the hour drive to Port Angeles starts. “Is that new?” Jess asks, tugging at the sleeve of my jacket. Angela smirks and flicks through her phone that’s plugged into the car through an aux. The weirdest combination of indie punk and top 40 plays through the shitty speakers. Mike and Eric are talking about the movie, reviews they’ve read, and how it fits into some bigger cinematic universe.

It’s a total clusterfuck. It’s noisy and cramped and it’s exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do today. Everyone’s talking over each other. I only manage to hear what someone else is saying by asking “what?” at least three or four times before getting a clean answer. Between this and motorbike practice I’m developing a talent for lipreading.

Every now and then Mike and Jessica will argue about something inconsequential. Right next to me. Eric’s trying to get us to play car games but nobody’s having it. This whole experience is overwhelming. The parasite that’s been attached to me for the better part of a week in a half is screeching in terrible anguish; begging to do anything but this.

I ignore its cries, its pounding in my head, because right now I couldn’t be happier.

Somehow the ride never gets boring. Despite spending all our time together during the week we still manage to find things to talk about, to riff on. Stupid conversations about nothing are interrupted by the world record for worst karaoke. It’s only made better by Angela stopping the music during Eric’s vocal solo of some Adele song that I’ve never heard. Eric keeps singing. He doesn’t hit the high notes, he doesn’t even stay on key, but it manages to be one of the best live performances I’ve ever witnessed. There’s a round of applause after he’s finished because how could we not?

We arrive at Port Angeles in whatever the opposite of record time is. Compared to Forks, Port Angeles feels like a bustling city. Despite that it doesn’t even begin to touch upon Phoenix’s size. As we’re walking through the streets on our way to the movies, Eric and Angela point out different places and tell stories about things that happened there like they were historic, world-shattering moments. Like the time that Eric swears a cat stole his burger right out of his hands. Or how Angela was dared to lift a car and almost flipped it over.

Jessica is quick to correct and add amendments: Eric dropped the burger and a stray cat started eating some of it before running off. Angela lifted the back of a car about an inch off the ground. I’m still impressed by the latter.

It’s weird feeling like an outsider and an insider at the same time. There’s so much history between these guys that I’m not apart of and yet not once do I not feel included. I’m so used to witnessing friendships happen from a distance but every last one of them makes an effort to make me feel like I was there. All the while Jess and I are laughing about how obviously stretched these stories are.

Belonging is a bit of a new sensation. I think that I could get used to it. It wraps around me like a warm blanket and tells me that, despite being completely out of my element in Washington, I’m closer to home than I ever was in Arizona.

We eventually get to the movie theatre, settle in, and watch two hours of the fourth sequel to some popular action series that I’ve only heard in passing. It’s pretty okay. Nothing that I can complain about. Mike and Eric dissect the whole thing scene by scene afterwards while Jess and Angela drag us from shop to shop.

The girls try their hardest to get me involved. It kinda dawns on me that as a girl I should probably be interested in clothes. It’s not that I’m not. I spend a lot of time with my hands awkwardly in my pockets, making side eyes towards things that I like. However, whenever someone suggests something directly I baulk. Old habits, I guess.

“C’mon! You’d look cute in this!” Jess tries to convince me, holding a skirt up to my body. I step back, palms showing. “It’s not my thing.”

“Nothing is your thing! You’re impossible!” She sighs. Angela’s sifting through clothes on a rack without even paying attention to us. “Leave Bella alone, Jess.” She sighs. Jess is soon distracted by Angela asking her opinion on some pair of shorts. I think that I’m off the hook when she grabs my wrist and pulls me towards the dressing room.

“I need a girl’s opinion. Angela’s taste is shit.” She tells me. I protest with stammers and stutters. My heels don’t kick in deep enough because I’m stuck in a dressing room with Jessica all too soon. She’s undressing out of her clothes without warning. I’m trying to look away which is hard when a third of the room is mirror. My cheeks are redder than I like.

Jessica doesn’t seem to notice, thank God. She’s wriggling herself into a dress. It’s hard to not to focus on the effect that it has on certain parts of her body. Certain parts that are much bigger and much wrigglier than mine. She looks at me through the mirror, a smirk on her face. “So, girls, huh?”

My shoes suddenly become quite interesting. Has that scuff always been there? Man, my shoelaces are uneven. I really should fix that.

“What?” I blurt out. I can feel the heat in my cheeks and it’s not pleasant.

“You’re too cute. You like girls, obviously. Ever crushed on a boy?” Jessica’s confidence is astounding. I stare at her face, definitely her face, with a slightly open mouth.

“What?” I ask again. Jessica laughs.

“I’m doing… What did he call it? Reconnaissance?” She giggles in the cutest way. Not Alice cute but a different kind of cute that I can admire without feeling deeper things. “This is the easiest way to get proof.”

“Proof? What proof?” My voice is projected directly at the floor. 

Jessica laughs a haughty laugh. “You’re plenty of things Bella, subtle isn’t one of them. I don’t know whether you’ve got a bad case of internalized homophobia or it’s our stupidly heteronormative society. Either way it’s, like, no big deal that you’re looking at my body.”

I’ve got no idea what Jessica’s talking about. My mouth opens wider to repeat myself again. Although, I know that this awkward moment will probably end sooner if I just answer her question.

“I mean, uh, I’m open to boys. I’ve never actually… Like… Felt anything... Towards them?” I stammer out. Jessica giggles again. It’s pretty cute the second time too.

“Gotcha. I’m gonna take that as a no to boys, for now.” Jessica finally pulls on some more clothes and sways from side to side as she looks herself over in the mirror. She turns to me. “Yes or no?”

I nod. “Yes. Definitely yes.”

Jess smiles. “Great!” She happily squeaks. “Oh, and Bella?”

I look down at my shoes, my hands are in the pockets of my jackets. “Hm?”

Jess sighs and closes the distance between us. I can tell because her feet suddenly come into view. “It really is okay to stare.” She tells me, giggling through her words. “Really! It’s a major compliment coming from you.”

I hold the gaze of the carpet for what feels like millennia until the weight of my eyes because all too much. They rise up to her chest for a split second. Jess giggles even louder this time.

“There you go.” She winks. “Now, I need your opinion on this skirt since you stubbornly refuse to wear it. I’m telling you it’d look amazing on your god-like butt.”

Jessica tries on outfit after outfit and although I should be getting more comfortable seeing her naked I’m really, really not. It doesn’t help that she’s got the body that I wish I had. She’s short, unassuming, but a total babe. Curves in all the best places and a chest that can actually fill out a proper woman’s bra unlike mine which might as well be flat.

At one point I stupidly stammer out that I’m not interested in dating her. Turns out I was picking up on all the wrong signals because Jess gives me a look. “Duh? I’m not trying to, like, seduce you. Don’t mistake me being confident in my body and my heterosexuality with being flirty. That’s on you.”

We both leave the dressing room together a while later albeit with me having a much, much redder face than when I entered. Angela’s waiting with the boys having already purchased her things. She laughs at us with a knowing look. “Jess! What did you do to the poor girl?”

“Poor girl?!” Mike exclaims. “Lucky girl.”

There’s not much more any of us want to do in Port Angeles. We visit a couple more stores. Nobody really has the energy to continue. With the Sun coming down we resign ourselves to stuffing back into Eric’s car and starting the drive home.

Everything’s silent in the car except for the sound of Angela’s phone being played on shuffle. Conversations start up but dwindle out quickly. Jessica’s sitting next to me and lets her head lull onto my shoulder. I freeze for a moment before telling myself to relax. Angela’s happy eyes look at us through the rearview mirror, through her glasses. I smile back.

I think about texting Alice. The thoughts don’t go much farther than that. I let myself relax, the side of my head falling delicately onto the top of Jessica’s while my eyes rest shut.


	11. The Hard Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EverythingSoundsSexierInFrench
> 
> #noshame

I’d like to say that on Monday morning I had the conversation with Alice that I’ve been dreading for the past week. The one that I’ve been wanting to get over with so we can go back to the wonderful friendship we had before. With one week of school left before the holidays, you’d think that I’d get off my ass and stop being such a wimp. Having said that, I think by this point I’ve made it pretty clear that the Swans aren’t exactly the best when it comes to emotional conversations. My track record for that is, uh, shit.

With my mood improved significantly from my trip to Port Angeles, I let myself sink deep into studying for coming week’s tests. My other issues become hella easy when I straight up ignore them. 

So, that’s what I do. I ignore it. Studying is the perfect fuel for that. I focus on the study timetable I pin up in front of my desk and know that I’ll have all the time in the world to think about Alice after Thursday; after my exams are done. Thankfully, none of my teachers were big enough dicks to put their test on the final day of term.

Most of my time at school is spent in the library studying. To my surprise, my friends join me whenever they can. It’s weird having a friend group who cares about their grades as much as I do. It surprises me even more when I’m told that Jessica tops most of her classes. Between her insatiable thirst for gossip and her obsession with fashion she doesn’t scream 4.0 GPA. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits but I think my point still stands.

Of course, I get a bit more time than my friends due to having free periods instead of gym. My books are laid out as haphazardly as they usually are when I’m studying math. My phone’s lying next to my notebook with my headphones plugged in the jack and my ears. Algebra will be the death of me but music helps it be a bit less of a painful death.

“Bella? May I have this seat?” I flinch at the sudden voice cutting through the gritty punk I’m listening to. It’s unfamiliar, the voice not my music. I look up to see a face that’s chiseled in a way that matches his lean, athletic frame. Blonde hair cascades around either side of his face and barely touches his shoulders. Compared to the rest of the men in his family, Jasper Hale seems on the small side when it comes to his overall size. Height-wise, he may actually be close to the tallest.

The most notable feature about Jasper is his expression which, like the first time I met Edward and Alice, conveys pain. It’s a lot clearer now that I know what is going on. I’m also able to notice that there’s an unwavering focus in his eyes. While he isn’t concentrating on anything in particular, his resolve is intense.

“Of course!” I tell him, the surprise is evident in my voice and I yank the earbuds out of my ears. A slight smirk appears on his face and he takes the seat directly opposite me. I don’t miss how he deliberately creates distance between us. “Are… Are you sure about this? I don’t want to… Um… You know?”

“It’s more than okay.” The smirk stretches but only millimeters bigger. His strained, willful gaze betrays his smile. With his simple words, I feel a wave of calm pass over me. For a split second, I could swear that nothing in the world would ever be wrong again.

The unusual serenity is enough to give me pause. It doesn’t leave me either. It’s nice. “Can I help you with something? Or, uh, did you want to talk?”

Jasper answers in less than a second. His reaction time is shocking. Definitely something that takes me off guard. “You need to speak to Alice.”

“Oh?” I know he’s right. I’ve known that I’ve needed to speak for Alice mere hours after telling her that I needed a break between us. As per usual, I was hoping things would work themselves out and, as per usual, they haven’t.

“There’s a reason humans don’t know about us, Bella. We’re kept secret because of powers beyond our control. It has caused a rift in my family. One that Alice is at the middle of.” Jasper speaks quickly and without a single breath passing by his thin lips. I’m not sure I completely understand the meaning behind his eerie words. Yet I do take them seriously.

Jasper stands almost as quickly as he sat down. “Whatever your feelings: tell her soon. Otherwise, you might not get the chance.”

He makes his leave without saying goodbye, pausing only once momentarily before leaving the library. “For what it’s worth, I hope you do give us all the benefit of the doubt. You make Alice happy and from what she’s told us about you, you have a beautiful soul.”

The emotional honesty is another thing about Jasper that catches me off guard. If anyone else my age had called me a “beautiful soul” I would think they’re trying too hard to impress. Coming from Jasper’s tongue they’re effortless. It’s a reminder that he’s definitely not be as young as he looks. Aside from that, his willingness to be so open when he barely even knows me is something that isn’t lost on me.

He disappears after that. The conversation is short and to the point. I look down at my desk, pencil fidgeting between my fingers, and know that everything Jasper said is right. I still dread the conversation and I still have lingering worries about who she is. The thing is, when the weight of Jasper’s words settle and I realise that I might lose her because of my indecision it doesn’t matter one bit.

Some part of me might be afraid of Alice Cullen. A bigger part of me is much, much more afraid of losing her for good.

My decision is unwavering. I stand and start packing my books into my bag. One after another is shoved into the damn thing, wriggling and shaking them when need be. By the time I’ve managed to fit every last one into it the fabric is stretching and it weighs more than a ton. Finally, I wind my headphones around the body of my phone and push that into my front pocket. Again, it’s a tight fit.

With my bag slung over my shoulder, I head to the library doors, push them open and-

Alice is standing before me.

We’re inches away from one another. She’s wearing a flowing dress. Definitely not suited for the winter weather in the slightest. Striped leggings come down to her ankles but don’t meet her ballet flats. Her spiky mess of a pixie cut is adorned with a small bow tucked into one side. Considering how the rest of her outfit is perfectly matched I’m guessing that her hair only gives off the look that it’s an untameable mess. Every little wayward strand must be meticulously designed.

“Hi!” She squeaks, smiling wide. She rocks on the balls of her heels, back and forth, hands clasped loosely below her hips.

“Alice! I was just-”

“Looking for me? I thought I’d save you the time.” I stare blankly for a moment or two. I blink a couple times. There’s a connection trying to be made in my brain but the spark can’t quite manage to make the jump from one point to another.

“What?” I say. No doubt I look like an idiot. Alice simply giggles. “I’ll explain another time. You wanted to talk to me? I’m sure we can find somewhere private.”

I look down. Alice’s hand is open, offered to me. I take it and squeeze her hand in mine. She squeezes back.

She pulls me into a nearby classroom that happens to be empty. I close the door behind us and any worries about getting into trouble are whisked away by the dread of what I have to say next. I hesitate long enough for Alice to pull two chairs up to a desk like lifting them isn’t even anything; like they’re weightless. Right, vampire strength is a thing.

We sit down. My bag drops off my shoulders and thuds on the floor a little louder than I’d like. Alice’s handbag glides gracefully off her arm. Now that I’m in the moment and realising that I’m finally going to do this the panic has disappeared.

“I’m sorry.” I start.

Or at least, that’s what I had intended to start with. The problem is that I don’t exactly go anywhere. Alice is expecting more and I’m sitting here wondering what else there is to say. “I shouldn’t have waited this long to have this conversation. I guess… Uh… I’m cool with you? As long as you don’t, y’know, drink my blood or anything? At least ask first?” 

Alice’s smile sparkles. Not literally, of course. She’s kind of glowing with how happy she is and she’s vibrating with glee. Her body stretches over the width of the table to wrap me in a hug.

“Bella! You silly girl! I wouldn’t dream of hurting of you.” Alice giggles. I giggle a bit too, hugging her back as she awkwardly stretches across the width of the desk. Eventually, she does let go once I’ve returned the hug to her satisfaction.

I run my fingers through my hair, trying to compose myself somewhat and failing miserably. It’s shown in my blushing cheeks and my averted gaze all of which make me look like a complete and utter fool. “You should thank Jasper, actually. He kinda set me straight.”

“He does that. I’m lucky to have that wonderful boy.” Those words shouldn’t hurt. I’m an emotionally mature teenager who can understand that you don’t get involved with girls who are with boys. It’s one thing to fall for a straight girl but a straight girl with a boyfriend?

Emotionally mature? Who am I kidding? I’m a hopeless wreck.

I’ll get used to it though. The way Alice’s friendship makes me feel is worth the slight twinges of pain I get seeing her with Jasper. Or hearing her talk about Jasper. They make each other happy and that’s what matters, right?

Then why doesn’t it make me feel any better about the situation?

“You should meet the rest of my family! Properly.” Alice is practically bouncing in her seat. I smile at her. The excitement is a bit more than merely infectious. I’m a little bit worried about meeting everyone considering… Everything. It’s kinda hard to pinpoint what scares me the most. Nevertheless, I do agree with Alice’s sentiment.

Her eyes glaze over for a couple seconds. Her smiles fades. Her face goes blank. It’s like someone flicked the switch that turns the Alice machine off. If I didn’t know any better, and I don’t, I’d guess that she’s sleeping with her eyes open.

“Alice?” I ask to no response. I reach out, grasping her arm tightly. I’m a second away from shaking her when the lights switch back on.

She nibbles on the bottom of her lip. She’s concerned. It’s obvious. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Her lips tighten from one side then the other as she keeps nibbling. Alice nods. “You should meet my family.” She repeats. “Sometime before Christmas. Can I ask a favour of you?”

I nod, Alice continues. “Could you wear a scarf tomorrow? And, could I borrow it at the end of the day?”

My brow tightens. My tongue rolls around beneath my bottom lip. “Do I want to know why?”

Alice takes a deep breath. I’m not sure if it’s actually necessary for her to breathe or it’s part of some sort of facade. She closes her eyes as she does it. When she takes my hand with both of hers I’m pretty sure it’s entirely performative. I can’t be sure though.

“You remember how Edward and I reacted when we first met you?” She explains carefully. Like an adult to a toddler. “Mhm.” I respond.

“We were thinking that, um, if my family got accustomed to your scent before they met you then it might make things less… Troublesome.” Alice’s expression freezes in a wince, waiting for my supposedly negative reaction. Instead, I laugh at how ridiculous this all sounds.

“You want your family to smell my clothes a bunch so they won’t want to eat me?” Alice takes a second or two but eventually she laughs too. “Well, when you put it like that!”

I shrug. “Dude, it’s better than the alternative. So, yeah, one Bella brand scarf coming up.”

“Eau de Isabella! Merci ma chérie!” Alice takes my hand and begins leading me through the halls without warning. Me, being the basket case that I am, follow without question. Every couple steps Alice makes is interrupted by a little skip. She’s rambling on about how she adores France and how she’s spent so much time in that country.

“I even own a little cottage in the coun- You should come visit! Not now obviously but sometime.” Her thoughts carry on from one to another so quickly that she’s even cutting herself off. There is some explanation of her sudden French dialect interrupting her English but it’s hidden between so many different anecdotes that it’s difficult to follow.

When we reach the exit to the car park Alice pulls an umbrella from her purse. It’s red with black spots - patterned like a ladybug. “It’s actually Rose’s but she won’t mind that I borrowed it.”

She’s about to step outside, her free hand still in mine, when I stop. There’s a confused glance from her. “Is everything okay?” She asks, uneasy. 

“Um, are we going somewhere?” I ask in turn. It takes a moment for it to register but Alice’s face does light up. “Oh! I didn’t mention! I’m tutoring you this afternoon; your place. What kind of tutor would I be to abandon you the day before your exam?”

I chuckle and step under her umbrella. We brace for the pouring rain together, walking to Alice’s luxury car that I couldn’t even begin to guess the make or model of. I don’t even recognise the brand which should tell you how much I know about cars. “Sure, Alice, I’m free this afternoon. Yes, of course you can come ‘round my place! Thank you for asking.”

She giggles. “All those questions are boring and I knew you’d say yes.”

“Of course you did.” I laugh, sliding into the passenger seat with Alice holding the umbrella over my head. She steps around to the driver’s side and slips in too. As we drive off to my home, I text Charlie to make sure he doesn’t come pick me up from school.

It’s not too long before Alice pulls up at my house. It’s odd seeing this shiny, silver car next to such a shabby place. If anything it really reinforces how out of place the Cullen’s cars are in Forks. Hell, the entire drive over I was in awe at how pretty the interior is. I’m starting to wonder how I’m the only one that’s managed to piece this all together when these things are being driven around town among used, second-hand vehicles.

Alice pulls out her umbrella but I’m already at the doorstep with my jacket pulled over my head. There’s rainwater dripping down my face. Alice shakes her head, laughing at me, but I ignore her and open the front door with my keys instead. Any wet drips are wiped from my face with my sleeve.

Once we’re in my bedroom, I drop my bag to the floor and am very glad that this is one of the rare occasions that my room is actually somewhat clean. Alice looks around the room with her curious gaze. There’s not much to see so it doesn’t take her long. She places her things by the door and makes a beeline for my wardrobe.

“Can I?” She asks, pointing to the closet.

I shrug. “Sure?”

The doors open as I take a seat on the bed and start pulling out my math things. Sitting with my legs crossed, I watch as Alice sifts through to one side of the rack and then to the other.

“These are your clothes? Is there more?” Again, she goes through everything one by one and finishes up in record time.

“Nope. That’s it.” I tell her. A pen twiddles in my hands as they rest in my lap. Alice strains her face and tries to process this. It takes longer than you’d expect which is to say that it takes longer than a second or two. Probably a good minute, even.

With everything straightened out in her head, she joins me on the bed in the same position as me. She’s opposite all my things so they’re spaced out between us. “But… You’d go through everything, like, twice in a week.”

I shrug again. “If something doesn’t smell then I’ll wear it two days in a row. If not then I’ll do laundry. Is that really so shocking?” I don’t begin to explain how I sometimes manage to get away with three days in a row when I’m feeling super lazy. Which is more often than not.

“It is when you don’t even own a dress! Or a skirt!” I can’t help but laugh softly. This is the last thing I’d expect Alice to be concerned with. When you’re a vampire that, from what she told me about her trips to France, I can only guess is at least several decades old fashion seems like it would be completely trivial to you. Instead, Alice is making my lacking wardrobe out to be the first sign of the coming apocalypse.

Somehow, I manage to get Alice to focus on the math. There’s a lot less small talk than when she’s usually helping me. Regardless, I actually feel like I’m making progress instead of questioning whether or not the textbook has the wrong answers. Alice is always able to tell me where I’m making mistakes and she explains everything in a way that’s easy to digest.

It takes a whole twenty minutes before Alice is distracted by my wardrobe again.

“I’m taking you shopping soon.” She declares after showing me how to do a particularly tough equation.

My attention is directed primarily on doing the next question so, instead of protesting, I decide to humour her. “Oh?”

Alice nods. There’s gears turning in her head once more. “I’m buying you skirts and dresses and thick tights you can wear those skirts and dresses in the Winter and Fall. And I’ll get you jeans that are torn for style and not because you’ve worn them too much.”

“You’re not spending all that money on me, Alice.” I absentmindedly tell her. I’d be lying if I said the thought of having a decent selection of clothes didn’t excite me. However, Alice doesn’t need to know that.

“I am definitely spending all that money on you, Bella! We have more money than we know what to do with even after we donate most of it. The Isabella Swan Charity for Empty Wardrobes! We’ll file the paperwork and it’ll be tax deductible and everything!” She announces as she excitedly rocks herself back and forth. I glance up from my work and curl my lips up into a smile watching her. I know I’ve mentioned how beautiful Alice is many, many times but it’s nothing compared to seeing her burning with passion over something so simple.

That smile doesn’t disappear either. Even as my gaze drops back down to my work. “Nope.” I say bluntly with a touch of playfulness. “You’re not.”

I leave just enough pause to create the slightest bit of tension. And, before Alice can argue her point I speak up. “But hypothetically… What would you buy me?”

Alice’s explanation is much longer than I could have guessed. At school she was so happy that she couldn’t keep a clear train of thought and now it would take an earthquake to deter her. There are short breaks to correct my work whenever it’s necessary. 

Otherwise, I’m given detailed descriptions of what she’d buy me, where she’d buy it from, and what outfits she’d make with it. As someone who throws on jeans, a shirt, and a flannel and calls it a day it’s truly astounding to see how her fashion-minded brain works.

There might be very little regard for what my opinion is. There’s definitely a lot of things that I instantly know I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing. You don’t exactly go from wearing muted clothes to wearing pastels, Alice. I’m not even sure pink was in my vocabulary before today. Either way, I’m pretty comfortable with how I dress.

The explanation is cut “short” by Charlie arriving home. Alice notices him long before I hear him pulling into the driveway. I’m gonna put that down to vampire shenanigans.

While I’m focused on studying, Alice is following Charlie’s footsteps with her eyes. Her hand slips underneath her bum to casually sit on it. All the while, she’s trying to keep her cool by assisting me with my work but the quick glances she makes in his direction betray her supposed composure.

It’s the first time I’ve seen Alice anywhere close to nervous. Is it bad to say that I’m enjoying it? Nothing humanizes an ancient and powerful vampire like good, ol’ fashioned anxiety.

Charlie climbs up the staircase, his bare feet thudding along the steps with weariness, and stops right outside my door. “Hey Bells.”

I’m about to introduce Alice when she pops up from the bed and closes the distance between her and Charlie. She extends the hand and makes direct eye contact with him. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Charlie. My name is Alice Cullen. My Dad has told me plenty about you.” She smiles through a well-rehearsed introduction.

Charlie looks down at Alice with a nervous smile. There’s skepticism written his expression - no doubt caused by Alice’s surprising formality and the confidence with which she displays it. If I thought Alice’s nervousness was endearing and adorable then Charlie’s apprehension about meeting a teenage girl who’s barely five feet tall is precious. Never have I seen a man as tall and wide be so easily defeated by a human pixie. Let alone a man who is a police officer.

I mean, Charlie isn’t a giant. He’s someone could have an athletic frame if he actually tried. I couldn’t ever imagine him actually being muscular though. Currently, he’s lanky with a bit of pudge. Nevertheless, the way these two dorks juxtapose one another makes watching them interact a delight.

“Pleased to meet you too, Alice. It’s finally good to see the girl my daughter won’t stop talking about.” His smile turns into a cocky grin, he shakes her hand, and shoots me a wink over Alice’s head. Alice, to her credit, doesn’t miss a beat. “Is that so? I hope she didn’t say anything bad!”

Wait, when did this happen? This was supposed to be my turn to enjoy someone else being all flustered. Now I’m the one with blushing cheeks? What the fuck!

“I think the word cute was u-”

“Okay! Thank you for stopping by, Charlie.” I launch from my seat on my bed and meet Alice’s side. “I’ll let you know if we need anything.” Without warning, I close the door in his face.

Alice’s smile is from ear to ear. I’m trying to look anywhere except at her angelic, radiating glee. This is one of the only moments I can say that I’m genuinely not happy with Alice being happy.

“I think that went well!” She chimes.

“Alice, with all due respect, fuck you.”


	12. A Surprise Visit

Things were supposed to get easier after patching things up with Alice. My body, however, has different ideas. The day after my final exam for the term I managed to catch the worst cold I’ve had since I was little. It’s so bad that I wasn’t even able to enjoy Alice dotting over me all day. We did end up postponing my visit to the Cullen’s house to avoid my first impression being one of a snotty, gross girl.

By the weekend I was bedridden. Still am, to some extent. I managed to sleep through Christmas as Charlie played the role of concerned parent constantly checking on me, replacing the plastic bag of tissues hanging off my bedpost, and bringing me cup of tea to keep me hydrated. 

The day after, I managed to migrate to the couch and log into my Mom’s Netflix account. Seeing her name pop up under the list of users stung a little more than I thought it would but it’s worth it to spend the day binging my favourite shows. That is, when I wasn’t passing out from the sickness. I did get Charlie into a couple of them though!

Today’s been rocky. I think I’m starting to get better since I can actually stay conscious for two or three hours before checking out. However, rest is the name of the game.

I’m half-awoken by chatter coming from downstairs. I don’t quite recognise the voices and it doesn’t sound urgent enough to warrant opening my eyes. I lazily wipe the drool from the corner of my mouth with my wrist before turning over in bed. If they shut up I might be able to get back to sleep.

The faintest footsteps bounce up the stairs. They’re a lot quieter than Charlie’s attempt at sneaking which has more in common with a stampede of rhinos than anything else.

“Bella?” The voice whispers. There’s a hand on my shoulder, gently nudging me. I let out a groan that’s deeper than I’d like. The voice giggles.

“Wake up, sleeping cutie.” With much effort, I slowly pry my eyes open and see Alice kneeling before me. Her twinkling eyes stare into mine. A lucid smile is spread across her face.

It’s a wonderful sight to wake up to. Even with the curtains pulled and the room shrouded in darkness I swear she glows. I smile back at her, groaning once more. “Hey…” I mumble. My voice is deep, gravelly, and congested. No amount of feminine voice training prepares you for sounding girly when you’re under the weather.

It’s the sound of my own voice that slaps me in the face. I’m not wearing makeup, I haven’t washed my hair in days, and I’m a complete mess of a human. My eyes widen, bulging out of my face, as I quickly cover all but the top of my head with a blanket. A pang of fear carves into my gut.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Alice chuckles, rubbing my shoulder through my layers of blankets.

I swallow the mountain of phlegm that’s constructed like a dam in my throat. It’s followed by a sniffle and a snort. “What are you doing here?” I reply. The effort to make my voice some less awful grates my tender throat.

“Nuh-uh. My question first!” She squeezes my arm.

“I’m gross. I don’t want anyone seeing me.” It’s the same response I gave to my group of friends when they offered to come visit. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having someone clock me because of a stupid cold.

Alice squeezes my arm again. “You look beautiful, I promise. I almost didn’t want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful and adorable.” She giggles again. There’s a moment’s hesitation before I wriggle my way out from underneath the covers and rest against the headboard. Alice is still smiling.

My face is pale and splotchy, my nose is brighter than a clown’s, and yet Alice takes the time to brush my hair behind my ear and whisper, “See? Beautiful no matter what.”.

My heart flutters. I roll my lips together to stop the dryness from cracking from a potential smile.

Her hand moves away from my hair as she starts her explanation. “Esme wanted to visit after I told her how you were bedridden all Christmas. She wanted to cheer you up.”

My fluttering heart comes to a sickening stop. I’d wanted to make a good first impression on every member of Alice’s family. Now that I’m a congested mess of exhaustion that will be impossible.

“A-Alice.” I stutter. I close my eyes. Nausea is rising in my stomach and my pulse is racing. I’m trying to calm myself down before a panic attack bursts forth from my chest but I can’t convince myself that this is going to be okay. Dysphoria prickles along my skin causing goosebumps and unpleasant shivers.

She puts her hands over mine though the blanket separates us from actually touching. The weight of her hands is more than enough to ground me. “Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. We can stay up here as long as you want. If you’re not up to it then you’re not up to it.” There’s a softness to her tone that keeps me relatively calm. Her cadence is slow and understanding. 

Alice happily shrugs. “Take a deep breath and we can do whatever you’d like, my beautiful girl.”

There’s a demonstration from Alice inhaling slowly and exhaling slowly. I let out a quiet, nervous laugh. “You don’t even need to breathe!” Alice laughs too. I do follow her instructions. The anxiety hasn’t gone away, not even close, although I am feeling a little bit better.

The air filling my lungs forces the tightness in my chest to dissolve and dissipate. Exhaling is almost as pleasant as Alice’s compliments. If it wasn’t for the slight guilt that I experience whenever she makes me swoon then I would probably be calm and content right now. 

“Close your eyes and hold out your hand. I want to give you something.” I croak out. Alice follows my instruction without question and, upon reaching into my bedside table to pull out her gift, I fasten a multi-coloured friendship bracelet around her wrist. It’s made up of bright, pastel threads that are woven together. 

“Alright, open.” Alice’s glee is so bright it could easily illuminate the night sky. “I love it!” She squeals, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me tight against her body. Her happiness is more contagious than usual and I can’t help but beam too.

I try to make excuses as to why I couldn’t get her something better. Alice is having none of it. “C'est parfait. Merci beauté.”

I’m not sure how much longer I can realistically put off meeting Alice’s adoptive mother. While Alice might have given me the option to hide away I know that ignoring her would be rude. Especially when she’s made such an effort to come see me. I might hate everything about this but having her thing poorly of me would be much, much worse.

I slowly get myself out of bed and head into the bathroom to have a quick shower. The hot water releases the tension I wasn’t aware I was holding in my muscles and the steam does wonders for my sinuses. There’s a couple brief moments where I consider washing my hair since it’s dirty and disgusting however I know the small amount effort that would require would be enough to drain what little energy I have.

When I’ve dried myself off, I dart back into my room. I have the same conversation with myself again, wondering if I should bother with actually making myself look somewhat presentable. I settle on a Gremlin©️ look: sweats, tank, hoodie over that with my hair pulled into a loose ponytail.

Does it make me feel better about my appearance? Hell no.

Is it comfy with minimal effort? You bet your ass it is.

Going downstairs feel like stepping into the lion’s den. Everything Alice did to calm me down undoes itself the moment I leave my room. The tension returns to my shoulders. The residual heat from the shower leaves me sweating just a bit. Nothing can stop my pounding heart and it only manages to get worse when I hear idle chatter coming from the dining room table.

Sitting around the table is more people than I expected. Jasper and Alice flank one side while Carlisle and Esme sit at the other. Charlie occupies the seat between the two couples. Surprisingly, he doesn’t look out of place talking to Esme and his husband which is a feat in itself.

Esme notices my presence in a reasonable amount of time which is to say that her head swings so fast that I can almost hear a Loony Tunes inspired sound effect. Her soft facial features imbue her with a sense of restfulness that I don’t get from a lot of people. Brunette waves shape her face, tinted by a reddish hue that glows when touched by the dim light. Much like Alice, I can see kindness reflected in her eyes albeit a different brand entirely.

“Bella!” She exclaims, rising from her chair to meet me face to face. “I’m so glad to finally meet you. Alice and Carlisle spoke so highly of you.” Esme’s hands gently place themselves on my shoulders. Her eyes make contact with my own. I don’t last long, breaking away rather quickly.

“I hope-” I sniffle, pushing past the sickness. “I hope Jasper hasn’t been too mean then.”

She laughs. It’s bright, comforting, like a warm hug from someone you’ve known for years. “Oh, you know how he is. Doesn’t say much.” She winks with the eye opposite Charlie before sending a smile to Jasper.

Is shyness really the excuse they’re giving for Jasper’s constipated look? The more I learn about this family the more I’m convinced that it’s a miracle I’m the only one that’s figured them out.

Esme pulls me into a hug. I could swear her body temperature is higher than the rest of her family or perhaps my fever is warming her up. It’s unexpectedly easy to let myself sink into her arms. The rising tension from my journey downstairs slowly fades only to rapidly spike back up once more when I catch Alice and Jasper holding hands underneath the table.

Esme must notice because she pulls away quite quickly. I speak up to cover the potential awkwardness. “Alice has said a lot of good things about you too. I’m glad I can put a face to those stories now.” I smile. It’s tough to ignore how much I hate my voice. I’m trying to power through.

I move to take a seat and Esme returns to her own. There’s a wrapped present sitting on the table that I’ve only noticed now. The wrapping paper is quite festive.

“Have you been feeling any better, Bella?” Carlisle asks. The low timber of his voice is relaxing in a way that’s completely different to Esme. It doesn’t surprise me that his bedside manner leaves me feeling much the same.

I give a little shrug and a sniffle. “A little less fever-y.” The looks of pity from around the table doesn’t help matters. I look down, folding my arms on top of the wood, to let my weight rest on top of them. “I think I’m not-”

I pause. My nose starts to tingle as does the inner corners of my eyes. It’s incoming. Why don’t you fucking do it already, coward.

Finally, after what feels like eternity I sneeze into the crook of my arm. There’s a five person chorus of “bless you” and I thank them all for their role in my performance. I cover my nose with one hand and raise to get a tissue.

“Wait! I’ve got you covered.” Alice reaches into her front pocket, pulls out a small packet of tissues, and then a tissue within that to hand to me. I thank her again and blow my nose. When I come back from throwing the tissue in the trash and washing my hands, Alice pushes the wrapped present in front of me.

“Merry Christmas!” She giggles. Even Jasper smiles a little bit at her excitement. It would be cute if he didn’t look in pain. And, if I didn’t have a sickening crush on his girlfriend.

The idle chatter that had started up while I left dies down again. I gently open the present, unfolding the taped sides and making sure not to tear the wrapping too much. Slowly, I uncover a book titled “Gay Pride & Prejudice”.

I almost can’t think of what to say. “How did you know Jane Austen was my favourite author?” The book’s flipped over and I skim over the blurb. When I glance up Charlie’s got the biggest damn smirk underneath that silly moustache.

“A conspiracy!” I challenge, coughing because slightly raising my voice tickles my throat. “I didn’t even think you’d remember.”

Charlie shrugs. “You visited one Summer and wouldn’t put the original down. When Alice came over and asked for ideas that came to mind.” He nods at the book.

“You like it?” Alice asks. The hopefulness is evident in her voice.

“I love it!” I respond, coughing once more. This time it’s to hide my stupidly deep voice. Alice bounces in her seat and Jasper kisses her gently on the forehead. I notice his forearm flex too. No doubt squeezing her hand underneath the table.

Another bout of jealousy fueled tension tightens my muscles.

“Look what Bella got me!” Alice sticks out her wrist and shows the bracelet to her adoptive parents who swoon almost as much as she did. From there, things settle down into small talk. Charlie and Carlisle share stories from work to an enraptured table and I’m content to listen on.

I’m in awe at how Carlisle gets Charlie loosen up so easily. He’s fairly relaxed around me. I am his daughter and we’re pretty similar people so that makes sense. Carlisle has Charlie laughing, smiling, and socializing like an actual human which I haven’t seen him do much of since I’ve arrived here. Billy’s probably the other exception.

What doesn’t make sense is how every time I see Jasper and Alice be even remotely affectionate with one another I want to curl up in my bed forever. Those little forehead kisses, the way she rests her head on his shoulder because it’s the perfect height for her, and especially the one time she kissed him on the nose. They all have that effect on me.

I knew Alice was in a relationship when we started out friendship. She’s taken, probably hetero, and definitely not into me. Why can’t my emotions acknowledge that and move on? Why do I have to pine like a total fucking idiot?

The conversation between Carlisle and Charlie turns to baseball and so another conversation splits away from that. Esme, with her beautiful gaze, turns her focus to me. “So Bella, what made you want to move to Forks?”

Charlie’s attention immediately disappears from Carlisle. Alice’s face sours. “Mom, no.”

“It’s alright.” I insist.

Charlie interjects. “Bells-”

“Dude, it’s fine!” My voice raises for the wrong reasons. The look on Esme’s face couldn’t express her regret any better. I take a short breath. “Sorry. Uh, my Mom threatened to kick me out after finding out I’m… Queer.”

It’s not the full truth but it’s not a lie either. A stronger person might have used this moment surrounded by compassionate, loving people to come out. I, however, am spineless.

“I didn’t feel safe after that.”

Esme darts around to my side of the table and envelopes me in a hug from the side. I instinctively cling onto her arm with my hands. “I know you’ve got your Dad now but, sweetie, if you ever need a play to stay you’re more than welcome with us.”

“Always.” Carlisle adds.

Tears trickle out of my eyes before I can regain my strength enough to stop them. It’s such a stupid fucking thing to cry over. Nice people exist - so what?

This is different. This is something that I’ve rarely ever felt. It’s something that I didn’t know I was missing especially since I arrived here in Forks.

Unconditional motherly love.

I pull away from Esme and she does the same to me. I sniffle, wiping the few tears from my eyes. “Fuck. Sorry.” I mumble as I stare down at the table. Esme’s hand stays firmly on my back while Alice’s finds its way to my knee.

My fingers trickle their way through my hair. I take a deep breath. “It’s okay, hun.” Esme tells me. Alice echoes her sentiment. “Silly girl, you’ve got nothing to apologise for!”

Esme sits back down and conversation returns to lighter subjects. The embarrassment doesn’t quite leave me despite my mood improving a bit. Every question I’m asked is answered with a stilted response. Whether it be my exhaustion or lingering humiliation, I don’t have it in me to try. Listening to the conversations occurring around me has more memories of Phoenix, of past “friends”, sparking into my head. It sours me.

With my head chin resting between my folded arms, I let my eyes close. Delicate fingers tuck a strand of stray hair behind my left ear - Alice. I peek one eye open and she mouths. “You okay?” I nod a little. All she does is pout. My eyelids are heavy.

“C’mon, you need to sleep. Doctor’s orders!” Alice chimes. I let out a weak moan that does nothing to stop her efforts. “Dad! Back me up here!”

“Rest is very important for a weakened immune system.” He states. I moan again. This time I slowly stand. In my barely conscious state I’m somehow able to thank everyone for coming and make my way up the stairs and into bed with Alice’s help.

She tucks me in, helping me take the hoodie off, and her soft lips kiss my forehead. “Dors bien et fais de beaux rêves.” Alice whispers. As she’s about to make her leave, my hand shoots out and clutches onto the hem of her top. “Stay.” I mumble. “Please?” My eyes aren’t even open. My words are barely comprehensible. Some part of me must know that this is a horrible idea: baring myself emotionally like this twice in one day.

Alice takes pause. “Let me ask Charlie if I can stay a little longer, okay?”

My fingers stay tight around the piece of fabric they’re clutching to. Against my screaming, conflicting emotions I let go.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m conscious the entire time Alice is gone. I know that I wake up later with a small body pressed up against my back and an arm wrapped protectively around my waist. “Go back to sleep, petit mouton.”

Fading out of consciousness, the last thing that I remember is Alice’s gentle words. My sleep is uninterrupted and peaceful for the first time in days. I’m not sure if it’s Alice’s presence, my intense exhaustion, or a combination of the two. Either way, I sleep soundly for the next few hours.

When I do finally wake it’s dark outside and Alice is nowhere to be seen. I roll over in bed, looking out my window and up at the clouds. Her scent lingers in my sheets causing a tightness in my chest that longs for her presence. 

My eyelids to drop and sleep to take me once more. It’s much more restless this time around and I’m barely able to stay asleep for more than an hour at a time. By the time the Sun has risen from behind the raining clouds I resign myself to waking up.

With a quilt wrapped around my shoulders, I carefully descend the stairs and lie down on the living room couch. My pillow supports my head. Netflix quietly plays on the TV for nothing more than white noise.

The sound of Charlie’s thudding feet alert me of his presence long before he turns on the coffee maker. I pause my show and wait for him to be done.

“Feeling any better, Bells?” He walks into the living room dressed in his police uniform. I let out a little groan. He chuckles and sits down on the arm of his recliner.

“I was hoping we could talk about yesterday.” My stomach knots. If I wasn’t feeling bad enough already I’m being forced to remember how I made an ass of myself the day before. Simply wonderful.

Charlie takes a deep breath with a loud exhale. “I… Well, I didn’t realise that things with Renee had hit you so hard.”

The knot in my stomach tightens like both ends are being pulled by strongmen. I swallow the emotions that bubble up in my throat and threaten to leak out of my eyes. I don’t need that happening again. I want to tell Charlie that I’m alright, that he doesn’t need to worry, but the tears might spill out if I open my mouth.

I chew down hard on my cheeks. Charlie continues. “If you need someone to talk to… I know I’m not the best but I’m here for you, okay?”

The coffee pot makes a little noise to say that it’s ready. “Yeah. Thanks.” I croak out.

He lingers for a little bit longer.

“Well… Right. I’ll see you this afternoon. Call me if you need anything.” 

His hand ruffles my hair a little and he leaves. I turn the TV back on.


	13. Are We Sure I'm Not Already A Vampire?

Charlie drops me off on the first Monday back at school, fully recovered from my cold. I shuffle across the car park to my friends who are huddled around in a tight knit circle. Mike is the first to notice me.

I almost double over in a fit of laughter. The air is being expelled from my lungs at such a force that it actually hurts somewhat. Mike’s face is the brightest shade of red. That’s before he even notices me barely able to breathe in fast enough to support my roaring.

“Dude! How the fuck do you get a sunburn in the middle of Winter? In Forks?!” That’s when the huddle separates and I see that Angela and Eric are sporting similar complexions. Theirs are nowhere near as bad as Mike whose light skin tone makes him way more susceptible to this sort of thing.

My personal intermission ends and act two of the laughing fit begins. Ladies, gentlemen, and nonbinary friends please take your seats and enjoy the show.

Jessica’s grin is as big as can be. “So, this is what you missed on our beach trip.”

“Shut up, Jess. Just because you can’t get sunburn.” I’m still laughing. I think I’m about to pass out from hyperventilation.

“I wear sunscreen, you dumbass!” Mike manages to turn an even brighter shade of red. 

I’m grinning, my laughter finally having died down a bit. “Aw, it’s okay, Mike. It’s a good look! Really! I wanna give your cute, widdle cheeks a pinch.” 

My hands reach for Mike’s face but he flinches and darts away. He throws his hands up in defence when I start making little pinching motions with my forefinger and thumbs. Angela and Eric’s eyes light up and they follow suit, chasing Mike around the car park with their human pincers.

I stay put with Jessica partially because running around an icy car park is the worst idea and partially because I notice one of the Cullen’s silver cars pulling up. Strangely, it’s only the one.

“I still can’t believe you won’t get me a date with Edward.” Jessica whines. My eyes are locked to the Cullen’s car. Out steps four of them. Only four. Alice is noticeably missing. I nudge Jessica with my elbow. “I haven’t even talked to him. When I do, it’ll be the first thing out of my mouth, promise.”

Jessica smiles wide and jumps on the balls of her heels. “You’re the best friend ever!”

The Cullens mostly stick to themselves except for Jasper who, to my surprise, begins walking over to Jessica and myself. He looks out of place without Alice by his side and judging by his contorted face he’s struggling without her near.

“Uh, Jess. Mind giving me some space?” I ask her.

She explodes with a cackle. “And miss being part of a conversation with Jasper Hale? Are you serious?”

“Please?” I ask again. I exchange a look with her. Her entire face slowly drops as we hold each other’s eyes. “Fine. Get me that date!”

Jessica leaves, leaning up against Eric’s car as my other two friends join her. Apparently my incoming conversation with Jasper is more interesting than tormenting Mike. It’s quite an achievement.

One hand of Jasper’s is curled around his notebook. Through his pale skin, I can see the white of his knuckles and the tension with which he holds not just his book but his entire body. The other hand is placed in the pocket of his hoodie. I can see the faint outline of a fist. The faintest smirk appears on his face once he’s approached me.

“Mornin’ ma’am.” He drawls. It’s the first time I’ve really noticed the slight hint of a Southern accent in his voice. “My sweetheart is absent today. She sends her best.”

Sweetheart sends a pang through my stomach. “Absent? We were texting, like, ten minutes ago. She didn’t mention a thing.” Jasper’s eyebrows brighten a little bit. The expression on his face, the charming smirk, might as well be carved out of stone because he’s barely moving it. His reactions are subtle. They’re there if you’ve got an eye for it.

“Your guess is as good as mine. I’ll wager she didn’t mention that I’m your escort for today either?” I chuckle. The nerves in my body are wracking up. “Escort? Why?” I ask him.

“Alice said it would help both of us.” He states.

“Are… Are you sure about that? I know what you all go through just to be around me. It… It can’t be nice.” Jasper’s the one to laugh this time. It’s a short little thing.

“That’s one way of putting it for sure. Now, ma’am, if you would do me the honor of accompanying you to first period?” Jasper’s smile is much wider this time. It feels genuine even if it is a bit forced given his circumstances. I clutch my books close to the chest, wrapping my arms around them and giggle. “As long as you promise to keep safe from all the horrible, teenage boys.”

Jasper’s smile grows. “That, I can do.”

It’s weird walking through the halls with Jasper. Mostly, because everyone is staring. It’s not as discomforting as it sounds despite Jasper’s presence literally parting the sea of students as we walk. Hushed whispers follow us all the way to my first period.

Jasper, like most of the Cullens sans Alice and Edward, are in the year above me so we don’t actually share any classes. I would wager it has something to do with Alice and Edward looking younger than their siblings. Whether or not that’s actually the case, I have no idea.

To nobody’s surprise, we arrive at my English class without any trouble. I stop to the side of the door. “Dude, I think we make a good team. Your ability to repel students combined with my natural talents of walking next to people? Unstoppable.”

His face is noticeably more stilted than before. I’m guessing it has to do with the relatively small space and the quantity of sweet, sweet human blood flowing through easily penetrable veins. “You sure you don’t need help getting to class?” I follow up.

“Your concern is endearing. I trust Alice’s judgment so I think I’ll be fine.” His words are quick. His voice is strained. It’s pretty obvious, to me at least, that he’s not breathing.

I nod. “Well, catch ya later, dude.”

English goes about as well as you’d expect a morning English class to go. That is to say, it’s awesome. Books make sense to me in a way that numbers never will and as a result it’s the one class that I feel confident in contributing to discussion or answering questions. 

Eric is dumbfounded half the time. He’s always wondering how I’m able to extract the interpretations that I get. I spend more time explaining things to him than actually doing my work.

I’m one of the last few to leave the classroom when the bell rings as I’m asking Mr. Mason some questions about the class. When I do leave, Jasper’s waiting outside the door with his back leaning up against the wall.

“Where to, Ma’am?” He asks. His voice a bit more chipper this time around.

“You’re really sticking with this whole cowboy thing, huh?” I smirk. Jasper tips an imaginary hat. “Yeehaw.”

It’s impossible not to laugh. I give him the room number for my next class and we’re off. “If you don’t mind me asking, why do you struggle with all this more than your siblings?”

“I’m newer to the lifestyle.” He answers swiftly. “Having Alice around helps. The same goes with you.”

I crook an eyebrow. “Me? How?”

“You get hit in the same spot enough times and you become numb to it. Get hit somewhere else and it hurts.” He explains. My eyebrow raises again. 

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

He looks down at me, smiling in the way that Jasper does. “It doesn’t need to make sense, m’lady. It works.”

There’s a bit of silence as we walk together and I try to think this over. “How about this, I’ll take your word for it if you never call me m’lady again?”

“Deal.”

The next few classes are dull as can be. I end up looking forward to the brief conversations that I get to have with Jasper between classes simply because it’s something different. I think we’re actually getting along well too which leaves me conflicted.

You might be wondering why I’m mildly upset about finding out that Jasper’s actually a really cool guy. Let me introduce you to the brain of a hormonal, emotional teenager. 

See, while I’m happy that Alice’s boyfriend is a really sweet guy who no doubt treats her well there’s a small but significant part of me that wishes he was an asshole to alleviate the guilt I feel for crushing on her. If Jasper was a total dick then I could whisk Alice away like some knight in shining armor. The reality is that they’re perfect for each other.

To make matters worse, Jasper actually invites me to sit with his family at lunch. There’s no hint of obligation or trying to be friendly. Just Southern hospitality at its finest.

My eyes wander over to their usual table. Edward sits beside Emmett and Rosalie.

The only noteworthy thing about Emmett is that he’s large. He’s got the usual paleness I’ve come to expect from vampires and the general attractiveness to boot. That’s standard fair by the this point. It’s that he wouldn’t look out of place among a group of defensive linemen that makes him stand out. In fact, I’m sure he’d put them all to shame. Otherwise, he’s got dark curls that are cut close to his head and a grin that won’t stop.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll join. About time I met Emmett and Rosalie, right?” However, I quickly want to reconsider that last commitment when Rosalie’s eyes make contact with mine. There’s a pang in my gut the second she acknowledges my presence. It’s like daggers being telekinetically launched directly into my stomach without remorse or an ounce of care.

It’s impossible not to notice how beautiful she is. The simple act of her existing begs your eyes to take in her form, every curve, and every breathtaking detail of her person. Blonde hair curls down behind her back and over her shoulders.

I’ve never felt much younger than Alice in her presence. By all accounts, she blends in perfectly with other students my age. Rosalie projects herself as a self-sufficient adult in appearance and in action. She could easily fit among the teachers or parents. The only thing that might contrast with that is her striking, supermodel-esque facial features.

I approach the Cullen’s table after getting food from the cafeteria. The stares of my friends can be felt piercing into my back. Their shock and astonishment isn’t exactly quiet either. I grasp tightly onto the lunch tray with both hands. Upon arriving, Jasper pushes a seat back silently inviting me to sit. The seat is hard and cold.

“Bella, right?” Emmett smirks. He’s leaning back in his chair, carefree as can be, with one arm slung around Rosalie. The two resemble a quarterback and head cheerleader from some teen, high school comedy right down to both of them looking way too old to be in high school at all.

I nod, pursing my lips, and trying to smile. “Yeah, Emmett? And… You must be Rose?”

“Astute observation. And, it’s Rosalie to you.” My shoulders tense. If words could kill then right now I’d be severely wounded. Thankfully, I’m not harmed. At least physically.

My body relaxes as Jasper speaks. A wave of calm pushes over me without warning or explanation for the second time today. “Rose…” His southern drawl is either the most relaxing sound in the world or there’s more vampire shenanigans afoot.

Rosalie’s nostrils flare briefly. Emmett’s arm clinches tighter around her shoulders and he kisses her temple with more care than I would ever think a human mountain could muster.

She doesn’t apologise. All the while, Edward is leaning back in his chair with a smirk that could disarm even the most heterosexual of men. Apparently he finds this whole thing amusing.

“Sorry.” I mumble. “Um, I really like your hair.” I pick at my food. None of it is really that appealing right now. The food around the rest of the people at this table seems sufficiently used: unwrapped wrappers and separated food bits. From a quick glance you’d see the illusion of things being eaten without anything actually entering a mouth.

Rosalie twirls her blonde hair around her finger. “Yes, well... Thank you.”

Whatever seed of a conversation I thought I planted is stomped out quickly by Rosalie’s perfect, probably expensive, heels. The silence is more excruciating than anything I’ve ever felt. I’d take a month of last week’s cold over this. Groups of students are trying hard not to look in our direction yet it’s painfully obvious that they can’t keep our eyes off this slow motion car crash.

Why is Bella Swan, dork extraordinaire and the physical manifestation of the sad trombone sound effect, sitting with the impossibly attractive Cullens?

It takes some time before there’s a flowing, bouncing conversation. I sit back, picking and nibbling at my food, while talking occurs around me. It’s interesting hearing them gossip about the other students as if they’re watching a daytime soap.

I glance over my shoulder at my friends. They’re talking to one another like nothing’s different. I catch Eric looking in my direction and immediately turn away.

Every passing second has me becoming more and more displaced from what’s happening around me. The Cullens are a tight-knit family. Trying to fit in among them is akin to prying apart heavy duty magnets.

The only thing stopping me from leaving the table entirely is my wavering lack of confidence. I sit through all of it until the bell finally rings. Jasper tries his best to include me but after two or three attempts I think even he realises it’s pointless. When I’m finally free of this imprisoning social situation, Jasper’s standing and offering me his hand.

“Biology, ma’am?” I take his grip and he helps me up. Before we leave I tell one of the more difficult lies I’ve ever had to stomach. 

“Um, yeah. It was nice meeting you all.”

The walk to biology is pretty short so Jasper and I don’t have any time to talk. The stares in the hallway are more obvious after sitting with the Cullens. The rumour mill is in full swing. I fucking hate being in the middle of it. I detest it. The more attention there is on myself the bigger chance people will start to notice things about me that I don’t want them to see.

Jasper bids me farewell once we reach my destination and I enter the classroom. I take my usual seat. The absence of my best friend hits harder now than it has the rest of the day. This is the one class I have with Alice so spending it without her is particularly depressing. 

I pretend to busy myself by looking through my notes as hushed whispers float around me. This might be worse than when I thought Alice hated me; when I thought she knew about me.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my notifications. I’m desperate for any sort of distraction. The group chat between my friends and I has been flaring up with their messages asking me for any sort of intel on the Cullens and somehow I managed to miss all of it through lunch. I should be feeling disappointed that I missed out on all of this but I’m not. It’s making me laugh. Their frustrations are amazing. 

There’s also a private message from Jess who’s demanding to know if I asked Edward about her. I send a short text back. “Dude, I think he’s gay?”

Jess responds in less than a half a minute. She is not happy with my joke.

Mr. Molina makes his entrance soon enough and I can focus on the lesson. He triumphantly slams down cardboard box filled with something that I’m sure we’re about to learn about. The attention of every student is focused on him.

Then he manages to say two words that send a shiver down my spine. “Blood typing!”

Alice’s absence suddenly makes sense. How she found out that we were doing this today, I have no idea. Why the fuck she didn’t tell me is just as perplexing. Although, I figure she has no idea that my relationship with blood is less than great. I don’t mind my own so much. It’s others that make me queasy.

I appear to be the only one that isn’t happy with our biology teacher’s revelation. The excitement is palpable.

Mr. Molina delivers a lecture on blood as he hands out the blood typing kits he purchased. He’s more than happy to cut himself short and let us get to the “fun”.

It takes about five minutes for the room to fill with the pungent smell of rusty, viscous iron. I’m trying to focus on reading the instructions that come with this little kit. The combination of nausea and lightheadedness has me reading the same direction for the fifth time without having an ounce of understanding on what it’s telling me.

My mouth begins to overflow with spit. With every successive swallow it becomes more difficult to do. I know what’s coming next. I am not throwing up in the middle of biology nor am I going to pass out.

I put down everything and leave. I walk far enough away from the room to not be swamped by that sickening smell. Mr. Molina is right on my heels.

“Is… Are you okay, Miss Swan? I’ve seen ghosts of a darker shade than you.” He chuckles to himself. To be fair, it would be funny if I wasn’t trying to keep down whatever I managed to eat at lunch.

I do my best at mumbling out a response. “I don’t do well with blood, sorry.”

“Ah! There’s always one. If you’d like to skip class then I won’t blame you. Just make sure you’ve got all the theory done by tomorrow. I will be checking!” He leaves me by my lonesome and I take several minutes of deep breathing to compose myself. The sterile air isn’t helping matters. I hold my breath, collect my things from biology, put them in my locker, and head out for some fresh air.

The biting chill of Forks’ wind has never been more inviting. Relief radiates through me almost instantly. The dizziness is all but gone. The nausea lingers. I take the few steps down into the car park and set myself on walking around a bit to clear the remaining sickness. Those plans are interrupted by an unexpected visitor sitting on the set of stairs outside the front office.

Alice smiles over at me, giggling. Her legs are stretched over the steps. She’s wearing the most eclectic skirt and leggings combination coupled with a huge sweater. It suits her.

“Absent, huh? Couldn’t have told me that we’d be pricking ourselves today?” I smirk. She looks up at me, one eye squinting. Her hair is more disheveled than usual. “How did you even know?” I add.

“I can see the future. Sometimes.” Her answer is given nonchalantly. I fail to stifle a laugh. It comes out as an ugly snort.

“The future.” I repeat.

“Ya-huh.”

“Like a psychic.”

“I prefer seer.”

Alice and I look at each other for several seconds. Her usually lucid smile and daydream eyes illuminate my vision. I’m still experiencing whiplash from finding her here without explanation. Having her try to convince me that she can see the future is another thing entirely.

I settle down next to her on the steps. Her head reflexively leans on my shoulder. “Bullshit.” I laugh.

She recoils back. That beautiful smile is replaced by an equally cute pout. “I can!”

“Is this a vampire thing then?” I’m still laughing. How stupid does she think I am?

Her pout gets stronger and more adorable. “It’s an Alice thing!” 

It’s difficult to draw my attention away from her eyes. The golden, honey glow appears brighter than usual. Maybe it’s the angle I’m seeing them from or perhaps it’s a trick of my own mind. Maybe I’ve missed her more than I realised.

The natural question plays on the tip of my tongue. “Can you prove it?”

She raises her arms a little and looks around. “I’m here, aren’t I? I saw you were sick and sad so I came to make you feel better!”

“And, how did you get here?” The next question that I had. There’s still only the one Cullen car in the parking lot. Unless they have a really average looking car that I haven’t spotted which I think is a bit of a stretch for them. Alice, however, has a simpler answer. “I ran.”

“You-” Alice cuts me off with a laugh. “Yes! I’ll prove it!”

Alice takes my hand and pulls me up as she stands. Standing in front of me, she hoists me up into a piggyback position effortlessly. I’m barely able to react quick enough to wrap my arms around her neck before she shoots off faster than a rocket. Everything in my vision warps into a blur. I have to close my eyes to stop my head from aching. My legs wrap around her waist and I hold on as tight as I can.

We stop almost as soon as we’ve left. Alice sets me down near a flowing creek. We’re surrounded by trees. They’re spaced out far enough that what little light peeking out from behind the clouds can bounce off the leaves.

I fall onto my back. The world is spinning. “Dude!” I gasp.” What the fuck? What in the actual fuck?!” Alice giggles and takes a spot next to me. She lays down on her back.

“How fast can you run?!” I’m still trying to catch my breath even though I didn’t do anything. Alice rests her head next to my shoulder once more.

“Faster than most cars. Longer too.” The sound of the forest, the birds and the slow stream, fill the silence between us. We’re not too far from civilization since I can hear cars driving by too. I’m starting to think that vampires might be more complex than I first gave them credit for.

“Huh.”

 

The slender rays of the Sun glimmer through the trees. The ground shimmers in spots from wherever the light kisses the earth. It’s beautiful. It’s peaceful. With Alice laying down next to me I feel like I’m a world away from the rest of my life; from school, from our families, and from whatever anxious hangups that have been plaguing me.

Alice’s skirt ripples in the gentle breeze. My fingers weave between the damp grass in an attempt to ground myself. I collect my thoughts. It’s harder than you’d expect.

“You’re really fast, you’ve got enhanced hearing, and you can see the future. What am I missing?” Alice sits up and I join her. She collects a rock from the edge of the creek and places it in the palm of her hand. It’s round and flat. The perfect rock for skimming across the water.

Slowly, I watch as her other hand comes to rest underneath her first. Her thumb pushes into the bottom of the stone and she moves it through the rock as if it were nothing more than sand. It leaves a thick indent. As she’s doing this, she speaks quietly like someone could hear us while we’re alone in the middle of some forest somewhere.

“All of our senses are enhanced. I can smell the brand of shampoo that you use. I can hear the beat of your galloping heart. I can see the deer tracks on that ridge over there.” The shape Alice traces into the surface of the stone begins to take form. It becomes clear that she’s tracing the outline of a heart. When she finishes, she blows away the ground rock and shows me the end product.

“We’re impossibly strong. The only way to defeat a vampire is by tearing them limb from limb and burning the remains. The ‘traditional’ methods don’t work. Garlic for instance…” Her cheeky smirk presents itself, I blush, and she takes my hand in her own to pass the rock onto me.

I trace the outline with my fingers. Unlike Alice, I cannot shift its form even the slightest. Little cracks have formed where the structure of the stone has given way but it still retains its shape. “I’m the only seer I’ve met. Some of us have our natural powers enhanced. Jasper is an empath: he feels the emotions of others and can even change a person’s mood. Edward can read minds.”

My entire body tenses. Jasper’s power makes complete sense and explains the calming effect he has on me. Edward’s has my heart in my throat. Alice giggles.

“Not yours. For whatever reason, his power doesn’t work on you.” I breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t care for an explanation of why that is right now. All that matters is my thoughts are safe.

Alice rises up and brushes away whatever dirt or grass has stuck to her clothes. She hops across the creek with ease and motions for me to follow. “There’s one last thing I want to show you. Suivez-moi, petit mouton.”

I stand to attempt the same jump Alice made - the rock is shoved deep into my front pocket. My feet barely reach the other side of the narrow river and as soon as they do I already know that my balance isn’t right. My arms swing wildly to try and steady myself. I’ve almost got this. I’ve got this! I’ve-

Alice grabs my hands and jerks me forward. I collapse into her arms only for her to prop me back up. “Fille maladroite! You will be the end of me, I swear!” Her laughter is insidious. It doesn’t stop me from smiling in her arms or enjoying her tenderness.

Separating from her, Alice takes my hand and slowly guides me further into the forest. The sounds of cars disappear until we’re surrounded completely by nature. Every couple of steps she glances up into the ever thickening canopy. She’s looking for something.

“Here!” She exclaims. It’s barely noticeable. The slightest break in the clouds, the slightest gap in the canopy that lets the faint light in from above.

Alice turns, grabbing both of my hands and walking backwards towards the light. “It’ll be sunny out tomorrow and the day after. So, you won’t see me.” I try to hide the disappointment that rides across my face. “I think I owe you an explanation, ma cherie.”

Her hands never leave my own as she steps into the light. If anything her grip gets tighter. I brace myself for those final few steps and fear the worst. Vampire stories haven’t done any good for me so far but that doesn’t stop the fear from pressing on my chest.

Alice steps into the sunlight. It’s impossible to react to what happens. My expression dances from shock to awe to absolute perplexity.

The sun crosses diagonally along her face and every bit of light that dances on her skin ignites into a fire of diamonds. It’s almost impossible to look directly at. At the same time, it’s difficult to look away. The brightness swirls around the afflicted area like wispy smoke that nearly obscures her face entirely. She, for lack of a better term, sparkles.

My breath disappears entirely. For the minute or so that Alice is obscured by her glow I’m not sure I have a single thought. All I can manage is to be enamoured by her beauty. With most girls it’s maddening to try and separate my desire to be with them from my desire to be them. My affection for Alice gobbles up my envy for breakfast and spits out the bones. It leaves no confusion to be had.

What replaces that jealousy is a big, ugly pile of guilt. Guilt that I’m falling in love with a taken woman, guilt that I could be putting a wedge between a happy couple, and guilt that I could be leading her on in regards to what I am.

The Sun disappears back behind the clouds quickly enough. It leaves Alice’s gleaming face is clear once more. 

“You’re beautiful.” I quietly tell her.

“It’s pretty cool, right?!” She bounces, squeezing my hands.

My sight wanders down to her lips as I try to steady my heavy breathing. I nibble on my own, capturing it between my teeth, as I stare for much longer than I ever should. Alice appears oblivious. Thankfully, I look away before it becomes weird. The only remnants of my stupid actions is the blush on my cheeks.

Alice tugs on my arm. I don’t meet her eyes as my own linger on the ground, my shoes, anything but her face. “C’mon, you should be getting back. I hear your tutor got you a handsome replacement for today.”

Her winking is adorable. It would be much cuter if she wasn’t talking about her boyfriend in the previous sentence.


	14. Third Time’s A Charm?

The following week is shit.

What more can I say? I’ve fallen hard for my best friend and it fucking sucks. Every text message, every hug, every tiny interaction between us has me succumbing to a bottomless pit of guilt. Nothing I do is harmless and if I do nothing then I’ll lose her for good. I’m starting to wonder if that’s what’s best for both of us.

The weekend brings some relief in the form of solitude. Charlie’s gone out fishing with Billy and I’ve got the house to myself. Which means that I’m curled up in my bed alternating between tumblr and reading. It’s the only thing I can manage with the ache in my chest.

On top of that, it’s been raining all week. I’ve never seen anything like it. Half the town is flooded from the torrential downpour and Charlie shrugs it off like it happens every year.

Because it fucking does.

Which is why I’m surprised that someone’s at my front door. Their pounding fist manages to cut through the sound of the rain. I trudge downstairs, pulling on a flannel along the way, to see who it is.

Standing on my front steps is a almost entirely drenched Jacob Black. His tight bun and face are completely dry. Then I spot the two full-face motorbike helmets in his hands.

“Dude, what the fuck? Let me get you a towel.” His dirt bike, the same one he rode the last time I saw him, is standing right behind him. The engine’s still running.

“Nah, screw that. C’mon, let me give you a ride. It’s the perfect weather for it!” His face expands into that stupid smile of his. I hate that I smile too. I fold my arms and try to summon my best Rosalie impression. “You don’t talk to me for weeks, show up to my house unannounced, and expect me to ride off in the pouring rain with you? You’re batshit.”

Jacob, seemingly unphased by my glare and cocked hips, shrugs. “Look, I promise I’ll make it up to you if you hang out with me.”

He doesn’t try to apologise. He doesn’t try to offer an explanation. I spent weeks battling with self-loathing because I thought I did something wrong. Now he’s acting like that our time apart didn’t even matter. I should be furious.

But I’m not. Right now I need a distraction from everything that is Alice Cullen and Jacob, as per usual, offers the perfect distraction. A distraction that comes in the form of something dangerous and definitely deranged. How could I pass up that offer?

“Fuck it. Let’s go.” I take the helmet that he offers me and force it down over my head. It’s as claustrophobic as I remember it. To top it off, it’s so humid that I can feel my breath floating around in this disgusting bubble with me.

The rain is cold. I could be convinced that it’s freezing on contact with my body. It’s a new sensation and it’s one that manages to remind me that I’m alive, I’m here, and I’m more than the awful things I tell myself. Without even trying Jacob manages to make me feel better than anyone else has all week. It’s a stark reminder of why I think I like him in the first place.

I come to a stop several steps outside my front door. There’s only one bike. Jacob mounts it and waits for me to do the same.

I’m not sure if I’m exactly comfortable with what’s about to happen but, on a second thought, I think riding in the rain might be worse. While it isn’t what I’d like to be doing right now, I swing my leg over the bike and settle in. With very little choice given the lack of room, my arms wrap around Jake. I hold onto him for dear life.

The bike takes off slowly into the wet. It’s not long before I’m as soaked as he is. The rain hits us at such a speed that it stings a little but the boy sitting in front of me is twice my size and as such: a perfect shield.

Being a passenger on the back of a dirt bike is completely different to driving one myself. Any sense of freedom or weightless is impossible to achieve when someone else is dictating the speed and direction. It’s more akin to being on a rollercoaster. I’ve got no control over what’s happening. All I can do is trust that we don’t crash. Given the weather I don’t have a lot of faith.

Jake isn’t filling me with confidence either. My arms tighten around him as we zip around slower cars. His size makes it impossible to comfortably see where we’re going. I look to the left and scream as Jake veers off road the road. We cut across grass and dive into the forest.

He’s slow to dart between the trees, speeding up in the small clearings that he finds. It’s nothing compared to how fast Alice can run and I’m more than okay with that. There’s no track to speak of causing the bike to chaotically smash against my thighs as it tries to find grip on the uneven ground. It hurts.

I keep the side of my helmet pressed into his back. Watching the trees rush past us helps calm my nerves. The colours of the world melt together only to take form when the bike slows down and then they swirl together again as it picks up speed. The constant shifting and changing leaves it impossible for my nerves to settle. The adrenaline pumping through my body is sending my fight or flight response into berserk mode as if it’s flickering, panicking light that can’t decide if it’s on or off.

We do approach something of a rhythm although I’m not sure if Jake knows where he’s going. He does ride with confidence but that doesn’t settle my nerves one bit. We’re heading uphill, deeper into the forest, and our chances of getting lost increase every second. The canopy above us thickens leaving something of a barrier between us and the rain.

My legs are almost numb, the sound is deafening, my grip on Jake couldn’t be tighter, and yet I’m giving into fear in a way that’s actually helpful for once. It’s not a great feeling. It’s simply distracting in the way that I think I needed today more than ever. I’m not saying that I’m ever going to become a daredevil or adrenaline junkie. There’s simply something magical about acknowledging your fragility and slamming headfirst into danger. Fuck the consequences.

The problem is that the fun only exists when the danger is self-inflicted.

I spot something out of the corner of my eye that has fear shooting through every inch of my body. Never have I had a reaction so instinctual - so primal. If I hadn’t seen it happen before I could have passed it off as a trick of the light. However, I know better. I know what I just saw.

A vampire.

The only identifying feature is blonde hair and I notice it for less than a second. My first thought, my first hope, is that it’s Rosalie or Jasper but I know that neither of them would risk being discovered by a human. Especially not the former. My throat narrows as I tug hard on Jacob’s shirt.

He stops at on flat ground. His leg stomps into the mud and supports the weight of the bike. With one swift movement, he flips the visor of his helmet up, and looks over his shoulder towards me. “You okay?”

Stopping is the last thing I want. I push my visor up too albeit with much less grace. It takes way more struggle than it should to finally expose my face. “I saw something. A cold one.” I breathe out. My voice is gravelly. I can barely talk. “We need to get somewhere populated. Quick.”

If there truly is a vampire around then they’ve already heard me. They know I know. All I can hope is that my knowledge is enough to keep us alive.

“Bells, I don’t think-”

“Jacob!” I shout.

He doesn’t say anything else. He pushes his visor down, I do the same, and we charge off down the slope. There’s another flash sprinting off in front of us. It’s closer this time. I’m all but sure that it’s not any of the Cullens.

“Please, please, please.” I mutter under my breath. “Please don’t hurt us. I know you’re a vampire but please.”

The trees are getting thinner. This downhill escape is causing my stomach to turn and the nausea inside of me to build. The rain is breaking through the leaves and the branches and pelting our saturated clothes with no remorse. My helmet is so blurred from the rain that it’s impossible to see if we’re safe.

I can feel it though. Some primal sixth sense within me is being triggered. It’s like an alarm telling me that I’m being followed. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re out alone at night or walking down the back alleys of unknown streets. It causes the hair to prickle on the back of your neck and your breath to become shallow.

On top of this, there’s a war raging on inside my head. I’m trying to figure out why we’re not dead yet. A vampire can outrun a dirt bike without exerting any effort. Alice has shown me that much. If this person truly wanted us dead then we’d be dead so why are they letting us live? I can only hope that somehow my knowledge has kept us safe.

The break out of the forest comes with a sigh of relief. We’re not completely out of the woods yet, metaphorically speaking, because an empty road doesn’t have anymore protections than a lonely forest. There’s no houses to speak of either. As I look back behind us to check for some speck of civilization, wiping the rain from the visor, I spot him.

He’s barely there for a second, standing in the road. His strong legs shoulder-width apart, his blonde hair tied into a tight bun like Jake’s, and his worn leather jacket hanging off his shoulders. We’re dead. We’re so fucking dead.

Then the vampire disappears. A horn blares, rain clouds my vision and it’s filled with the blinding light of a truck.

Several minutes later we’re pulling into a gas station. Jake parks the bike underneath some cover and I weasel my way off. My legs are weak. I collapse onto my hands and knees. The helmet comes off with as much of a fight as it can put up. I’m going to fucking barf.

The rain’s still dripping off me as Jacob kneels down beside me with his hand on my back. “I saw him.” I gasp. No matter how hard or how fast I breathe my lungs won’t fill up with air.

“It was probably one of the Cu-”

“He was standing in the middle of the fucking road! He was going to kill us!” I shout. I roll onto my back and stare up at the spinning world. The helmet is abandoned beside me.

Jacob’s completely lost. I can see it in his eyes. To his credit, he does the smartest thing that he could probably do and lays down beside me.

“We’re safe now.” His large hand takes mine. The many calluses on his skin are rough against my own. My other hand shakes as it fishes my phone out of my pocket and I struggle with my wet fingers to send a message to Alice. “Please tell me that you’ve got visitors staying in Forks.”

The response back is immediate. “We’re in Alaska for the weekend. What’s up?”

I show Jake the text. I don’t respond. We lay together on the hard, cold, wet concrete next to his bike and stare up at the metal ceiling above us. “We could have died.” My voice wobbles.

“But we didn’t. We’re safe, Bells.” His voice is strong, resolute, and his idiotic confidence does more than enough to slowly work on calming my shaken nerves. It doesn’t hurt that Jacob squeezes my hand in the exact same way that Alice does whenever I’m anxious.

Time passes slowly. The sound of rain smashing onto the tin roof is obnoxious. The weird looks we get from every person that drives into the station is worse. It’s okay though because I’m not ready to face the world again. Jacob, for all his faults, stays with me. He doesn’t push, he doesn’t fill the void with aimless chatter, he just stays on the damp and uncomfortable floor with me.

“I like spending time with you.” I tell him. His face turns to meet my gaze and his dumb smile has never been wider. “Yeah?” He asks.

“Yeah. You get me, I think. I don’t know if it’s intentional but you know what I need before I know I need it?” I mumble and muse.

He sits up, letting go of my hand, and looks down at me. His lips move as if he’s trying to say something but can’t quite build up the courage. Every time he’s got a grasp on it the words manage to wriggle away. It’s kind of cute.

“Go on a date with me.”

The sound of tires screeching rattles in my head. I sit up. “What?!” I ask. I try to keep myself calm but I can’t help but sound pretty aggressive.

“Go on a date with me.” He repeats.

How do you say “fuck no” with politeness?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s super flattering. It’s unbelievably flattering. I never thought I’d find someone who wanted to date me despite that major fuck up with my birth.

However, it’s still Jacob. He’s still a kid and I’m still not attracted to him in any way.

“I… I don’t feel that way about you, dude. Sorry.” I try to sound as sympathetic as possible. I’m not sure how well it comes off. I watch his face drop. “Oh.”

“We’re still friends though, right?” My voice shakes a little. Jacob’s smile returns albeit with a thousand percent more pain. I shouldn’t feel as bad about this as I do. His disappointment cuts through my body like a knife and twists in my gut.

“Yeah, totally!”

Somehow, I’m not entirely convinced. With nothing but his word, I stand up and look down at the massive puddle we’ve made on the floor. I let out a little chuckle and offer Jacob my hand which he graciously takes. I don’t think I actually help in pulling him off the ground since he weighs twice as much as me on a bad day but hopefully the gesture means something.

It’s a little more than awkward hopping back on the bike and hugging Jacob close. We take the road back to my house and, although I’m fixated on what just happened, I’m a total meerkat watching out for any sign of the intimidating vampire.

The whole ride home my phone is vibrating. The sound of its ring is impossible to hear over the deafening rain the rumble of the bike. When we finally do arrive home, Jake lets the bike relax. The engine is turned off. I take off my helmet and hand it to him.

“I’ll talk to you later, yeah? Text me.” The rain is little more than an annoyance at this point. We’re so drenched that it doesn’t really matter.

Jake nods. His eyes are glazed over. 

“Sure.”

My hand reaches out and grabs his wrist with lightning fast speed. One minute it’s by my side and the next I’m holding onto his tree trunk of a forearm. My gaze pierces his own. “No, this isn’t happening again. I care about you, dude. I want to be friends with you. Please don’t let this get between us because I’m not some girl you can pay attention to whenever you decide is good for you.”

He breaks eye contact long before I do. His head stares at the ground. Gradually, his lips curl into that puppy dog smirk I love so much.

“I’ll text ya. Stay cool, Bells.” The visor of his helmet is flattened down and he kick-starts the motor. I watch as Jacob disappears down the street.

As weird as he may have made things, I’m really hoping that Jake stays true to his word. For now, I head inside to shower and once I’m done with that I should probably answer Alice. She’s only tried to call me fifteen times.

Fifteen times?!


	15. Enter The Lair

True to her word, the Cullens are absent on Wednesday and Thursday and the Sun is out for the first time in forever. Alice and I keep in touch by texting all throughout the two days. Most of my time is spent with my head looking down at my phone much to the annoyance of my friends and Charlie.

Using texting as our only form of communication presents itself with a rather large problem. You see, without tone or body language it’s stupidly easy to misconstrue everything Alice says as flirting. I thought her overly affectionate and physical friendliness was bad enough. Try receiving an innocent message with half a dozen kissy emojis. 

It’s unbelievably stupid of me to read any further into a simple “I miss you” and yet I spend most of my free time agonizing over some hidden meaning that must be there. It’s the exact same stupidity that allows me to envision myself in a romance with her despite her being straight, despite her being in a relationship, and despite me being trans. Isn’t it wonderful?

No, it’s paramount to torture.

I’m almost able to breathe a sigh of relief when Alice shows up on Friday morning and captures me in her tight embrace. My friends stand around awkwardly, unsure of how to react, as Alice squeezes the air from my lungs. Finally, I can stop telling myself that something will happen between us.

But then her hug lingers for a bit longer than it should. The scent of wildflowers fills my senses and I’m intoxicated once more.

It is nice to finally be able to introduce her officially to my friends. Even if it is a little awkward with her hand around my waist and her head leaning against my arm. The rest of the Cullens watch with their usual curiosity. 

Jasper is as happy as he normally is which is to say that I can’t tell if he’s smiling or seething. I’m not sure what’s better. Either one sits in my stomach like a rock.

The day passes with an exceptionally affectionate Alice. Like Jasper several days ago, Alice tries to get me to sit with her family at lunch. My resolve is a lot stronger this time and I outright refuse her no matter how hard she begs and, believe me, it’s fucking adorable to watch her beg. Adorable and, well, I’m sure you can fill in the blanks for yourself.

When the day comes to an end, Alice leads me to her car. The other Cullens have already left and it’s no doubt because of what’s coming this afternoon. Alice has invited me over to her house. As much as I would have liked to have gotten out of it, I already accepted weeks ago.

“You’re nervous.” Alice points out. We’re both sitting in her fancy car as she pulls out of the school carpark with much more grace than your average seventeen year-old.

I stare out the window. “Am not.”

“Oh? And, your heart is galloping because…?” The sentence wanders. I ignore the pounding in my chest and how every part of my body is warm to the touch despite the perpetually cold weather in this town.

“Because shut up. That’s why.” I smirk. Alice giggles. “My family loves you already. You have nothing to worry about, ma cherie.”

I find that hard to believe. I don’t question Alice lest the conversation turns ugly.

The drive from school to the Cullen’s house is a long one. The winding road that leads up to their house is longer than my usual commute to school. Alice makes it shorter by using the speed limit as a guideline more than a hard rule. It shouldn’t be much surprised that we’re deep in the forest by the time we arrive at their home.

The Cullen’s house itself resembles a modernized log cabin. A combination of wood panels and dark brick cause the house to blend in with the surrounding trees in such a way that it seems like a natural part of the landscape. Compared to the family’s fashion and car choice, their home is fairly subtle. If you ignore its location, its immense size, and the gigantic floor to ceiling windows that surround the building.

Alice pulls into their circular driveway as I’m staring up at the three stories. “Whoa.” I mouth.

“Do you like it?” Alice wonders.

“It’s gorgeous.” I reply, mouth agape. She lets out a little laugh. “Esme will be happy. She designed it herself.”

“You know, for a family of vampires that’s trying to blend in with human society, you don’t do subtle very well.” I joke. If a crease could form between Alice’s eyebrows then it would. However, her skin resembles living marble just as it always does.

“What do you mean?” I think she’s joking for a minute but it dawns on me that she’s completely serious. I don’t even know where to begin. “It’s nothing. A bad joke. Are we going in?”

I reach for the door handle only for Alice to reach out for me. “Wait!” She yells. “I… Um… Promise that… That no matter what happens you won’t think badly of my family?”

It’s difficult not to be concerned when presented with that question. I stare at Alice for moments longer. Part of me is trying to puzzle out what she means. Part of me wants to protect this worried, little girl.

“Is something going to happen?” She squeezes her eyes shut and grimaces. “I had a vision. I can’t say much. What’s going to happen needs to happen.”

“Alice,” I half-laugh. “I need more than that.”

“I can’t.”

She opens her eyes and I look deeply into them. After all that’s happened, after vampires and our horrible first impressions, what could have her so thoroughly spooked? Alice leans across the seat and takes both of my hands in hers. My heart flutters like a butterfly.

“Promise.” She repeats.

I blink, pause, and finally nod. “Okay, I promise.”

“Awesome!” Alice chimes. The tension that she so expertly built between us dissipates in an instant. Before I can react she’s already out of the car and skipping around to my side. I step out and follow her up the front steps of her house with my hands in my pockets and the tension collecting in my shoulders.

Alice opens the door to the biggest living room I’ve ever laid my eyes on. The entire back wall is made of glass which gives a view of the forest floor and the babbling creek that runs through it. What little natural light Forks can muster radiates on the floorboards giving the whole house a feeling of warmth which is pretty ironic considering, you know, vampires.

A large, L-shaped couch sits towards the side of the room. It could easily fit every family member on it and then some. Right now it’s occupied by Jasper and Emmett at one end with Rosalie at the other. Her legs are tucked underneath her, a book propped up on her thighs, while the boys play plastic instruments that are connected to the game displayed on their movie theater-esque TV.

Right next to the front door is a handful of hooks for coats and the like which are conspicuously empty. I hang my jacket on one and kick my shoes off after Alice. Our shoes are the only ones resting next to a basket full of umbrellas.

“I suppose it’s not too hard to run your things up to your room, yeah?” I chuckle quietly. Alice laughs along with me. She opens her mouth to speak only to be cut off by Emmett’s booming voice. He launches from his seat, knocking over the fake drum kit in front of him, and high fives Jasper who’s wearing a bright smile.

“Fuck yeah! We fucking smashed that!” Emmett bounds across the room with his impossibly large legs and without warning I’m swamped up in the closest thing I’ll ever experience to a hug from a literal bear. I’m spun around in his tree trunk arms then dropped to the ground. I almost lose my balance. Alice knows me well enough to help steady me. Her touch is tender on my shoulders.

I blink a couple times as the world slowly spins around me. “Damn! I forget how fragile humans are.” He pats me on the back with a dainty touch. His hand barely makes contact. Judging by his shit-eating grin, I think he’s mocking me.

“Why don’t you try me in an arm wrestle then? Dude, you haven’t seen my guns yet.” I chuckle. God, I hope that joke lands.

Emmett lets out a hearty chuckle that booms throughout the room. I almost flinch.

“That’s just Bella.” Alice chimes. I blush. Both Jasper and Rosalie’s eyes dart in my direction out of instinct. I swear I spot Jasper’s turn a darker shade. Alice pulls me closer to her. Her grip becomes protective. “Can you two stop looking at my best friend like she’s lunch? Go hunt.”

Jasper nods. “I’ll go meet up with Edward. Rose?” She rolls her eyes and spits out. “I’m fine.” Jasper disappears in a blur. Emmett joins his girlfriend on the couch. His hand rests on her thigh as he reads over her shoulder.

Alice shows me around the house. It’s immensely beautiful although I don’t quite understand why they have bathrooms and a kitchen. It seems impolite to ask.

We meet Esme and Carlisle in the library. I have to struggle to be polite because every inch of me wants to scour this room from top to bottom. The walls are lined with cramped bookshelves that I want to lose myself in. My jaw never leaves the floor.

Esme pulls me into a warm, loving hug. This time I manage not to cry even though I do want to stay in her arms forever. How one person, to a stranger nonetheless, could be so naturally caring is beyond me. “Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m so happy you like the house.”

“You heard that?” I exclaim, eyes bulging. Alice told me about their super hearing but this is taking it to the extreme. The vampires, however, laugh pleasantly.

Carlisle joins Esme’s side as she steps back. His arm naturally slips around Esme’s shoulders like it was made to her specifications. “Enhanced hearing. Makes it hard to keep secrets but you get used to it.”

Alice rolls her eyes. “Just be glad you don’t have Edward rummaging around in your head. I’m so jealous of you.”

It’s impossible to resist the allure of the books any longer. I let my eyes wander over the many spines and make note of titles that sound the slightest bit interesting. “You can borrow my defective brain any time you’d like. Free of charge.”

The self-deprecating humour doesn’t go over as well as I’d like. Silence fills the room. Esme reaches out. She rubs my tight shoulder. “Sweetheart, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Carlisle continues. “It’s a gift. Alice has her visions. You have your… shield.”

That’s the nicest way someone’s ever called me closed off or cold.

I’m able to drift away from Alice enough that I can get a better look at the shelves. “Our school’s library is smaller than this. I’m so fu- jealous.” I catch my swear before it escapes my lips. Carlisle chuckles. Esme less so but her smile is radiant.

“You’re welcome to borrow anything you want.” Carlisle tells me. 

My eyelids narrow as something hits me. This doesn’t make quite a lot of sense. “They’re all new-ish. Like, they’re books from the last decade or two.” I turn my head to the lovebirds. The accusatory tone in what I say next is hard to disguise. “You don’t enjoy the classics?”

Another chuckle. Carlisle squeezes Esme close. “We try not to hoard. Most of our collection goes to charity.”

“You mean this is only some of what you’ve owned?!”

“Okay! Enough books! Time to show you my chambre à coucher.” Alice takes my hand and pulls me from my own personal heaven and into her bedroom. I try to resist for as long as I can which isn’t long at all. The smell of aged paper lingers in my nose. It is heaven.

Alice’s room is several times the size of my own however it’s not as visually loud as I expected. The walls are painted a gentle lilac. Fairy lights are hung above her king sized bed. Soft carpet wriggles in between my toes and a gentle breeze trickles in through an open window. The right wall hosts a door and a collection of photographs that start at the centre and spread outwards to form a circle of memories.

I look over them, noting it’s mostly landscapes of various places. The photos in the centre are showing their age. They’re wispy around the edges and the colour has faded. As the photos spread out they become more clear, more vibrant, and the evolution of technology becomes more obvious. Towards the outer edges of her collection there’s more pictures of her family and a significant number of pictures of her and Jasper.

The photographs of her and Jasper are much more mundane and much less professional than the earlier ones. There’s one of him simply drawing in a sketchbook, another of them cuddled together on their bed, and so forth. Most importantly, they’re happy.

I hear Alice flop down on the bed behind me. Her feet dangle off the edge. I take a seat next to her, hands squeezing at the soft duvet. My feet touch the ground 

“I… I try to keep as much evidence of my memories as possible.” She tells me. “I don’t remember being human. I don’t want that to happen again.”

There’s a pain in her voice. A struggle that I haven’t heard before. “Nothing?” I ask.

“Not a single thing.” She replies.

I ignore the butterflies in my stomach as her head leans on one another. Several pictures of her boyfriend stare at our embrace. It ruins what could be a tender moment. Guilt bleeds into my stomach like the ugly, viscous substance that it is as I wonder if I’ll find anyone that will make me as happy as Jasper makes Alice.

“I’m sorry.” I breathe. I feel her shrug with her opposite shoulder.

A couple minutes of silence pass as I pretend to look over the pictures. The truth is that I don’t want to move from this position. I hate how right this feels. I hate that I’m finally comfortable enough with myself to crush on a girl and she’s completely unavailable. Moreover, I hate that the best friendship I’ve ever had without question is plagued by this sense of foreboding guilt.

My curiosity does get the better of me though. “Why do you have your own bathroom?” I question. Alice nuzzles her nose into the back of my shoulder and I can feel the vibrations on my skin as she hides her laugh.

“It’s not a bathroom, silly. Come, I’ll show you.” Alice takes me by the hand and we make our way into the adjacent room. Inside, Alice flips a light switch and the room comes into view.

Initially, I’m not quite sure what I’m looking at. A factor that isn’t helped by the gargantuan mirror that covers almost the entire wall opposite the entrance. Entire bookshelves are filled not with books but delicately placed shoes illuminated with small lights. Racks upon racks of clothes are placed sporadically along the walls and they host more clothes than I could possibly count. A large counter sits in the middle of the room: an island. A lone chair is off to the side.

It’s a closet.

That’s bigger than almost the entire second story of my house.

I’m speechless. It’s only when Alice prompts me for an opinion that I can speak. “Why?” Her entire body bounces as she laughs again. “Because I like pretty things! Like clothes.”

“Dude, this is… Like… A lot.” I tell her. I’m still trying to take in everything that I’m seeing. It hasn’t quite settled in me that she owns enough clothes to have a fucking walk-in closet. All the while I’m reeling from not having Alice’s body close to mine.

Tiny, meandering steps are taken over to the other side of the room. She circles around the island, her fingers glide across the marble top, and she stops in front of the mirror. “I don’t keep everything I buy.” She states as she picks through her hair, fixing it. “Most of it goes to thrift stores and charities when I haven’t wore it in a while.”

I wander along the outer edges of the room. I take in the clothes that Alice owns and the minor jealousy I have over being able to wear whatever you’d like without issue. It’s not too long before I end up seated on the counter top. This time my feet do swing over the edge.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning lots of clothes. I’ve… It’s…” I grimace a little. “Fashion is difficult for me.”

Watching Alice tidy herself in the reflection of the mirror is a simple pleasure. The analytical gaze with which she regards herself is breathtaking. The lights of the room are placed so precisely that her every perfection of her body is elucidated as is every flaw. The two dichotomies combine to create someone that constantly reminds me of how fucking gay I am for pretty girls.

Finally, she spins on her heel and skips over to me. The palms of her hands are placed either side of my body - capturing me in her midst. There’s a glint of something in her eyes. It’s unfamiliar, unplaceable. It’s only when she nibbles on her lower lip that I begin to think I might know what that is.

“Why?” She asks. I stare down at her. I watch her soft lips. Never have I wanted to kiss another person so badly. It’s indecent, improper, and wildly inconsiderate. And yet…

That look disappears. Her face sours. What did I do? Any semblance of relaxation disappears. “Shit.” I flinch at Alice’s curse. “It’s happening sooner than I saw. I’m sorry. We have to go.”

My hand’s taken without consideration. Alice tugs so hard that I nearly have to jog to keep up with her. The sounds of Rosalie yelling can be heard before we even descend down the wide, wooden staircase onto the ground floor. Carlisle and Esme are trying to calm down Rosalie’s rage. Emmett stands with his arms folded. He’s not doing anything.

“No, I won’t fucking calm down! This is fucking bullshit and you all know it!” Rosalie’s hands are gesturing with such sharpness that even standing several feet away my body is screaming at me to run. Alice’s hand squeezes down hard on my own. Enough that there’s a gentle pain.

Rosalie’s eyes meet mine. My heart’s thundering for a completely different reason than before. I am literally shaking. Alice squeezes my hand again. She takes a step forward and lets part of her body cover mine.

Rose’s glare isn’t any kinder to Alice. Her voice is seething. “I hope you’re okay with putting us all in danger. The Volturi will find about this and they will not be kind.”

“I’m aware.” Alice responds. By comparison, she’s much calmer. To see this tiny woman stand her ground against someone as fierce and threatening as Rosalie is a sight. One that I might be able to enjoy if it wasn’t making me tremble.

“And what?! You’ll be able to stomach seeing us beheaded one by one?” As Rosalie speaks the pain in her voice shows through and surpasses the anger. She can’t stop her voice from breaking. “Your selfishness will be our end - her end too. Enjoy living with that, cupcake.”

Esme’s calm voice cuts through the vile energy. “Love, we voted like always. It-”

“It’s bullshit!” She shouts. Her voice booms through the house. I’ve barely noticed that I’ve crept a little behind Alice.

My voice is barely a squeak. “V-Voted?” I ask.

Carlisle folds his arms and looks to me. His speaks with a stern tone. “It’s what we do whenever an issue affects the entire family. Such as inviting a human into our midst.”

My gaze flickers to Rosalie. It’s casually swatted away by her own. I stare at the floorboards. “Do I get a say?”

“This’ll be good.” She snaps. Her arms fold, she cocks her hip to the side. Alice steps away from in front of me as several pairs of eyes turn their focus to the human who’s about to piss her pants.

I take a deep breath but it’s staggered and irregular. Alice lifts my head with her fingers to see her own. “It’s okay.” Those magic words give me the confidence boost I need.

The second deep breath goes much better. My eyes return to the ground. “I’m not gonna pretend like I know anything about how hard it’s been for you guys. Or what danger you’re putting yourself in. I appreciate it all so much.”

I fidget a little. My weight shifts from one side of my body then back to the next. The expression on my face changes with little twitches. What I’m about to say is difficult.

“But I don’t want to be the cause of all this. If I’m causing a rift in your family then I shouldn’t be here. Simple.” Alice squeezes my hand. “No.”

Carlisle smiles. If I didn’t know any better then I would say there’s a sense of pride in his expression. “Well put, Bella.”

Emmett finally speaks. His deep voice cuts through anything anyone was about to say. “All the more reason for you to be here.”

My heart shatters upon seeing the betrayal in Rosalie’s eyes. She looks upon her boyfriend with utter contempt and it’s clearly not easy for Emmett to withstand. “You voted against her!” The words are spoken through clenched teeth. “One little speech and your judgment is clouded by pity?!”

“Babe, she’s putting our family above herself. Isn’t that worth something?” The others nod with approval. I’m standing here in a blanket of discomfort.

“You know what?” She cackles. “Fuck this! If you want a death sentence then I’m out. Good riddance.” Rosalie disappears in a blur of light leaving nothing but an open door. Emmett shakes his head. He’s about to run after her only for Esme to stop her.

“Give her a bit. She needs to calm down by herself.” She half-smiles. Emmett nods and holds himself. Carlisle holds Esme.

I’m still kind of shaking. Alice hasn’t moved as she looks upon the spot where Rosalie stood. I force myself to move in front of her. Her sister might have left a knife in my gut but I need to make sure she’s okay. I need to be the person that I wish had been there for me.

I hug her tight. She barely moves. “You never told me about this.” I whisper.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” My arms squeeze her tightly. Finally, she moves to hold me. Her face buries into my shoulder and I gently rub her back.

“Silly girl.” I chuckle. She laughs a little. It’s quiet and barely there but it’s a laugh.

There’s a comforting group hug from Esme and a pat on the shoulder from Carlisle. For the most part, it’s just the two of us standing in the room and holding one another. Our touch is all that’s needed to suture the wound left by Rosalie’s words.

I am hurt by what she said. However, I’m mostly confused. Now doesn’t feel like the time nor the place to ask questions. That doesn’t stop foreign words and concepts swimming around in my head. First of all, what’s The Volturi? Second of all, how am I a danger? Surely I’ve proven myself to be trustworthy by now.

Alice and I migrate to the couch to lessen the strain on my weak, human knees: a comment that makes her laugh. When I sit down I expect Alice to lean on my shoulder like she has so many times before. I’m taken off guard by her head using my thigh like a pillow. My body tenses. I breathe in sharply. Alice notices immediately.

“Is this okay?” Her voice rings hollow. The pain is still evident. I nod, forcing myself to relax as much as I can.

We spend our time like this for most of the afternoon. Alice diddles with her Blackberry while I scroll through my own phone and use my free hand to play with her hair much to her delight. The quiet of the house is eerie. Carlisle’s upstairs doing something and Esme and Emmett have already left.

Jasper and Edward return soon after. Both of them take their seat on the couch. Edward is quiet and distant while Jasper’s lap is used as a rest for Alice’s feet. The presence of his ability is felt from the instant he sits down. Happiness radiates from him like an aura. I can see Alice smiling. I can’t help but smile too.

There’s small talk about what happened. Details aren’t covered. It isn’t the time for that. The silence we’re sharing might not be the most comfortable with the two boys here but it’s healing. Forcing a conversation that doesn’t want to be there would pushing things in the wrong direction.

It’s also slightly uncomfortable because of my stupid envy. I know that Jasper’s ability lets him make people happy in a literal second. I know that comparing the strength of a couple month old friendship to a romantic relationship forged over decades is unfair. Yet I still wish I could make Alice happy like he does.

What natural lighting the Cullen’s house can afford in dreary, overcast Forks is beginning to fade. Jasper squeezes Alice’s ankle. “It’s getting late. You should be getting home, Bella.”

“It is getting near the curfew that I definitely have.” I smirk. 

Alice makes a noise from her throat that could only be described as “hella cute”. She wriggles. “I’ll get my keys.”

Jasper keeps his hand on her leg. “Do you mind if I take Bella home, sweetheart? There’s something I want to talk to her about.”

My stomach drops. Jasper’s face looks to mine. “No need to look so pale, ma’am. It’s nothing bad, I assure you.” The southern accent and his insistence on unintentionally gendering me correctly go along way in calming my nerves.

Without much choice in the matter, Alice hugs me goodbye. It’s another lingering hug. One that has me rubbing her back and her nuzzling her cheek directly into my chest. It’s only when I compose myself that I realise her ear is pressed to my beating heart. “Merci mon amour.” She quietly speaks.

A cough from Jasper has us separating. My cheeks are much redder than Alice’s. Whether she’s as embarrassed as I am I cannot tell. Maybe I’m reading too much into an innocent situation. That definitely sounds like something I would repeatedly do.

Together, Jasper and I get into the same car that Alice and I arrived in. I fidget in my seat as we pull away from the house and into the long stretch of road that leads out of the forest. Jasper’s eyes are on the road.

“How are you holdin’ up?” It’s a tough question. One that I’m not quite sure I know the answer to. There’s a lot of strange emotions running through me and I wouldn’t know where to begin in explaining them.

That’s when I squint and turn my head to Jasper. “You don’t need to ask that, do you?”

He chuckles. “No ma’am. Just tryin’ to put you at ease.”

Try as I like, it’s difficult not to fall victim to Jasper’s charm. It leaves me with the burning curiosity of whether that’s also a part of his ability or whether that’s au naturel Jasper.

That’s right, I can speak French too. Take that Alice!

“I suppose you’ve got questions?” He drawls.

“You know the answer to that too.” I parry.

He nods, the beginning of a smirk curling on his lips. “I do. Whether you want to ask them or not is up to you.”

Jasper drives slowly compared to Alice. It’s a hell of a lot more relaxing but it does mean that I’m stuck in this drive with him for much longer. Regardless, it doesn’t take much for the first question to pop out of my mouth.

“What are The Volturi?”

I’m not sure I fully understand what they are by the time Jasper has finished his explanation. From what I can gather, they’re somewhere between a government and law enforcement for vampires. Their rules, for the most part, are simple: keep vampire society secret.

I can’t quite get a read on whether he likes them or not. I want to say that he’s neutral on their presence but I’m not quite sure. He appears to be holding his cards close to his chest.

I nod along. “So, because you’ve let one human know that you exist… You could be executed?”

“It’s not that simple.” He sighs. “Worst case scenario, yes.”

I’m not quite sympathetic to Rosalie’s outburst. At least now I see where she’s coming from.

The car ride continues with little more than the quiet sound of the radio. It takes a bit but eventually we’re pulling up to my house. I take off my seatbelt. Jasper puts the car in park.

“Before you go, I want to let you know that you have nothing to be jealous about.” My body tenses only for Jasper’s calm to brush over me. It has the opposite effect than what he intended - only serving to make the interior of the car close in on me. Jasper, to his credit, pushes on. “Alice cares deeply about you and I would never come between that. No matter what the rest of my family thinks, I want the two of you to be happy.”

His words release tension much better than his ability does. However, the stress still aches in my neck and shoulders. “Thank you. I… I just don’t want to hurt you guys.”

There’s hesitation. Jasper’s hand raises an inch or two off his thigh. It stays there for a second or two before he places it gently, almost too gently, on my shoulder. It would not be the most comforting gesture if it wasn’t for the incredible sentiment behind it.

“Bella, hun, this isn’t the first time that our family has had to adjust to something new. There’s growin’ pains, sure, but that’s not a problem with you. That’s on us.” There’s a squeeze of his hand that’s comparable to a butterfly landing upon my shoulder. 

The amount of restraint he’s showing is actually kinda cute?

I smile, nibbling on my lip. A tingling warmth echoes in my cheeks. “Thank you.” I repeat. “I’ll see you at school.”

Jasper’s hand drifts from my person and I leave the car as quickly as I can. The last thing I should do is repay his kindness with my enticing blush.

As soon as I’m inside, my hand is fishing my phone out of my pocket and texting Alice. I need to make sure she’s okay.


	16. Him.

I wince. Charlie’s knife cuts into his steak, grinding metal across the plate, without even a care to the awful noise he’s making. It’s worse than nails on a chalkboard.

We’re sitting in our usual booth at the diner. The weather is as gloomy as ever. I’m nursing a delicious strawberry milkshake and chewing on the end of the straw.

“I still think you should give him a chance. He’s a nice kid.” Charlie tells me between bites. I close my eyes and let out a deep sigh. My jaw sits on the base of palm with my elbow resting upon the table.

We’ve been talking circles about this topic since we left our house half an hour ago. I’ve made it one of my personal goals to keep Charlie in the know when it comes to the things that happen in my life. Mom and I never talked about anything and I don’t want anything that came from that relationship happening again. So, I told him about Jacob. Much to his delight.

However, it seems that Charlie isn’t aware how attraction works. More to the point, he doesn’t understand that I can’t just flick some switch that’ll make me attracted to Jacob. “Charlie…” I sigh again.

“Just one date. It wouldn’t hurt.” He continues. I take a sip from my milkshake. “Let him take you to a movie and see if you click.”

The straw pops out of my mouth, I lean back, and fold my arms. “He’s… Not my type.”

“Then what is your type, Bells? You can’t keep hanging onto Alice. It’s not good to chase after a taken woman.” He’s telling me this like I don’t know it already. It’s kinda hard to move on when everything you want is just out of arm’s reach.

The bell above the diner’s door rings as a pale-skinned woman steps inside. Her red hair is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before - a wildfire of curls wrapped up in a loose bun. I lose my thoughts in her presence and stare for far longer than is appropriate. To her credit, she doesn’t once look in my direction. Instead, she walks with purpose over to her seat. A newspaper is collected on her way.

I’m unable to hide my blush when I see all two fingernails shorter than the rest. The message this gorgeous woman is sending is quite clear. At least, I’m picking up on it.

Charlie chuckles to himself. “Ah.”

My attention darts back to him. My cheeks are bright red. Stuttering, I try to cover my tracks. “What? No! That’s… Nothing. I like boys too. I just-”

“Bells, you don’t need to pretend.” He shakes his head. Another piece of steak is deposited into his mouth. “It’s unhealthy.”

I don’t continue with that train of thought. I know that defending myself only opens up further scrutiny. It is a testament to how cool Charlie is that I can even talk to him about stuff like this without feeling too awkward.

“He’s… A friend.” I say with finality. “It’s like if you were to date Billy. If Billy was a woman.”

Charlie shudders. An appropriate reaction. One that I have to stop myself from having after speaking those words. “See?”

There’s a nod from Charlie as he keeps eating. No doubt that the imagine of him and Billy together is seared into his mind like it is mine. It’s gonna take another milkshake to get it out. With the conversation subsided for now, my attention wanders to the outside world.

A man stands at the corner of the intersection. He leans against the building and is protected from the rain only through the smallest awning. One leg is bent with the base of his foot clinging onto the brick wall.

He draws my attention because he’s looking right at me. It’s only then that I notice his blonde hair. My attention drifts to his worn leather jacket.

It’s him.

My first instinct is to leave. My breathing becomes heavy as it feels like my chest is being compressed from all sides. I pull out my phone, ignore the awful look Charlie gives at the sight of it, and text Alice.

The second instinct is to think this over. What’s the best course of action? Where would be we safest?

That’s when it dawns on me that we’re in a crowded diner. Vampires aren’t allowed to let their existence be known to humans. That creep can’t actually harm me here without getting himself on The Volturi’s shit list. As long as we’re in a public place, Charlie and I are safe.

I’m halfway through composing my text when I get a message from her. “Stay there.” She writes.

I look up from my phone, pocketing it, and right where he was standing is nothing. He’s gone. I turn myself in my seat to get a better view of the whole street and he’s nowhere to be found. I sit back down properly and scan across the diner. I’m preparing myself for the worst. I breathe normally when I realise he hasn’t snuck in here.

“Everything okay, Bells?” Charlie asks. I nod. We continue our lunch with the regular small talk about school and Charlie’s job and whatnot. The anxiety doesn’t leave me. The fact that I can’t stop stealing glances out the window is a testament to that.

A gleaming silver car pulls up to the street where the man once stood. Edward steps out of the Cullen’s signature car. I watch as he pauses exactly on the spot where he was standing. Almost immediately, he darts off down the road and the car follows.

The plate of Charlie’s lunch is pushed back. His cutlery is crossed. “Never disappoints.” He smiles. My milkshake is long since finished.

“There is something I wanted to talk about.” Charlie’s eyes meet mine. It’s not a comforting stare in the slightest. His moustache does that little dance as he tries to find the words. “Yeah?” I ask.

“Your Mom called on Friday.” I pretend to keep my cool even though my chest constricts just as badly as before. The only problem is that I forget to actually speak. Charlie continues without my input. “She wanted to know how you were doing. It wasn’t a long conversation.”

My lower lip gets a thrashing as I bite down hard on it. My fingers fidget with the hem of my jacket. “Did she, um, use my name?”

Charlie’s silence says all I need to know.

“Let’s go home.” I tell him decisively. “And, just for the record, you don’t need to tell me about her. I… I really don’t care.”

The shard that lodges in my heart says something else entirely. Charlie only nods as he rises from his seat. His apology is sincere but unnecessary.


	17. Gym Shorts Remind Me That I’m Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone that's taken the time to read and give this silly story kudos. It makes me happy knowing that so many people have gotten some enjoyment out of it.
> 
> I do apologise for the delay in updating. I've had these last few chapters written up but never uploaded them. I haven't actually touched or thought about this story in awhile. I wrote myself into a wall and ultimately lost interest in the story.
> 
> So, I'm officially labeling this as abandoned. If I had more free-time and didn't have to worry about income I would love to finish this. However, I simply don't have the energy to plan, draft, and edit a fic that I had planned to go for much, much longer than it ended up.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading. Your comments and attention really make me smile. I hope you enjoy the last few bits of In Your Orbit.
> 
> P.S. I can't believe I named my story after a fucking tumblr feature without realising it.

The problem with self-inflicted torture is that it feels really, really good. You know it’s wrong for you. However, that’s half the fun. 

It’s the only possible explanation for why I’m sitting up against the wall of the gym and watching Alice play volleyball in scandalously small gym shorts.

Everything about this goes against my better judgement. I know that at some point the embarrassing reality of my voyeurism will come crashing on my head. I’ll succumb to the guilt and the painful ache in my chest until I’m nothing more than a depressive husk of a person. Until then I will embrace my sudden interest in sports.

I’m supposed to be drafting up an essay but the notebook resting on my thighs is purely for show at this point. There’s nothing but mindless doodles spread across the current page of my notebook. Flowers, scribbles, and shapes are scattered on the paper.

Alice keeps stealing glances at me from across the room. Whoever decided it was a good idea to put her and Edward on a team together is surely a bit crazy. The two have almost single handedly won their first match. Alice’s serve is something to behold. I haven’t really been paying attention to Edward but I’m sure he’s doing very well for himself too.

Their game ends sooner than anyone else’s. Coach Clapp advances their team along on the intricate bracket he has drawn up on his whiteboard. High fives are shared all round as Alice makes a beeline for me. I’ve never really notice how much her hips move when she walks. It’s really pretty.

Alice stands before me, hands on her hips, and a cheeky pout tightening her lips. “Why aren’t you in Spanish, missy?” 

Edward watches on, leant up against a wall. His hands are shoved in his pockets and I’m starting to notice that he doesn’t look anywhere as nice in gym shorts. Mind you, his are more like basketball shorts. Mind you, he’s nowhere near as attractive.

“Mrs. Goff came down with a sudden illness. We all got a free period.” I explain. Alice’s pout loosens slightly. My smirk only grows.

“And Clapp is okay with you sitting in here?” She asks. The incredulous tone in her voice is a bit much but I’ll let it slide because it’s Alice.

“I told him that I was hiding from Jessica Stanley and he suddenly took sympathy on me.” I chuckle. Alice returns to full pout. “Why did tell him that?!”

“Because it’s true!” I laugh.

Alice opens her mouth to ask the inevitable follow-up when Edward shouts from across the gym. “Alice! Round two!” Her bout breaks into a smile and I smile along with her. My heart flutters and for once I embrace how she makes me feel. Jasper be damned, I’m enjoying this.

“You know, most humans break a sweat while exercising.” I chuckle. 

Alice rolls her tongue across the bottom of her grin and I swear I might die. She takes the water bottle sitting next to me, empties some into her hand, and splashes it on her face. All of a sudden, her breathing becomes heavy. For all intents and purposes, she looks like someone who just played a game of volleyball.

I’m not gonna lie. It has an effect on me.

Whatever brownie points I awarded Edward due to deterring Alice’s train of thought quickly vanish when he calls for Alice again. She sticks her tongue out at me and skips away.

Round two of the tournament isn’t such a one-sided affair. Alice and Edward put on the illusion of a fair match quite well which distracts me from my work and from the text messages that are blowing up my phone courtesy of Jessica. I wouldn’t have to hide out from her if she wasn’t so insistent on having me attend the upcoming prom.

“It’s a rite of passage!” Bullshit.

“You’ll look so cute in your dress!” Ha, yeah right.

“I’ll get you a date!” I don’t want a date that isn’t the woman I’m looking at right now.

It does suck knowing that I’ll be staying at home while my friends have an amazing time together. It’d be worse actually attending, trying to put on a brave face and endure the anxiety from my many, many hang-ups.

One of the students on Alice’s team sets the ball for Edward. He jumps, completely forgoing gravity, and powerfully spikes the ball down with the smack of his hand. To the credit of both of them, they’re putting up a fair fight. Or rather a fight that looks fair if you don’t know that you’re playing against two superhumans. The two of them are even pretending like they’re exerting themselves by changing how fast and with how much weight they breathe. For two people who are otherwise clueless to social norms, it’s a very impressive acting performance. Oscar worthy for sure.

Game two is such a nail-biter that Alice doesn’t have any time to talk to me between games. At the start of the third game she shoots me a wink and launches the serve right into a gap on the opposing team’s defences. I’m a bit shaken from how fucking hot the whole spectacle is and it’s only made worse by Alice’s stretching between sets.

Despite the initial serve, the third game appears a lot more one-sided. This time for the other team. Alice and Edward are losing so badly that I’m expecting a heroic comeback that never arrives. They lose.

Alice skips back over to me and takes a seat beside me. Edward joins shortly after with a much more somber, well-acted walk. The way he slides his fingers effortlessly through his bronze hair. I can hear several people swooning from all the way over here.

“You lost.” I say, dumbfounded. Edward shrugs. “Guess the better team one.” He chuckles deeply with a stupid smirk.

Today I learned, vampire humour is pretty bland.

Alice takes my cheek in her hand to direct my face towards her own. The blush that spreads across my cheek from her delicate touch is irrelevant to the situation. Alice seems to agree as she pays it no mind.

“You’re tired.” She states as if she’s made some sort of Sherlockian discovery. As if the bags underneath my eyes didn’t give it away. I shrug.

“Why?” Is not the follow-up I expected but it’s the one Alice gives. I shrug again. However, my verbal response is almost an answer. “You haven’t found that rogue vampire yet?”

The glance shared between Edward and Alice doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. Nor does the subtle non-verbal responses Edward gives to what must be Alice’s thoughts. I give a gentle cough into my fist. That seems to shut the two of them up.

Alice lets her hand find its way to my hand. She takes it in her own and gives it a gentle squeeze. I know something bad is coming. It’s become her telltale sign at this point.

“Non. The rain washes away most scents and makes him impossible to track. Are you… Are you still seeing him?” Both vampires stare at me. Alice is notably more concerned while Edward seems intrigued. The latter is a first.

I slowly nod. “Sometimes when I go out. And…”

I drift off. Neither seem content with that. Edward, however, is the first to voice that opinion. “And?”

The mere thought of this pushes a weight onto my chest. My grip on Alice’s hand becomes stronger which only seems to fuel her worry for me. “I’ve been having nightmares. Of him. I can’t always remember them. I… Just… His red eyes.”

I close my eyes and shake my head to scatter the thoughts. When I reopen them Alice and Edward are sharing looks once more. Much to my relief, I don’t need to interrupt their mental conversation.

Edward asks a probing question. “Red eyes? Where did you get that from?” His tone suggests there’s more to this than wants to let on. It’s cautious and delicate. Alice’s gaze suggests much of the same. It’s like being pinned between two concerned parents except that simile is totally not applicable to Alice for obvious, gross reasons.

“What do you mean? That’s the colour of his eyes.” I shoot straight. Neither Cullen seems capable of believing me.

Alice’s hand covers my own from the top and the bottom. “Jasper didn’t tell you about this, did he? Or… Or Emmett?”

“What?” I nervously chuckle. I’m beginning to get worried. Despite Edward and Alice being the ones in gym class, I’m sweating more than them.

Edward sighs. Purely for dramatic effect, I wager. “A vampire who feeds on human blood has red irises. You knowing that without our input suggests that this person is real.”

“What the fuck!” I shout a little louder than anticipated. My own volume catches me off guard and I flinch. Some others appear to notice as they look in our direction. I lower my voice. “You thought I was lying?”

“Non ma chérie. We were entertaining the thought that you were… hallucinating.” My follow-up question is cut off by one of Alice and Edward’s teammates beckoning them over for the next game. All I get from Alice is another squeeze of her hand to add to my growing collection. The two run off to play without so much as a word.

Left alone, my thoughts begin to wander as they always do. Every hit of the volleyball might as well be a gunshot for how my body is reacting. Nervous flinches shake my body every single time. I stare at the empty space on the ground where Alice once stood and wonder exactly where I stand when it comes to the Cullen family.

I’m awoken from my haze by a shrill voice. “This is where you’ve been hiding? I didn’t think you could step foot into the gym without, like, turning to dust.” I look up. Jessica’s adopting the same pose Alice did upon finding me here albeit with much more menace in her grimacing gaze.

Dumbfounded, I stutter out a response. “H-How did you know?” Jessica points. I follow her direction to see Alice waving her fingers at me with a shit-eating smile. I look down at the outline of her phone bulging in her pocket.

“How the hell did you get Alice Cullen’s number?” I ask, still fucking dumbfounded. Jessica scoffs as she takes a seat next to me. “Please, I have everyone’s number. Except Edward’s. Got an update on that for me, sis?”

Even with my comparatively weak human eyes, I can see the corner of Edward’s lip turn up from across the gym. For a social pariah, that sulking twink loves being the centre of attention.

My silence must speak volumes because Jessica moves on like the freight train that is her personality. “Do you at least have a good reason for not going to prom?”

Alice’s head swings in our direction. Without looking, she smacks the volleyball that was moments away from landing right on her face. It’s a clear example of superhuman dexterity that apparently I’m the only one that manages to notice because there isn’t a single reaction to it. Thankfully, she does return her attention to the game.

“Dude, drop it already. I told you. I don’t want to go, I don’t like dresses, and I don’t have date.” My tone of voice is short. I’ve already had an entire morning of this. Jessica rolls her eyes and lets out the most exaggerated sigh I’ve ever heard.

“Hurry up and ask A-”

“Angela? I don’t like her like that, dude.” I glare daggers at Jess. Apparently, my impression of Rosalie is quite accurate this time because she shrinks in response.

It’s enough to silence the discussion. The two of us sit in the quiet of several volleyball matches happening in front of us. Alice and Edward win the next match. Then the next one too. 

I let out my own sigh. “Sorry. This is just… It’s hitting all my sore spots.”

“Then let me help.” Jessica’s response is fast. Like, really fast. There’s not even a beat between my apology and her offer. It’s instinctive. In addition, there’s actual sympathy in her eyes. 

And yet, it’s not that simple. Why can’t it ever be that simple?

I don’t know how to respond so I push down the anxiety in my gut and wriggle closer to Jess. My head leans on her shoulder like Alice has done to me many times before and I wait for some sort of negative reaction that never comes. Instead, she tilts her own head to the side. Her cheek rests upon me.

“I can see why you think she’s cute.” Jessica quietly says. My body tenses and I do a terrible job of trying to hide it. Jess notices it straight away. “Oh, stop being so paranoid. She can’t hear us from over here.”

I’m about to tell Jessica, in very general and unspecific terms, that she’s wrong when a pale boy is caught in the corner of my eye. Jasper Hale stands at the entrance to the gym, a smirk written on his usually constipated face, while he watches Alice from afar. Jess appears to notice too as she’s whispering seconds later. “That boy is a snack!” She whispers. “Do you think they’re trying to get you into a poly thing?”

“Oh my god.” I blush. I’m collecting my things and standing as quickly as I possible can to create an ocean of distance between me and Jess. I pass by Jasper, exiting the gym looking anywhere but at the tall boy who totally overheard that bit of embarrassment. Jess is right on my heels.

“Hey! It could happen!” She shouts.

The lunch bell rings right around the time that I reach the cafeteria. Jess’s spheal about needing to be progressive in regards to my sexuality is cut short by the arrival of Angela, Eric, and Mike. It’s not that I don’t disagree with Jess, it’s more the matter of discussing it loudly for all to hear.

The cafeteria is filled in reasonable time by the sound of loud, chattering students as more and more feeble attempts at guilting me into prom are heralded by my friends. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it didn’t play right into my insecurities. They don’t understand that I want to go. I want to have that cliche prom experience; whatever that might be. I want to enjoy it all whether I have a date or not. I want a night where I actually feel pretty.

It’s not their fault they don’t realise that. It’s mine. They’re trying so, so hard to give me a night that I’ll remember. They’re trying harder to include me in their well-established group dynamics. And, I’m playing the part of the over-emotional loner.

“Just come dress shopping with us this weekend? Please?” Angela pleads. I’m biting down on the insides of my cheeks to stop myself from getting mad. “You don’t have to buy anything. Just… You know, be the tiebreaker for Jess and me?”

“Or we could get you fitted for a suit if that’s more your thing.” She adds. I shake my head quickly. “No, no, worse. Much worse.”

Jess bumps my shoulder with her own. She bats her eyelashes and gives me this doe eyed look that works way too well on me. I let out a sigh.

“Then you’ll stop bugging me?” Jess and Angela nod. Mike and Eric have started their own conversation about something else although both of them are still kinda listening in. A second sigh escapes me; much bigger than the first.

“Fine.” There’s cheers from both girls followed by hugging. It’s a display of affection that’s both sickening and over the top and I love it way too much.

The celebration is cut short by the sound of a playful, familiar voice. “Can I come?” The three of us turn around. Eric and Mike are already staring wide-eyed at the sight of Alice Cullen being anywhere near them of her own accord. Soon enough, Angela shares that expression. Jess, to her credit, seems much more cool.

My attention is elsewhere. Most notably, on the rest of the Cullen gang. Reactions range from visibly pissed to non-fussed to happy. Rosalie captures the far end of one spectrum while Jasper holds down the fort on the other.

Needless to say, the answer is a unanimous yes from both of my friends. “And you, Mon ami chéri?”

I giggle like an idiot. “Duh, of course you can come. How else are these two dorks gonna peer pressure me into doing things I don’t want?”

There’s excitement all ‘round. Less so from me. As Alice is making her way back to her family’s table, Angela whispers into my ear. “Did she speak French to you?”

“Yeah,” I reply, “She does that.”

“At least you know she’s good with her tongue.”

The personal embarrassment I get from Angela’s comment is well worth seeing Alice Cullen, actual vampire, trip over her own feet and crash face first onto the ground. Angela and Jessica dart to help her up while I laugh maniacally. Once she’s back on her feet Alice sticks her tongue out at me and gives me the finger.


	18. Never Ending Circles

_I wake with a start. I’m not in my bedroom. I’m not in Forks. Various posters depicting all-men bands in sufficiently aggressive poses are scattered all throughout the walls of the room. A desk with a computer is setup in the corner. A door leads to a bathroom that I sorely miss._

_A sense of longing permeates my surroundings. Whether I’d like to admit it or not, some part of me misses Arizona. I miss the heat and I miss complete lack of rain. I think most of all I miss being invisible in a large city where nobody knows or cares who you are._

_I’m laying in my bed and I know that I should get up. It’s early in the morning so I’ll need to take a shower before I head to school._

_There is a slight problem with that plan though. I can’t seem to move. There’s an invisible weight resting on my chest that paralyzes my body from the neck down. I truly cannot move._

_Some small part of me begins to realise that this is a dream but there’s a bigger part asking the more important question: what if it’s not? If that’s the case then I don’t want to be late to school._

_I should try shifting just my arm. I can feel my arm underneath my bed sheets. I know it’s there. All I have to do is summon the will to move it. My brow furrows and the expression on my face begins to resemble Jasper’s while he’s walking through the halls at Forks High. No matter how hard I try, no matter how ridiculous I look trying, I cannot move my arm._

_The idea to try a different limb pops into my head. That’s a good idea! What about my leg? Can I move my leg? I can feel my leg and I can see the outline of my leg from above the bed sheets. Nevertheless, my leg remains immobile in spite of all the concentration and effort that I can muster._

_The door to my bedroom opens slowly. At last! I have help! Mom’s body slowly reveals itself from beyond the door. The way she holds her body and the way she takes each step with absolute care tells me that she knows she shouldn’t be here. Her lack of attention towards my paralyzed body seems to indicate that hasn’t noticed I’m here either._

_I open my mouth to ask her for help only to have nothing come out. My mouth works. I can move my head. Yet I cannot speak._

_All I can do is observe._

_I submit to my fate rather quickly. After all, this is a dream. The two parts of me argue back and forth whether or not that statement is true. They do not come to a satisfactory conclusion._

_Meanwhile, Mom continues to scout my room. She heads for the drawers of my computer desk and opens them one by one. Each drawer is subjected to a sufficient shuffling of its contents before the drawer is closed and the process is repeated on the next. Sometimes she’ll take things out if the drawer is quite full. However, she never finds what she is looking for._

_The closet to my right is the next focus of her inspection. She shuffles through the few clothes that I own before poking her head deep into the closet. I hold my breath. I know what’s in there, packed away at the very far recesses and buried underneath a pile of old clothes._

_Her thorough surveillance rewards her with a cardboard box. It’s the kind that you would receive shoes in. She places the box on the edge of my bed and kneels before it._

_I’m struggling now. What little movements I’m able to create have no effect on my mother’s focus. I try to scream, to shout, to tell her to mind her own fucking business. I’m greeted with nothing but silence and a dryness in the back of my throat that causes great pain. This does not cause me to stop._

_Mom opens the lip of the box. Inside is a plastic bag._

_I fight the numbness in my extremities. The walls of the house begin to shake as if the very ground around us is beginning to move. My body stays immobile._

_She lifts the plastic bag and pours the contents onto the surface of my bed. Out falls a bottle of pills and various articles of women’s clothing: dresses, skirts, and the like. She’s confused. I want her to stop. She needs to stop. This… This is an invasion of privacy and…_

_Mom’s eyes lock with mine. They bore into my soul and pierce the very constituents of my heart leaving it pained, bloodied, and fragile. There’s something off about her eyes though. They’re different than I remember. At least… At least I think so?_

_Were Mom’s eyes always red?_

_She darts forward and grips her hand around my throat. I’m gasping for air but nothing comes close to even reaching my lungs. It burns in the back of my windpipe as Mom opens her mouth wide to reveal two long, sharp fangs._

_Bit by bit Mom’s skin peels and falls away like flaky, dead tissue. What isn’t immediately disposed of turns disgusting and dry. Those scabby patches leak an ooze that’s somewhere between green and yellow in colour._

_I watch helplessly, unable to struggle against my paralyzation, as my mother is replaced by a much more familiar face. Her naturally curly hair straightens to a raggedy blonde. The hard work she put into maintaining her tan is all for nought. Mom’s skin is now pale._

_I recognise the face of my stalker. His terrifying grin causes my body to tense, my bones to chill. He lunges forward, his fangs sink into my neck, and I hear her voice._

_“I will never forgive you for causing me this pain.”_

A rush of air forces its way into my lungs, my eyes bulge wide, and my throat burns from the sudden pressure. Charlie’s sitting beside my bed with his hand on my leg. His figure is backlit by my desk lamp. I reach for my throat only to find it unscathed except for an aching tension that permeates all throughout my shoulders, neck, and the back of my head.

“Bells, baby, you’re okay.” Charlie’s voice is deep and gravelly and yet somehow he manages to soothe me with his words. I sit up. My arms wrap around him for a much needed embrace that he willingly returns. He rubs my back. His hand is calloused and rough.

I’m crying before I even realise that it’s happening. Charlie squeezes me. The tightness is comforting. “Was I screaming again?” I whine between heavy sobs. He responds with a simple “yeah”.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I croak. Charlie shushes me as I weep into his shoulder. The stress in my body begins to fade and the details of my dream become fuzzy around the edges until it’s nothing more than a memory of a feeling once felt. However, one piece of imagery does stick in my mind: those fucking eyes.

Two or three weeks ago I would have been embarrassed to let Charlie see this side of me. Two or three weeks ago I _was_ embarrassed crying into my father’s arms after he woke me from a terrible nightmare. Now, it’s become the norm.

The dreams are different every night. Sometimes I don’t dream at all. When I do they usually carry one of two themes. Tonight was a special combo.

I pull back from Charlie not because I’m finished crying or because I’m all better. His shoulder has become damp from my tears and the wind blowing in through my window has made it cold and uncomfortable. As the tears trickle down my cheek, I wipe the snot from my nose and drink from the glass of water I keep next to my bed at night. Charlie’s hand returns to my leg and he squeezes my ankle.

He sighs. I can see the oscillation of his stray, dishevelled moustache hairs. He ruffles my hair. “What are we gonna do with you, Bells?”

I sniffle, snort, and chuckle. “Soundproof my room?” Charlie laughs too. He grabs a tissue from the box on my nightstand and hands it to me. I set the water down and blow my nose which, needless to say, is incredibly disgusting and not the least bit feminine.

Charlie moves his hand back and forth along my ankle. For someone who isn’t great with physical affection, it means a lot to me.

“Was it Renee again?” My silence speaks volumes. I haven’t told him about my stalker for obvious reasons. “She’s done a number on us, eh?”

I swallow the anxiety that bubbles up with my next thought. I look down towards my feet outlined in my quilt and give them a little wriggle to make sure that I can move them. “Angela tells me that nightmares can be a sign of stress and anxiety and depression.”

Charlie nods. “Sounds about right.”

My lips roll with one another. I let my teeth graze against the bottom lip while I summon the courage to have a voice.

“Do you still think I should tell someone?” It’s a loaded question for sure. Charlie’s brought it up before with as much hesitance as one person can possibly have; backtracking almost instantly upon letting it be known.

“Look, Bells…” There’s a pause. He searches around my room for an answer to my question. I wonder if the words jump out at him. “It doesn’t matter what I think ‘cause you’re the one that’s gotta do it. I just don’t think that a teenage girl should be bottling up so much. ‘Cause otherwise…”

He motions around aimlessly at the general situation with his arms. I let out a weak laugh. It’s not like I haven’t considered this time and time again but with the recent addition of my nightmares it’s become a more pressing issue. An issue that I wish I could ignore.

“You doing okay?” Charlie asks. I slowly nod. “Thanks Charlie.” My head feels heavy and my eyelids do too. With that said, he stands.

“It’s what I’m here for.” He smiles. Once he turns off my desk lamp, he shuts the door and leaves.

My pillow is flipped over onto the cool side. Another is held in my arms. The sheets are pulled up close to my neck and curled up like a kitten I succumb to sleep with ease. It is thankfully dreamless.


	19. Promise You Won’t Hate Me?

Saturday was dreadful. It’s a fairly controversial opinion to confidently back when it’s only 9AM on the aforementioned Saturday but I stand by it.

Charlie doesn’t quite understand why I’m so adamant against enjoying dress shopping. He’s not as stubborn as my friends when it comes to arguing a pro-prom stance mostly because he doesn’t really care if I attend or not.

“My prom wasn’t anything to write home about. Couple friends got way too drunk. My date puked on my tux. I was home by seven.” He told me. If that’s the kind of story I’m going to be able to tell future generations then I might as well stay home. This is why Charlie and I get along. We’re kindred spirits.

That being said, I haven’t actually explained to him why shopping for clothes is my personal hell. One of those reasons is that Jessica insists on Alice picking me up by 9AM on a fucking Saturday. No matter how much I tell her that they’ll be plenty of dresses if we get there an hour or two later, she doesn’t believe me. Apparently, I don’t understand the girls of Forks High. That statement sits with me about as well as it would with any other trans girl.

Alice, to nobody’s surprise, is perfectly on time. Her very shiny silver car sits partially on my driveway as the rain pours down around it. What does surprise me is that one of the front seats is completely vacant.

I stand up from my seat on the front steps and take one, two, three steps onto the damp ground before slipping ass first onto the concrete. It doesn’t hurt. There’s a dull ache and not much more.

Alice is out of the car in an instant and rushing over to help me up. The rain doesn’t even appear to bother her. “I’ve never met someone with so many left feet.” She giggles. Her laugh might be drowned out somewhat by the pounding rain but it’s still as heavenly as ever. I might not be religious but Alice could convince me of the existence of angels.

Her hands are on my arm and she’s helping me back onto my feet. “It’s the converse.” I half-lie whilst ignoring Alice’s flats. “No traction.”

“At least you’ve got extra cushioning in the rear.” Alice muses. I scoff, mock-offended. “Are you calling me fat?”

I’m sent to heaven with a smirk. “No darling, I was complimenting your bum.” My ascension doubles in speed from Alice’s heartstopping wink. “C’mon, we’re both getting wet.”

I’m lead to Alice’s car like she’s helping an elderly lady cross the street. It’s a bit embarrassing having Jessica and Angela watch as I take tiny steps one after the other with Alice holding onto my arm. She opens the door for me like the chivalrous lady she is and by the time I’ve slid into the front seat Alice has already done so too.

“I’m telling you,” Angela’s voice rings through the car as Alice easily pulls out of my driveway. “You should get tested for dyspraxia.”

I let out a sigh. “Good morning, Angela. You too Jess.”

I’m given a little hello from Jess. Angela continues on her train of thought though. “I’m just saying, you’re clumsier than normal, your handwriting is worse than a doctor’s-”

“What does my handwriting have to do with anything? What are you even trying to diagnose me with?” I snort.

“You get used to it.” Jess rolls her eyes from the back seat. Her arms are folded as she stares out the window. Alice merely listens to the conversation although she does look like she’s rapt with attention.

“Dyspraxia is a disorder that impacts fine motor controls. So, if you have trouble holding things, using a knife and fork, difficulty catching things thrown at them…”

I ignore that all three of those things apply to me and my focus drifts to the car’s AC which is actually working. Eric’s car might as well be an ice box and Charlie doesn’t turn on the AC because he calls it a waste of money. It might be the most traditionally Dad thing about him. Alice’s AC, on the other hand, is blaring with heat which might explain why Angela and Jess are both stripped down to their base layers. I follow suit.

My jacket comes off and I fold it in my lap. Alice’s head darts in my direction. Her eyes are off the road for much longer than I would deem safe while her gaze narrows onto either my chest or the lower part of my upper arm. I’d like to think she’s checking out my awesome boobs. God knows I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time checking them out lately.

Alice cuts off Angela’s almost encyclopedic listing of dyspraxia symptoms with a loud comment. “What happened to your arm?”

I push up my sleeve a little bit. The cut from several weeks ago has healed nicely and left behind a gnarly scar. It almost perfectly circles around half of my arm. Jess and Angela poke their head up into the front seat and there’s a collective “whoa” from the two of them.

“Oh, I nicked it on a tree a couple weeks ago. Bled like a motherfucker but it’s all good now.” I beam with pride. I’m not exactly sure why I’m proud of something so innocuous. Maybe it’s all those late nights I spent on tumblr swooning over buff girls with cool scars confused as to whether I wanted to be them or be with them.

Angela’s quick to chime in. “A tree? Did you fall into it? Sounds like-”

“I was riding a dirt bike.” I cut her off.

The response is almost in unison from the three other girls. It’s loud too. “You WHAT?!”

The expressions on their faces are completely unique. Alice is concerned, worried that I would do something so dangerous and it’s probably only exacerbated but the previously discussed clumsiness. Jess is somewhere between happy and impressed. Angela is a combination of all three with, and I might be showing my arrogance here, a hint of attracted. I flex my noodly arm just for her and there is zero reaction from either her or my nonexistent muscles.

“Deets. Now.” Jess demands as Angela pulls her head back and relaxes into her seat. The two of them are so distracted by my badassery that they’re entirely oblivious to Alice going at least twenty miles over the speed limit. “Slow down.” I silently mouth to her and motion to the back seat with my head. I swear vampires want to be found out.

I begin with the tale, or lack thereof, only to be stopped by Alice a few seconds in when I mention Jake by name. “Who’s Jake?” She asks. The tone is a mix of concerned and defensive. I open my mouth to answer her question only to be cut off by Jess.

“This hunky guy that Bella’s totally into.” 

I can only laugh. “I’m not into him in the slightest.” 

Alice speeds up again, hurtling past the speed limit, and it’s only with another passing glance that she closes back down. I don’t know why she’s so intent on getting to Port Angeles quickly. Maybe driving a car is boring and slow for someone that can run so fast unimpeded? 

“You were all over him at La Push!” I roll my eyes. Of course, Jess would be the kind of person to confuse niceness with “got the hots for”. I decide the best course of action is to not engage, as is usual for Jess, but Alice has other ideas. “What’s his last name? I don’t think I know a Jake in our year.” 

“Black. He goes to school on reservation. He’s Quileute.” I tell her.

Jess winks in the reflection of the side mirror. “He’s hot.”

“He’s sixteen.” I glare back at her. “And, he’s got the brain of a five year-old. It took him months to get the balls to ask me out.”

Once more, there’s a choir of surprise from Jess and Angela. Alice is notably quiet. “He WHAT?!”

“He took me for a ride in the rain after Christmas. We went through the forest and stopped at a gas station and he asked me on a date.” I explain. 

Alice’s driving has gotten noticeably more reckless again. She’s darting around cars on a two-lane road. I guess her premonition means that she’ll know if she’s about to smash headfirst into an oncoming car but that doesn’t manage to settle my nerves. I can only imagine how the other girls feel without that bit of knowledge.

Angela, much to my surprise, is the first to respond. “Damn. That boy has chops.”

“Romantic. As. Hell.” Jess adds.

I scrunch my face up. “Really?” When I think about how I explained it then perhaps it does sound kind of romantic. The whole thing is muddled up with the horrible experience that came along with it. It’s hard to be swept off your feet when you’re convinced that you’re playing through your final moments.

That and, it’s Jake. He’d be great friend material if he could stop thinking like a dumb boy for once.

“I’ll take his number.” Angela pipes up. “Or Bella’s number.”

I turn my head around and look into the back seat. “You have my number.” I say, confunded.

“It’s a metaphor.” She replies with a nibble of her bottom lip and a saucy wink through her glasses. I slither and slide back into my seat while trying not to blush at the cute, buff girl who knows how to push my buttons. On second thoughts, is it even a metaphor?

Alice chimes in after a couple seconds of silence. Her hands are tight on the steering wheel and, strangely, she doesn’t even look to me when speaking like she normally does when driving. “You can use the aux, if you want.”

I don’t need any more encouragement than that. My friends are always making fun of my different taste in music. Alice is probably the only exception. I might have promised to make her a spotify playlist someday. Maybe a live mix will do.

Cue the indie punk and the folk punk and a dozen other different types of punk.

With my music properly queued, I rest my head on the space behind the window and close my eyes. The conversation drifts to fashion and fashion adjacent topics and I’m more than happy to vaguely listen rather that contribute. I make an effort to stay awake. However, it doesn’t last long.

I’m nudged awake sometime later by a cheerful Alice. “We’ve arrived, ma chérie.” I step out into the car park and the light, peppery rain with my jacket on and my beanie snug around my head. Jess’s arms are folded, her pout unmistakable. I give both her and Angela a look. “Do I want to know?”

Alice is by my side and taking my hand in her own. Angela grins. “Alice wouldn’t let her draw things on your face with her lipstick.”

As we head out together, Jess and Angela in front of us with Alice and myself hanging a little bit back, I hear Jess mutter something underneath her breath. What she said exactly I’m not quite sure but I notice Alice roll her lips, a pitiful attempt at trying to not smile.

I decide it’s best that I don’t know.

“You’re still not sleeping?” Alice offers a sympathetic squeeze of her hand. Her concerned frown is adorable. I simply shake my head.

“The same nightmare?” She follows up.

I ignore the beating of my heart as it starts to quicken and press on. “It’s different every time but, uh, yeah.” I fail to mention that my dreams sometime take on a different flavour. I know Charlie suggested opening up to my friends more and I really, really want to take that advice. It’s totally easier to lie through my teeth while pretending that nothing’s going on.

The conversation stills and I decide to change the subject. Jess and Angela are chirping away in front of us. Sometimes I forgot that they’re childhood friends because they’re polar opposites on the surface. Now that I know them better I can say that they’re quite similar in the ways that matter.

“I’m really happy they like you.” I mention. Alice skips her next step. Her smile is bright and innocent. It’s fucking adorable. The rest of her family has this ethereal energy to them that makes it impossible to forget that they’re something otherworldly. I always seem to forget that Alice could crush me with her bare hands if she wanted to. Or if I wanted her to.

The place we arrive at has me blushing the second we step inside. I hadn’t quite remembered it until I saw the interior, until I saw the presence of that dressing room whose floor is etched into my brain. Jessica doesn’t make any reference to it and for that I am glad.

A fish out of water has never been a more apt metaphor because I feel like breathing has become twice as difficult. Jess and Angela go their separate ways. They have two distinct tastes that are quite conflicting. Alice lets go of my hand and skips over to Jess. I am alone.

I stand around awkwardly, arms folded, and my eyes avoiding looking too hard at any of the clothes. I slowly meander over to Angela with the hope that she will be the less awkward of two great evils.

Angela looks at me with a smile that’s on the verge of laughter. I lean up against a wall with my arms still folded tight. She returns back to her search. “You can chill, you know? It’s clothes shopping. Not a death sentence.”

I try to relax a little. The muscles in my shoulders are tense. My back is abnormally straight. Breathe, Bella. One deep breath later and I’ve loosened about as much as a guitar string.

Alice and Jess are suggesting things for one another. That’s good. That’s cute. The dress she picks out is beautiful.

That acknowledgement alone is enough to send shame and guilt burning through my body. I look away fast. My cheeks are on fire. Alice swings her head in my direction and I pretend not to notice.

I’m inundated with memories of shopping with my mother. I’d pretend not to stare at the things I wanted to try on but knew I couldn’t while desperately trying not to draw attention to myself. The few times that I did get caught I’d have to play it off as checking out some girl that I wasn’t interested in. That got me in less trouble than the truth.

My friends are done pretty quickly. “This place is shit. We movin’ on?” Everyone agrees with Jess’s suggestion. I follow out with the group, hands in my pockets, and the tension sticking in all the worst places.

I stay clear of the small talk on the short walk between one shop and the other. I’m unable to leave my own head or shake the horrid emotions plaguing me. It winds up in my stomach; tightening into a strained knot.

It only lessens when I see exactly what I want in this moment: an excuse. The sign of a bookstore dangles from the exterior wall several blocks down. Just as my friends are starting to walk inside the next shop, I give pause. “Do you guys mind if I check out the bookstore?” It’s hard to hide the constriction of my throat. My voice sounds rough.

Jess and Angela don’t seem phased. The latter rolls their eyes but it’s softened with a good mannered smile. Alice is worried.

I don’t wait for her response. “Meet me when you’re done, okay?” I rush down the street only for to have her skipping beside me. When I refuse to acknowledge her presence, she moves in front of me and stops me dead in my tracks.

“What’s going on?” She folds her arms and tries to look as menacing as possible. She’s about as threatening as a bumble bee.

Charlie’s voice echoes in my head only to be quashed by my own. “I need new books.” I try to move around her but Alice defeats my attempt with an effortless sidestep. We lock eyes for a moment. My stare wins out.

Alice sighs and drops her arms. “If you’re not going to tell me that’s your choice to make but… Fille têtue, je veux vous aider! What secrets could you possibly hide that surpass my own?”

The tension in my body mounts. I hold myself, trying to soothe my body enough that Alice’s very well-made argument won’t penetrate my defences. There’s something about the weight behind her words too. Jessica wants to know my deal because she’s naturally curious and gossipy. Angela doesn’t seem to bother too much: she respects that there are things I don’t want to share.

Alice… Alice wants nothing more than to help. To soothe my wounds and nurse me back to health. The problem is that I don’t know if that’s possible anymore.

I relent. “Fine.” I take Alice by the hand and lead her down the alley between two buildings. The necessity of a secret location spells out that this is not to be shared.

The rain has weakened. Drops sporadically fall from the sky but I don’t feel them hit my clothes. I find us a spot by the back of a building, dressed in graffiti, and dry on the ground. Together we sit.

I try to drink in my surroundings. The overcast weather, the smell of ashtrays, and the gravel beneath my shoes. It’s a shit place to have a heart to heart talk but it’s good as any to lose your best friend. Alice doesn’t rush me. My hands cling to my ankles and already my short fingernails are digging into denim.

“Fuck…” I exhale. “How do I fucking explain this?”

Alice’s eyes try to meet my own but I’m staring at the ground. “Take your time.” She tells me. All the time in the world couldn’t make this any easier. I’ve known about my gender troubles since I was eleven and it definitely hasn’t made explaining this any less emotionally punishing.

I close my eyes long enough to steady myself. When I start speaking, the words begin to flow like they’re inscribed on very fabric of my being. “When I was born there was a… complication. A mix-up.”

“The doctors told my parents that they had given birth to a healthy, baby... B-Boy. For the longest time, I thought that’s what I believed too but the doctors were wrong.” I pause. Alice fills in the silence for me.

“You’re transgender.” 

There’s no screaming so that’s better than what I’m accustomed to. She hasn’t called me twisted, fucked up, or mentally ill either. There’s still a very real fear that something worse might happen. So, I continue before Alice can speak further.

“I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me until I got older. When I knew what was up…” I pause but this time it’s not of my own volition. The back of my throat is burning. My eyes are stinging. “You won’t get it.” I croak. “Fuck. Just leave me.”

Alice’s hand slithers into my own, lifting it away from its death-grip on my ankle. Our fingers intertwine and a chill rolls through my body. “Let me try? To understand you.” Her voice is soft. I close my eyes once more and when I open them I power through the discomfort and pain.

“Whenever I’d walk past a clothes store, I’d try not to stare at the things I wished I could wear. You can’t imagine the amount of shame and guilt and… and fucking self-hate that I went through.”

“Bella…” Alice tightens her grip on my hand. The tears are leaking from the corners of my eyes. I’ve never been able to tell someone this. It’s a secret I’ve held for so many years and now that it’s out there I can’t stop.

“Do you know how much it fucks you up? I was a child, barely eleven, and I knew that I was wrong. I…” My voice cracks. Alice arms are around me and I’m pulled to her chest in a tight hug. I hold onto her. I hold on for dear life because for all I know she’ll never want to touch me ever again.

I cry. I cry more tears than any nightmare could take from me. Alice has gotten a glimpse into the darkest part of my soul and it’s more than I can handle. Ugly sobs are unearthed from the deepest parts of my being and it’s as painful as it is embarrassing to unleash. “My beautiful girl.” Alice whispers. “You are so much more than those terrible thoughts. One day I’ll have you see that.”

I don’t think it’s going to be any day soon.


	20. Maybe This Isn’t So Bad

My heart aches. Somehow, I muster up the willpower to speak. “You don’t hate me?” Alice only laughs. She tilts my head up with her delicate fingers. Her kind eyes look down upon me. “Now why, my little lamb, would I do something silly like that?”

I pull away and wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes. The absence of Alice’s metaphorically warm embrace leave me incomplete. I choke out a weak laugh. Alice picks through my hair, tidying it for me. “I’m bi, you know?” She idly comments.

As if my frail heart could handle any more. It timidly trembles. More of my hair is tucked behind my ear. Alice’s fingertips linger on my cheek before she returns her hand to mine. “I heard of bisexuality for the first time in the seventies. I didn’t know I had that option until then.”

I roll my lips together. The whites of my eyes show as the next question rolls effortlessly from my tongue. “Have you…?”

“Kissed girls, you mean?” She chuckles. “Some. Not as many as I’d like to!”

I chuckle too. “Preach.” It does dawn on me that this means that Jasper is cool with Alice kissing girls. Maybe they are poly. Or maybe they’re so resolute in their devotion to one another that infidelity doesn’t even factor in.

Alice stands after a beat, brushing off the gravel and dirt from her jeans, and offers me her hand. “Come! If my lamb wants books then it is books she will get!” 

I laugh, taking Alice’s hand. She pulls me to her feet. Together we walk to the bookstore. Once inside I sink into my element among the shelves and shelves of paper. Every now and then I have to check to make sure that my best friend is still that. I don’t know what I’m expecting to happen but the fact that she’s still here after that, after knowing who I am, leaves me in disbelief.

What’s more is that nothing has changed. With Charlie there was an adjustment period. It even took Carlisle awhile to learn the jargon and become comfortable with the subject. Alice and I talk about nothing in particular just like we did the day before and the day before that.

Meanwhile, my body’s sore. I couldn’t tell the difference between how I feel now and how I would feel after running a marathon. It’s exhausting. How do people manage to be emotionally vulnerable all the time?

After putting the fiftieth book that I’ve checked out back on the shelf, Alice piques up. “I have a deal for you.”

“No.” I flatly tell her. I’m knelt by a row of biographies. Alice is rocking on the balls of her feet. She comes to a complete stop.

“You don’t know what I’m going to say!” I look up at her. She’s pouting. It’s cute as ever.

I roll my eyes, pretending not to swoon at everything she does. “You’re going to bribe me into wearing a dress.”

There’s silence. I return back to searching through thick tomes that I’ll probably never end up purchasing. Alice lets out a huff of air from her nose. I rise up and ‘round the corner into sci-fi. Alice follows close on my heels. “Okay, but hear me out!”

My reaction is somewhere between a chuckle and a sigh. I pull out a cyberpunk-y looking book and start reading the blurb. “Alright. What is it?”

“I’ll buy you any five books and you try on one thing I suggest! You get as many vetoes as you want. I have to see you wearing it though!” Alice proudly smiles. Her hands are held behind her back as she resumes her rocking.

I take pause. Five books is at least seventy dollars. Five times as much what Alice got me for Christmas. That’s sixty percent more than I had planned on spending today and all I’ve got to do is endure my way through a tirade of emotional pain and a potential panic attack? I look down at Alice, her puppy dog eyes, and the little sway she does. My resolve begins to crumble.

But it doesn’t erode completely.

“No.”

“Bellaaaa!” She whines, hanging her head back. I smirk. My opinion doesn’t shift or change one single bit.

Alice, to her credit, tries again. “Six books.” I place the one I was checking out back on the shelf and move down the row. “Nope.”

“Six books and… A calendar of kittens!” She smiles. I give her a look. She thinks her victory is assured. I only slightly annoyed at her unrelenting stubbornness.

I stare long enough to get her hopes up. “Nup.”

“Seven books, a calendar of kittens, and three bookmarks of your choice!” Finally, I give her a reaction. I stop in my tracks and turn to her. I wish I could say that I’m hiding the minor amount of frustration on my face but it burns through. “Stop! Please.”

Alice stumbles back with a start. There’s fear in her eyes. My voice wasn’t loud enough to scare her. That can’t be her concern. It’s the fear that she’s done something to hurt me which is more than enough to hurt me in turn.

“Okay. Fine. I’ll do it. I’m one-hundred percent committed. No takes backs. Now tell me how that works out.” I’m serious. I’m not taking back this decision. The annoyance of having a wound poked and prodded at by my friends for over a week is enough to summon my courage. Alice captures her teeth between her lips. I watch as she stares into nothingness.

I wait for the verdict. I wait for her to apologise or show any sign of discomfort. I wait for something, anything, bad to happen.

A slight smile creeps across Alice’s face. It stops. A couple seconds pass and it only gets bigger.

Fuck.

A couple blinks later and Alice’s vision is back in focus. “Well?” I ask.

“Pick your books. Did I tell you I know of a really great shop ten minutes away?” Her happiness is palpable. If I didn’t know what I’m getting myself into then I might be happy to. As it stands, I’m not looking forward to whatever it is she has in mind.

The two other girls come into the store a little bit later. Angela is happily carrying her new purchase: a dark green number with a slit down the side to show everyone that she could crush their head between their thighs. Those were her words, not mine, although I’m definitely not opposed to the idea.

I finish up quickly for the sake of everyone’s patience. Alice and I arrive at the cashier’s desk with four books and a calendar of cats. Alice, unhappy with my lack of purchases, throws a handful of bookmarks and a couple novelty pens onto the pile.

We exit the bookstore together and split into two groups once more. This time, I’m hanging back with Angela as Alice hops and skips her way to this mysterious store. I wish I could be as carefree as her. She doesn’t care that people are giving her odd looks or that Jessica’s laughing as she throws her arms about without concern. In fact, it makes her happier. I smile too.

Angela chuckles. “Your ladywood is showing.”

My eyes almost bulge out of my head until I realise that Angela’s making a joke. I blush, partially because of my overreaction and partially because the comparison is so apt.

“You’ve been crying.” Angela comments. I rub my eyes which doesn’t help matters. “Oh, it’s my allergies.” I say cooly.

“From what?” She laughs. “It’s the dead of winter. Is everything okay? You’ve been worrying me today.”

I nod, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket. “Yeah, I’m good. Promise.”

We come to stop at the traffic lights. Alice, my saviour, changes the subject immediately. “Jessica! Has anyone asked you to prom?” I communicate my thanks as much as I can with my eyes and hopefully Alice picks up on it. Jess, always eager to be the centre of attention, takes the bait without hesitation.

“Nobody. I am more than happy to go stag, thank you very much. Unless you want to put in a good word with your very single brother?” My jaw doesn’t quite drop but it does lower. Jess’s confidence astounds me. Or is it her arrogance? Either way, that girl has bigger balls than I do.

Alice takes it stride. “I… Will run it by him. No promises though.” Jess’s jaw drops so far through the ground it could be found surfacing in the Indian Ocean. As the traffic lights turn red and the walking person turns green, Alice adds. “I do know he’s very flattered by your, um, ladywood.”

If it wasn’t for Jess’s dark complexion, I’m not sure whose face would be more red. Alice skips along, clearly pleased with herself.

The store we arrive at is nestled between a coffee shop and a hairdresser. The alley that separates it is drenched in colourful, awe inspiring graffiti. When we walk inside, it’s comfortably empty except for a lone woman dressed in black and sporting a hella wicked undercut. 

I would be frozen in my place like before if it wasn’t for Alice at my back pushing me towards the dressing room. “You! In there! I will bring your clothes.”

I’m laughing as one foot after the other stumbles towards the dressing room. The tension I felt last time is completely absent with this goofball at my back. Jess and Angela look partway between excited and concerned. “It’s consensual!” I shout over my shoulder. “Barely!”

The dressing room is big. Much like Alice’s closet, every inch of the far wall is covered with a mirror. It makes avoiding my body quite difficult.

Alice returns after two or three minutes holding up a single dress. “Sorry I took so long. The other girls wanted to know what’s going on. I told them they’d only see you if you were okay with it.”

I could hug Alice right then and there. However, my eyes are fixated on the dress - my arch nemesis.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, darling. But… I think it would be good for you. And, I already know you look pretty in it!” Alice giggles to herself.

I take the dress from her. It’s heavy in my hands. “Give me five minutes to put this on. You’re not seeing me naked.”

I’m not sure if Alice’s “aww” is sincere or not. I blush regardless.

Taking my clothes off is a much more difficult task than putting the dress on due to my sheer amount of layers. I try not to think too hard about what I’m doing and focus my mind on getting it over with. That manages to alleviate some of my anxiety. Not all of it but some.

My legs are exposed. It’s an odd sensation. I’m pulling down the skirt to make sure that it covers my bum. It’s actually quite modest coming right above my knee.

I’m staring down at the ground. I don’t want to do this. It feels awkward. It’s not right. Why do I struggle with this so fucking much? Why am I so fundamentally broken?

I hold myself and turn away from the mirror. I’m unable to bear the sight of myself before and I haven’t looked upon my own reflection yet. There’s a cloud of emotions swirling around inside of me and they can all be summed up with one single sentence.

I want to cry.

The knock on the door startles me. I jump. Alice’s voice rings through the wall. “Can I come in?” My answer comes in the form of slowly opening the dressing room door with my body hiding behind it the entire time. It’s only when it finally closes that I’m seen.

Alice’s mouth hangs open ever-so-slightly while her eyes wander aimlessly over my body. “Fuck…” She breathes. I watch as the dark of her eyes expands to almost completely cover the golden irises.

“Is it bad?” I squeak out. I’m holding myself with both arms again. My hands squeeze into both of my sides. Short fingernails engrave the dress and dig into my skin. The pain is welcomed.

My shoulders are covered by Alice’s cold hands and she pulls me into a deep hug. I don’t reciprocate. I’m frozen with anxiety - on the verge of descending into panic.

“Tu ne pourrais pas avoir plus tort mon amour. You are more beautiful than in my visions. Have you seen yourself?” The small amount of air that escapes her mouth as she speaks tickles on my neck. The sensation is almost as soft as her voice itself. Alice holds me tighter as my head buries into the crook for her neck. My hands squeeze tighter too.

I sniffle, shaking my head. The tears haven’t come yet but they’re so close. They’re pushing at the dam and the cracks are starting to show. “No.” I shake my head with that little squeak. Alice laughs in that playful way.

“No wonder! You’ll be fine once you se-”

“No!” I shout. The word blasts from my lungs before I can suppress it. A shiver trickles down my spine and tingles all the way down my limbs; right to the ends of my fingertips and toes.

Alice steps back. She barely creates any distance between us. Fingers find my chin, tilting my head up to meet her eyes. “I’m not telling you this to be kind or because I’m your friend. I’m telling you this because it’s the truth. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. Please let me show you that?”

What Alice says is heard in my ears but my brain doesn’t quite process it. There’s an incompatibility. Like trying to get a VHS player to play a DVD.

Her gaze lingers. The golden aura of her eyes remains resolute in her belief - her supposed truth.

“I don’t want to do this.” I tell her.

“You don’t have to do anything.” She replies.

I close my eyes and squeeze them tight. “Am I being stupid?” The words come through my teeth. Air is heavy in my lungs.

“Probably.” Alice says. “Doesn’t make your problems any less real or important.”

When my eyelids part I’m looking down at Alice’s shoes. She’s wearing little boots. They’re made of soft velvet. “Do you think I’m being stupid?”

“Never.” The sentiment is steadfast.

My hand weasels its way into Alice’s own. Every beat of my heart hurts. My cheeks are wet from the few tears trickling down my cheek. As our fingers intertwine, Alice wipes away the water.

“Okay.” I breathe. “I can do this.”

“You can do this.” Alice smiles.

I turn to face the mirror. The girl reflected back at me is wearing a black dress embroidered with a lace, floral pattern. Long sleeves cling to her arms as does the fabric to her upper body. The skirt flows around her thighs. The neck scoops slightly.

The woman’s eyes are red around the edges. It’s almost as noticeable as the heavy bags underneath her eyes. Despite this, she looks scared.

Alice’s free hand comes to hold onto my arm. “What do you see?” She whispers.

“Broad shoulders.”

“No.”

“Narrow hips.”

“Bella-”

“Ugly square jaw.”

“Stop.” Alice raises her voice. “Focus on the positive. Try again.”

I look over the girl’s body. I try to turn off the Terminator vision I have for myself that seeks out the slightest masculinity and zeroes in on it. A deep breath later and I speak.

“I… I like my legs.” I mumble. Alice giggles in response. “Good! I like them too. They’re shapely. Like your butt.”

“It’s a good butt.” I giggle too.

“Right?! It’s the only reason I don’t get upset at you wearing skinny jeans all the time.” Alice makes me blush. A smile grows across my face as I laugh with a closed mouth. “You have beautiful eyes too, ma chérie.”

I look at Alice in the mirror. I scoff. “Compared to you? They’re boring.”

Alice’s fingers pinch me with harshness. I wince. “Hey! What was that for?!”

“No comparing yourself. Just because you like something on someone else does not detract from how beautiful you are.” Her voice couldn’t be more serious. It’s kinda hot, actually. Like a sexy teacher.

I nod regardless. “Good point.”

There’s a bit of silence. I bite my bottom lip. “I like my boobs too.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one.” Alice winks. My heart skips several beats before galloping to catch up for the missing thuds.

Alice’s head rests on my shoulder as we look at one another in the mirror. I think I’m supposed to be looking at myself but I can’t keep my eyes off her. It’s only when she catches my eyes that they dart away.

Her smile is infectious. “So… Would you wear dresses now?”

“This doesn’t change the fact that if you weren’t by my side I’d be crying like a dumb baby.” I chew on the inside of my lower lip. Alice nods doing much of the same. “I understand.”

Despite my lack of confidence by myself, Alice leaves the dressing room to let me get unchanged. I stay in the dress for a little while. Just staring at myself in the mirror as my hips sway from side to side and the skirt sways with me.

A thought crosses my mind that has me blushing more than I’d like to admit. I’m by myself so it’s not like anybody would see. And, well, I remember liking this.

My fingers fidget with one another as I stare at myself. A hint of nervousness bubbles up in my stomach but I push it down.

Without holding back, I twirl. The dress flies up much more than I wanted. I giggle to myself, pushing it down, and smiling like an idiot the entire time. God, if anyone saw that I think I’d die.

The dress comes off and I feed it back onto the hangar. My clothes return to my body where they belong. I exit the dressing room.

The dress is taken by Alice who goes to the register to pay in spite of my protests. It’s not like I’m going to be wearing it and the Cullens have more money than God so it doesn’t matter all that much if Alice buys it. Jessica and Angela are waiting by the door. Jess’s arms are folded tight. There’s a scowl on her face.

“What’s up?” I ask with concern. Angela’s smiling bright. “She’s annoyed you wouldn’t show her.”

My shoulders drop. My hands find their way into the pockets of my jacket. “Oh. Sorry.”

Jess doesn’t give me the attention.

A returning Alice brings some much needed light to the conversation. “Do you guys wanna go for lunch?” I almost want to congratulate her for her acting. I’ll make sure to remember it next time we’re alone lest I freak out the other humans.


End file.
